Thursdaynext.21

It's been awhile, I know I know

2010-05-21T14:45:00.000-06:00

Something just happened and I need a place to put it. So here goes,
I just got a call for an interview at a local college, which is fabulous since I can't move anywhere for a job. Very exciting. I am careful about this because I know there are sooooo many of my colleagues interviewing for the same positions.

The other thing is what happened after--- I had to tell somebody, because I was so happy after waiting for so long to hear about my application. I called my husband, and my family. My sister and mother are actually at my little sister's graduation today, and i got to tell them together. But then I hung up, and the 'i need to tell someone' feeling wasn't done yet, so I left a message with my uncles. But then it hit me. I want to call my dad.

Getting over a loved one's death is always hard, and as time goes by it seems like it doesn't hurt as much. Good things fill in the emptiness. But there are still moments that take my breath away with shock, not because of the memory that I can't call him, but because somewhere unconsciously inside I thought for a split second it might be possible to call him. He's been dead for 17 years, you'd think by now my unconscious would have dealt with that.

I have to go back to being happy I got an interview now, because if I get the job, I GET TO MOVE OUT OF THIS YELLOW WALLPAPER NIGHTMARE! And that is the happiest thought of all.

Stressful Holidays

2009-12-15T09:19:00.000-06:00

Well, I flew home last wednesday, and am now staying at my mother house. Scratch that, I'm off to my sister's tonight. I never thought that I'd actually grow more sensitive to the cold, but I have. This -8 business is bullroar!

J can't come up for Christmas because of work, and I really miss him. But I took a 15 minute shower yesterday and don't regret one minute. I also made dinner, in an oven, yesterday! And then, we used a dishwasher! I've enjoyed my time here so far- Sunday I took my nephews to the buildabear workshop, and they loved it. M got a cat he named kitkat, and C got a horse he named neigh. But C is only 2, so by the time we got to the car, the name changed to bo-something. After going to three stores and the mall with my sister, I told her I loved her but I don't want 2 kids. I was just kidding, but we did push it with a full day of shopping. I forgot how your agenda disappears when kids are there. Not that its bad, but I wasn't equipped to think fast on my feet, so I need to go back eventually and finish xmas shopping. alone.

My books arrived last night. Because of the storms and high mail, the postal service has late night delivery here. I had used the misssing books as the excuse to not work, but today I am back on the horse. sigh. I can't help but be distracted because as soon as I got home, my grandma started dying. My uncles are there, and already planned the funeral, but she's still hanging on. She is the energizer bunny. She's my dad's mom, my smart, pro-education, pro-travel, pro-independence grandma. I didn't really believe my family when they started saying she was on the last of the last, because she's been there before. But she is 94, and she has decided to die. When she puts her mind to something, by god it gets done.

I've had opportunities to call and have the phone put to her ear, so I can say something to her, but I haven't. I think she's too lost in her dreams to know my voice. But with all the travel decisions, I have an opportunity to go out west to see her early, on thursday instead of waiting for news of a funeral. But J might actually get to come and depending on HOW he gets here, I need to be at my mom's for that. But I was thinking about it, and realized that I think I also just don't know how to be around a dying person. Or maybe its because I DO know how to be around them. I watched my Dad die, and ever since I have avoided dying people. Either see them early to say good bye, or wait till the end. So maybe I don't want to go early because of my 'phobia'.

Did you know that funeral homes can keep bodies for varying lengths of time before services, depending on the age and state of the body? Apparently, my grandma's estimate is 5 days. I find it very odd to know that. Then again, when I was 13 I went with my parents to pick out my father's casket. While the adults were making decisions in the office, I played tag with my sister in the casket room. That's very odd too.

My soon-to-be-ex brother in law wants to travel with us to a funeral. THAT's been a big issue between my sisters and mom and I. It will come down to my telling Kevin-the-cheating-bastard he would probably NOT want to ride in a car with me and my lil sister for 8 hours. The boys will be in the car, but I know it will be stressful, and the trip would eventually feature a confrontation between him and any number of my cousins and sister and I. Explanations need to be had!

And then there's J. I miss him very much. I thought that since we haven't really been together since September, one more month wouldn't be too hard. But it is! And now I feel bad because he wasn't supposed to travel the week of christmas. But it looks like a funeral will be early next week (the 5 day body rule allows my uncles to schedule it at a more convenient time) and if he comes up, it will be like traveling anyways. Our only problem, as always, is money. We may still be able to use frequent flier miles to get him here, but the closer to the holiday it is, we won't. And he's threatened to drive, but if he drives up, then it would make sense for me to ride back with him, since I only bought a one way ticket up here. On top of that, he didn't get a paycheck last week because of computer error. Supposedly he'll get paid double this week, but we can't make ANY plans until we have cash in the bank. I really want him to come, but again, it might not happen. Stupid computers.

Post-Thanksgiving

2009-11-28T16:33:00.000-06:00

This is the time of year that I want to run away and join the foreign service corps. They're more forgiving than the French foreign legion anyways, and don't mind that I'm a girl. But I will be positive

Ten Things I'm thankful for this year:

1. The health care reform bill passed. And J's surgeon agreed to a smaller monthly payment than I was afraid we'd have to do. Starting payments in December, we will officially have paid the sawbone off in 12 years and 2 months. Like I said before, reform is a good thing (even if it won't apply to us).

2. J is settling into his new position. It's exciting to have more cash flow in than out! Yes Virginia, we CAN have a little christmas! (and pay off debts).

3. We are fortunate to have local family who will let us stay at a house rent-free.

4. My advisor hasn't sent me a guilt trip email in 4 weeks now. I'm hiding from my email, and trying to work work work.

5. My nephews are getting through the storm of the divorce ok. But I wish that the 4 yr old didn't have to go to a counselor for anger management issues, and didn't think daddy 'gave him up' on Thanksgiving (he did though).

6. I have been very grateful for being on the recieving end of a lot of selfless giving this year. It may be a viable adage that it takes a village to raise a child, I also think it is entirely accurate to say that no man is an island, and despite the disconnected layers of current society (how far away we all are from one another, and how the internet intercedes)-- it takes a community to help us all live. When in need, its your friends who will help you, not corporations or insurance companies (but never borrow money from your family).

7. I will go see my family this holiday, and my mom and sister need me around for awhile. Plus, its pretty official that I will live in this town for the next 4 years, so I want to break away for awhile. I want some snow. And a bathtub.

8. J and I have been married for 1 year and 4 months (almost), and have experienced hardships and blessings along the way. We've really seen more hardships than good, but instead of getting cranky and losing the sparkle of what you married people call 'the honeymoon phase,' we are still silly in love together. Seriously.

9. Ambien. I know its a crutch, but it's very awesome. On Thursday night I dreamt that my to do list was a monster, trying to eat my face. I didn't take ambien then-- I had to get up early to shop for my sister. But I took it last night, by god!

10. coffee.

2009-11-15T16:05:00.001-06:00

post deleted because I was being a bitch about in laws issues. Must stop that. now.

Sunshine Day

2009-10-05T18:52:00.000-06:00

I must say, things are looking up, I think. It feels very nice to know that J will get a paycheck Friday. And I'm excited that our trip is coming up soon. AND I just recieved notes back on the Diss intro. I haven't read them, but I'm gonna later-- movin on, movin on.

I drove the delta88 this weekend a bit, and have decided that I won't do that again. Yesterday, SUNDAY, I ran to Walmart. I have a legitimate reason- I needed sunscreen and if its not onsale at Target, then I should get it cheaper.

I found myself driving up in this beat down car, in the rain (it leaks in the rain). The driver door doesn't shut entirely because it's banged up on the outside. The rear view mirror fell off a while ago, apparently. There's no interior light, and the back tire needs inflating every other time we drive.

So I thought it was funny rolling up to Walmart, inbetween an overstuffed minivan and a super truck. I went inside and realized too late that my shoes were rubbing blisters into my heels, so I started doing this odd shuffle hop to avoid the blisters, pushing my cart around. AND, I hadn't taken a shower yet, so I had sleep hair. Let me tell you, I was just waiting for the intercom voice to announce, "Here's yer Sign......"

16 days in counting.....

2009-09-29T09:18:00.000-06:00

Ok so I admitted that the part that makes me the crankiest, besides J's general absence, is that I'm stuck here. Part of being stuck here includes CAD and the MIL. They want to help me and I want them to go away. MIL keeps telling me that in order to keep CAD under control, and perhaps not cause another meltdown, I should accept her help at some point. Here's the sitch:

CAD finally realized that she's made a crapper of a life for herself, as she was turned down by a local community college for school. It seems that she has flunked out one two many times from there and they don't feel she's a safe bet (duh). J's recent promotion also pisses her off, mainly because she's the kind of person who bullies in order to make themselves feel better (and somehow suggest her son is better than J). Well, now she's the one stuck in a crummy house with a deadbeat son who's serving probation for marjijuana and contempt of court. Cousin has no ambition or drive beyond playing video games and manipulating the family for money. And he's 23 I think.

Anyway, apparently she's been freaking out that she realized that she has no skills, and appears to be unable to hold down a job. In front of J and MIL I said that one day she will be forced to use the government. I even said welfare, which made MIL flinch. But I'm sorry, CAD made her bed. I have my own crazy aunt on my maternal side who manipulated and squeezed my grandparents. In the 80s, she landed on welfare and that is the situation that inspired her to get an associate's degree and to really take care of my cousins. It may not seem like it, but welfare empowered my CAT (again, she's a maternal aunt I don't really talk about) because she had to feel the results of each choice she made, rather than running to my broke grandparents. I think this is what is needed with CAD.

I know that the prodigal son should be treated well, but it doesn't count if he's family. Also, in the parable, the prodigal son was SORRY, and admitted is failures. CAD will never do that, so she'll never get a free ride from me. Welfare is not a bad place-- it can work, and I don't appreciate that the stereotype is such. Its true that public assistance is the perfect storm- but I believe in the indomitable human spirit, and I've witnessed the goodness that family support (without money) can bring about wonderful changes-- CAD is lost.

I babble and I know that I'm not expressing myself clearly. One point, is that I am still a hopeful when it comes to government. I believe in a little bit of big government, because we all need some help these days. I also believe, based on my own experience, that often times the people who need the most help don't qualify for government aid. I know that at some point in my life, a situation will occur for a friend and I will go out of my way to help them, because someone did it for us. I believe in paying it forward, when you can.

I also believe that the health care system needs a drastic overhaul, and change should come NOW. I don't care if doctors wine that they spent x dollars on graduate school in the anticipation of y dollars in career salary. Well Dr. doctor, I spent x dollars on graduate school and I KNOW I will not get anywhere near your average hourly appointment wage. You are not entitled. Tax the rich. If I win the lottery, I'll pay the taxes because that's the price we pay to live here and not somewhere else.

Oh, the other point is that I really want to avoid any rides offered by CAD or food. erg.

J's gone

2009-09-28T20:06:00.000-06:00

It's a good thing! J left for training for 10 weeks. Well, actually it's 8 weeks training but we are going on a honeymoon in 17 days. So it's 17 days, honeymoon, then October 23-Dec. 6th. It's not that long, but I don't like it. I know this is good, and that it has to happen. I just have to admit that I kind of resent it because he leaves me here, in this house, alone. I have to be honest and say that I am annoyed that I have to live here alone. It wouldn't be so offputting if we lived in a better place.

Oh wait, I have to stop typing. My mother in law just got here for the nightly visit to the dog and cat.... at 9pm.

holiday meal

2009-09-20T16:26:00.000-06:00

A Double HA! today-- we decided that the 'family' thanksgiving meal will be potluck, and we're bringing the turkey (from C&J BBQ) so there's no insance 9 hour debacle like last christmas. CAD will be told she can bring her nutty rolls, but we're taking care of the dishes we really like :)

Yard work (despite how mean the tone of this is, I'm not that bitchy)

2009-09-20T16:23:00.000-06:00

I've been irritated by some overgrown bushes on our driveway for quite awhile. Besides being in the way when exiting a car, there are also huge spiders that spin webs when the sun goes down, attached between the bushes and the cars-- so needless to say I carry a flashlight at night, so I won't walk into cobwebs on the way to the house. So yesterday I decided to clean up.

When I told J what I was going to go do with my hedge clippers, he commented that we shouldn't do that because the pomegranate tree (the biggest overgrown crap) was CAD's. I said you can't stop me. She doesn't live here, and seriously, its a damn bush. He also mentioned that he would back me up (of course) if she were to notice and make a big stink about it. I said he had no choice because he married me, and we don't like her anyways (of course).

But as I was chopping away for 45 minutes, I found myself daydreaming the scenario that she drives by, sees it and stops. It's not unlikely she would think she could yell at me or perhaps shove. My only concerns are that A) I would find myself beating up a 40year old, and might have to work hard at it and B) I'd have to be quiet because if J heard the commotion, he'd come outside and step in-- a much more uneven battle.

Then I realized, SERIOUSLY, why am I daydreaming about the potential catfight that won't happen? The scary part is that it is possible. She's so many tacos short of a mexican platter, that all she has is a scoop of guacamole in the middle!

So, now I have a cleaner driveway. Next weekend, I'm going to start looking for 'her' things and change them. First item on the list (I kid you not) is moving the stupid gecko suncatcher stuck in a window. I'm done with avoiding and learning to deal with her. I'm on the offensive.

And I still don't see why I should answer her phone calls.

2009-09-13T16:15:00.000-06:00

Alright, I shouldn't be here typing when I should be working on my diss. But cie la vie!

Things have gotten better with the house. The cat appears to be much happier in the kitchen, and never tries to 'break out'. I believe this to be because the....sigh, embarrassing part... two couchs in the living room are full of fleas. We have arranged for pest control, and vet visits for both the crapper- I mean- cat, and the dog outside. I think there's weak insulation between the house and outside, as the fleas appear to come from the window next to the dog house. I'm very glad we discovered it, but also am irritated by it. But just think, if we hadn't moved in here, poor Bingo and Sasha would still be lonely, bitten, and scratchy.

We are still waiting on the official offer of job for J-- they called Friday to ask if he had ever filled out an application (someone got ahead of themselves somewhere!) so sadly the talent exec said she'd have to call again after she finished paperwork on credit/background check. sigh.

On the upswing, I'm having a very hard time concentrating on school because we splurged (probably at the wrong time) and bought a honeymoon package! But I'm tired of justifying it to the public-- by god we deserved a freaking vacation, and with J starting a new position, he won't have extra time off until January. I'll barely see him at christmas, let alone not-at-all for thirteen weeks of training. Thankfully, since we set it up before interviews, the company approves of the vacation.

Now, I just have to remember, when I start scratching my bugbites, the horrible lesson I learned of bedbugs in 2000. Remember the 156 bites on one leg, 63 on the other..... the horror! And the doctor only gave me calamine lotion- in a shot glass! Remember, rugburn was the only way to itch them all...

So many people took pictures of my legs back then-- if ONLY I had a copy of one of the pics!

2009-09-07T19:28:00.003-06:00

I am being held hostage by a cat.

It was part of the move-in package, but now it's just too much for me. Bingo has targeted the two areas in the living room that we sit in-- the Couch and my office chair. But then again there is the top of the piano, the rug by the door, the lamp by the other door, the doorway to the bedrooms, and who knows where else. She craps and pees most places, but regurgitates on my chair. We have put our foot down on the cat- she goes, or I refuse to live here. We've decided on a compromise. We've exiled Bingo to the kitchen during the night, and when we are gone. We will see how that goes. Otherwise, she's out. I wish it were easier to just send her to another family home, but it's impossible because the family believes that Grandma's will to live is wrapped up in her cat. CAD's house is too dirty and hoard-ed to be a good option for the cat. It's not humane to the cat.

BUT the good news is J got a promotion and hopefully we'll have some paychecks soon that will let us move into a REAL house, that's clean and big and nice and doesn't have fleas in the couch, or a pissy cat that hates me (for no forseeable reason) or a broken kitchen. yeay!

Trust me, there will be an amazing dinner party when that happens! (probably in January or February)

ADDED TUESDAY:

Last night she stayed in the kitchen, and didn't crap on anything! yeay!

Kitchen woes

2009-08-22T16:01:00.002-06:00

We thought that things were actually going quite well in our modified kitchen. We have a hot plate, a microwave, an electric griddle, and a george forman grill. Unfortunately, we've discovered that we can't run two appliances at the same time. So J's trying to boil hot dogs and microwave popcorn, and the power went out.

I guess we only get one outlet at a time!

In the Middle Pic

2009-08-20T09:31:00.001-06:00

Here's the living room today. Still being sorted out, and due for the second washing, but still better than before.

BEFORE Pics

2009-08-14T12:58:00.004-06:00

This photo was taken after some of the clutter had been removed by family members, but before we moved in.

The second photo is during my cleaning process-- really just to show you the dust, cat hair, dirt. I still can't take a clean photo for all the dust in the air.

moved

2009-08-13T09:07:00.003-06:00

It's been a very long and stressful summer, but in the past 30 days we have accomplished:
1. surgery for J
2. waiting on J hand and foot before surgery, and trying to keep him from doing to much while in recovery
3. packed up the house
4. moved into J's grandma's empty house--- empty of people, but not crap.
5. am cleaning said house to a livable condition
6. done absolutely nothing on my diss, risking the wrath of She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Forgotten
7. successfully juggled the bills (but I'm sad that this means more of the student loan will clean off debt-to-people vs. credit debt).

I'm hiding in my office today, thanks to grades being due, and intend to prolong this visit so I don't have to be there when J's friends move the fridges around between the two houses. I don't want to be asked to help. But J can't lift anything, so I should be there, but oh well. I just can't deal with more moving.

If I was awake and smart, I would have brought the camera cable to upload pictures to this computer, so I could share some of what I've accomplished. But I'm not. So here's a short list:

I cleaned the vacuum out 4 times yesterday from cat hair. It's a pet hair Bissell too.
My hands permanentely smell like Murphy's wood oil soap.
I can't stand CAD.
My belongings are now mostly in storage.
There's a beautiful upright piano at the house, that I polished last night. It's out of tune, and belongs to CAD supposedly, but she never took lessons. Dammit I will not ask permission to touch it!
Have you ever spent a Saturday vacuuming roach poop out of closets?
We have no stove at the house, so will live on microwave, crock pot, and toaster meals. Oh, and the kitchen sink doesn't work, so dishes have to be cleaned in the bathroom sink.
Speaking of bathrooms, one has a working toilet, and one was a shower. The Shower room has a toilet that's falling through the floor. CAD's son left a crap in that toilet a year ago. She refused to have him come over and clean it. Guess what I had to do.
I would use stronger words for CAD if I had the strength. I can't stand her.
It is a three bedroom house, however two rooms are packed 5 feet tall with junk cleaned out of one bedroom, the kitchen, and living area. The pest man says that he can't gaurantee his treatments because of all the crap. And tree limbs on the roof.
We cannot use one closet due to a weak floor (termite damage).
Cable is connected now, and we look forward to starting our journey into TrueBlood.
An example of the packrat, bi-polar shopping sprees CAD did with Grandma's money- 3 computer desks, 1 in the box, stored at the house.

I'll say more later, but I'm too tired. Atleast Jack is doing better, and should soon be off the pain meds. I think his scar is healing well, and we'll see the doc next wednesday. I want his permission for conjugal activities.

I should be very grateful that I have the best motivator for finishing schoolwork, staying at school, and going to the gym-- I don't want to go home for more than sleeping and well, eating cold foods. Oh, and no rent, don't forget the free rent (not really free because we have to start paying back J's mom for all the money we borrowed this summer).

2009-07-22T14:57:00.002-06:00

My attempt at 15 minutes of fame a night hasn't worked. Too much work. Oh well.

I'm exhausted this week-- from waiting and scheduling and stressing and packing. My dear uncle sent me some boxes, which have helped. I did spend the past three days cleaning out the office. I'm sad to say that I did, indeed, throwout the essays written for Dr. Z's Am. Lit seminar of 2002. But seriously, I'm a 'brit' person now, so no need for it right?

We are in limbo about J's surgery. A finance rep called monday and said we had to pay 4500 upfront for the surgery, no payment plan offered. Motha(*&)&$%^(*&$#$^&*!!! I lost it Monday, with all the stress. Seriously, what is the most stressful is my Diss and Chair. We will meet tomorrow and I need to be blunt, keep my cajones and ask her if she plans on punishing me via another unsatisfactory this summer, or if she will threaten to ditch me again-- This is the core of my stress and fear. If I knew she was not going to leave me, I'd be much happier I think-- or not. After all, who's really happy dissertating?

So I don't know if there will be surgery. The accounting rep has ducked our calls since Tuesday. J put our 'case' to her and she said she'd look into it. But will this happen? Will a nurse call tomorrow with pre-op instructions? Should I be making my house post-surgery ready (change the sheets at least)? I hate, hate, hate that we may have to make a health decision based on cost. But surely, we are not the only people who need a surgery and don't have 4500 bucks!

I need a valium. Actually, what I need more is 8 uninterrupted hours of writing!

blowin in the wind

2009-07-17T07:08:00.002-06:00

We've had some stressful moments in the past week. If my brain was a parfait, or trifle (hey, sometimes this is the best analogy), the first level of worry is my diss.

level one descending- Coolwhip
I wanted to have a complete chapter done by July 31st, and I was supposed to send roughly half to my Chair by July 6th. I think 9 pages doesn't count- it doesn't feel like a completed thought yet at least.

level two- red jello
J has been bedridden for the past 4 days, and it's too similar to when he got hurt 2.5 years ago. This is very depressing and I feel bad, because J can tell and has constantly apologized. I know he can't get up and get his own lunch or dinner, but I still kind of resent him for needing me to make up trays of food and help him to the bathroom. I also don't want him to see this emotion on my face but what can I say, I'm an open book.

The good/bad news is that we just went to the neurologist yesterday. J will have surgery next Friday. We finally have a solution! But, he will be out of work for almost a month. We can make August on my paycheck, but I have to call some credit card companies to negotiate paying late. He also can't lift anything weighing more than ten pounds, but can go back to hosting at work possibly by 10th, but I need to be sure the door to hold open at work doesn't weigh more than that. This is one time when seriously people, open your own damn door. Then again, at least it'll be a paycheck that pays for health insurance!

Yeah that's the other part. J's cap on his insurance is 3,000. We've spent 1,000 already on this back. I'm going to have to go negotiate a payment plan with the hospital before they'll do the surgery. Yeay.

Level three- different color jello
We will be moving at some point before the 15th. I have to pack our belongings into two units-- that stuff that goes into a storage unit (almost all) and that stuff that goes to the house we are moving into. Financially, this is good because we plan on leaving small town for Big town in December or January, and will not pay rent to J's Grandma (her house). Emotionally, I'm moving farther into the 'family' space and had to clarify boundaries on CAD popping over with her dog. So this level of worry is about having time to pack, and boxes.

Level four- this metaphor is too tired
No one has really lived in this house for over 2 years. It's in a bad condition, and worse- cluttered with junk that no one properly stored. Dust hangs in threads from everything. Mold is on old wallpaper and the ceilings. One toilet works in one bathroom, and the shower in another. A new water heater is needed for that too (no hot water yet). We can't use the kitchen. Basically we will camp. But the worry here is that I have to clean it.

My MIL and CAD have started going through the stuff, which is stressful enough. We have to say things a certain way so as not to flip out CAD. Personally I don't care. She needs some tough love, the leech. And once I move in, if I see junk being stored (think plastic pickle jars from the 80s) I will toss it. Along with the wallpaper. There are power issues and she would throw a tantrum about stuff. So literally, we will not mention the 1960s era wall paper, that practically is coming down on its own, that I will rip off. But I have to do the cleaning myself! Time is very precious, as I'm working on summer school and the diss!

On one hand, I'd rather clean myself, so I can do it 'right'. ha ha the words of a control addict? maybe. I think when it comes to a healthy clean environment, I get to demand that.

Level Next- I lost count
I have to figure out moving. As J can't do anything but pack and carry toilet paper, I have to figure out movers for our furniture. I'm going to start taking stuff to storage at the start of August, but inevitably I have furniture I can't lift myself. So I've figured that we need one day to move most everything to storage (with help), one day to move everything to the house (clothing, a refrig. swap and coffee table/tv stand) and to MIL house (she's getting our big TV and couches), and many days to pack up. This all has to happen aroung graduation, when my friends are busy and when moving companies are busy. So as you can see, scheduling needs to work out.

I also have to find manpower, a truck, and a way to pay them. This leads to the next problem

Screw the damn level
I don't have any money to pay movers or rent a truck. We have no credit, not even to get an emergency loan from school (cause i'm paying back one from last year). We've borrowed money from family, and if I can do the math right, and delay some bills (like just pay electricity late) then we have enough to make it. How is it that this 4 room duplex costs 320 for utilities, but the House, on level payment plan, will cost us 180? It has 9 rooms! Anyway, its nervewracking to count pennies, but I know that we can make it if I'm vigilant.

I just need time to plan this all out, and I KNOW I will make it happen. Surprisingly, I haven't freaked out (too bad) yet. I have decided to take more time for myself, and to be unbending on how much time I get each day to work on the diss. I will not sacrifice it for my summer 2 course, or for this cleaning and moving. That stuff will fall in place. I'm also going to try to write atleast 15 minutes a day, in an effort to unload my frsutrations before I deal with J. It's not fair. I will also notice one good thing a day.

today's good thing: on vicodin, J can do the dishes! Yeay for this week!

NEWSFLASH ON SCHOOL LOANS

2009-06-07T11:58:00.000-06:00

Reasonable and affordable monthly college loan payments for borrowers. On July 1, a new Income-Based Repayment program will go into effect that caps borrowers’ monthly loan payments at just 15 percent of their discretionary income (15 percent of what a borrower earns above 150 percent of the poverty level for their family size). Any current or future borrower whose loan payment exceeds 15 percent of their discretionary income is eligible. After 25 years in the program, borrowers’ debts will be completely forgiven.

Back from UK/IRE

2009-06-07T11:50:00.002-06:00

There's so much I could post about my research trip, but it'll have to wait. my jetlag is horrible, like never before! N and I have deduced that its because we weren't gone long enough. You see, I used to spend a month in Dublin, and this time around was only two weeks (1 Ireland, 1 UK). Of course, it could also be a bit of the age factor...... But really, I'm not 30 for a few more weeks-- should I really be going to bed at 10 and getting up at 530?

I am taking the weekend (or took) to clean up, rest, and stock the kitchen. I love J, but his definition of 'cleaning' is just not the same. I must gloat--- I went to the store today, and thanks to The Grocery Game, my 114.07 bill became 72.21!!!!!

Sundays and Family and Shopping

2009-05-17T19:45:00.003-06:00

Three things need to be dealt with right now. First, the fun:

I went grocery shopping today to prepare for my departure on Wednesday (research trip). I'm quite proud of the 'guy' food I got, hoping that it will keep J from fast food while I'm gone. Of course, his mom does live less than a mile away, so I'm sure he'll be at her table often.

At HEB, I spent 27.23 and got 15.23 free with coupons! Again, this is all based on the Grocery Game shopping lists. Some of the deals:

2.50 Ritz Crackers
free wheat thins
free philadelphia cream cheese
0.75 Hefty paper plates (reg 2/3.00)
0.95 Hefty plastic cups (reg 2/3.00)
2.50 Eckrich rope sausage (2/5.00)
free Eckrich premium weiners (with two rope sausages)
1.45 Hillshire farm sausages (reg 2.00)
4.25 Digiorno pizza (reg. 2/11.00)

Then I went to Target to get bathroom stuff. They have alot of new clearance items on the endcaps, and I got razors, shaving cream, body spray, body wash, and tweezers for 10.56, using 7.60 in coupons!

Then I went to Kroger, and stocked up on the pasta sauce sale-- organic sauces and salsas are on sale. I spent 20.19 and used 4.55 in coupons. BUT I had a 20.00 gift card for transferring a prescription last week, so I only spent 19 cents! We got:

0.99 lunchables (three of them)
2.97 J's man razor (reg. 8.79)
1.91 Newman's own pasta sauce x2
1.49 Emeril pasta sauce
1.27 organic Prego sauce
1.99 milk (that's just a normal price now, it seems)
1.44 land o lakes butter (reg. 1.99)
3.99 kroger olive oil

So the cool part is that I left the house planning to spend 33.00 for a week of groceries (we have alot of staples in stock now). I ended up spending 37, thanks to a 20.00 gift card. AWESOME!

Part Two--- Let me just say that my peas were a problem tonight. Yes, my peas. It was J's family birthday dinner, and CAD apparently is trying to be nice, via a dried out pork chop and wierd yellow squash casserole. I called to offer to bring something, and was told that CAD pitched a mini fit in the grocery store, because 'she's trying to avoid starches'. HA! So I said I'd play dumb and bring peas.

If fishing for compliments was a sport, this lady thinks she's a pro. Seriously, talk about needing validation! We've talked about how she has limited her emotional communication skills to food, and so she tries to share feelings through food, hence the cooking. But, she burns stuff. So the cassarole tasted more like a stuffing that happend to have yellow squishy rinds in it. And she insisted we take some home, to the point of driving over to give it to us, after I told her I don't like yellow squash and will not eat it. I ate some at the table to be polite (yes, I'm trying- atleast I didn't freak out with the 16-year-old-trapped-in-a-22-year-olds-body-thinks-hes-a-witch refused to hold my hand during grace. He then flipped out and said he just had a shiver down his whole body. Someone should seriously educate him on Wiccan philosophy. Praying over your food is not bad!

SO the avoiding-starch CAD takes two rolls, two hunks of butter, and at dessert asks for seconds on the homemade angel food and boiled frosting!!! Yeah, she's watching starchs--- march straight into her mouth. hypocrite.

And I seriously think she's helping lazy cousin sell drugs from her house. I recalled that wonderful moment in the first season of real world, when his cell phone rang at the table, and they exchanges some looks and words.

THEN, to the best part.

CAD is passive aggressive to the max. She doesn't ask questions the right way. So when she asks me if I've seen Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, I say no. She asks if I'd like to, so I say no. I do want to rent it eventually, but I'm not interested in wasting money. THEN she says she was thinking of planning a girls night for her, me, and MIL. J giggled, and I said oh. Then the conversation changed. I'd love to hang out with my MIL, I think. But I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut around her now, crazy lady who needs medication to control her violence.

I'm hoping that if I release my pissed off levels here, I can put off the eventual blow up. I don't see how I'm supposed to forget the thing she did (which I apoligize I won't post, but trust that it was inexcusable) and if the topic was ever broached, I will tell her she's crazy, needs therapy, and will never ever touch my children, EVER-- no holding a baby, no touching my stomach, no talking to them. When we move away, they will not be a part of our lives. I'll send her a christmas card, but when they start asking for cash (in the 5-10 year future, obviously) the answer is no.

Ok, I'm still pissed. This is the precise reason I blog the rage, and avoid eye contact for the hour long meal. Any more time than that, well, I just can't stop myself.

Shopping Trip #1: HEB

2009-05-04T09:25:00.004-06:00

This weekend, in total, I got about $46 in free groceries. The two big lessons I learned are:

1) At Kroger (not at HEB, as I found out) you can use 1 coupon per item.
So that yogurt coupon for $.40 off a purchase of 6 yogurts, is totally valuable!
6 yogurts at $.60 = 3.60
6 coupons= -2.40
Kroger doubles!= -2.40 This means that Kroger pays YOU $1.20 to buy 6 yogurts!

In reality, I only had 3 coupons, so instead of paying $3.60 for 6, I paid $1.20.

2) At Kroger, you can use paper coupons AND electronic coupons on the same item. It's just that the electronic coupons don't double or triple. So I bought Charmin (huge pack) for 16.99, and used a paper coupon (.25 x3) plus electronic coupon (.50) and ended up paying 15.74 or .24 a roll. I actually got $1 off of Bounce using .55 paper and .50 electronic coupons, too.

Here's the cool deals I got at HEB:

Total cost: $50.41 Coupons saved: $23.49

Colgate Toothpaste 2.98 (original)
- $1 off coupon
- free reusable shopping bag

Secret Clinical Deoderant 7.57 (original) (very odd combination for sale)
- $1.50 off coupon
- free frozen HEB meatballs ($2.99)

Two Marie Callendar's Pasta Frozen Meals 2.69 x 2 (original)
- Free 1 pint HEB ice cream ($1.49)
- Free Fresh Express Lettuce ($2.29)
- $1 off Lettuc Coupon

There were other deals, but these were the ones that I combined in store coupons with manufacturer coupons, based on the list from The Grocery Game.

I'll post Kroger's when I find my reciept.

Fascinated with Frugality

2009-05-03T14:05:00.002-06:00

I know I shouldn't spend my energy on this, and should focus on the Diss. But I find the subject of coupons and money saving fascinating. I'm going to occassionaly try to post my weekend shopping trips, to record how much I'm saving as I start following 'the grocerygame' .

And as embarrassing as I think it is, I'm using more coupons at Target.

Today starts the tally! (once I get back from the store)

Three strikes and your out

2009-04-30T11:02:00.003-06:00

I've complained more than enough about the new drama associated with joining another family, but really, my own is quite enough. Or actually, let me just say that the man who previously married my mother has written his own ticket out of my life. The 'ex-step-father' has now lied to me three times in my life and I will have no more. I don't think he's a respectable person, because I don't respect his choices in life. I know that this post doesn't make sense to most people, but the blog is self-flatulation anyways, and truly is meant to serve myself, so I guess I'm not really sorry about not filling in holes. Or for using too many double negatives.

1. He lied when he said he was leaving the priesthood because it was the right thing to do, and DID NOT have anything to do with my mother or my sisters and I. He said that because of his time spent with my family, he realized something he wanted, but that he expressly was not leaving for any of us.

2. He lied when he said that the divorce would not affect our relationship, and that he was capable of having a relationship with us girls without my mother around (no, he's a drama queen who has pained my mother for no logical reason for the 2 years since the divorce. Hypocrite-victim-mentality, illogical, passive-aggressive drunk.)

3. He lied to me two days ago. And he betrayed me and my sister directly.

It has never been so easy to write a person out of my life. Goodbye man who never should have married my mother in the first place. I tried to be nice, because my dad took pity on you and welcomed you into our home. But you are one crazy f*#!@$%er.

Frugal Lesson #2: Don't send your husband

2009-04-27T18:21:00.002-06:00

I love my husband. He's a great guy. He is not a great shopper. I have the flu, so the grocery trip was his responsibility this week. I made him promise to go with his mom for guidance. She didn't bring the leash I recommended.

You see, grocery stores are fun for J. I gave him a list, and for two days warned him to stay on the list. But he still brought home
corndogs
chips ahoy
expensive apples (he 'just got apples, what's the difference?')
chocolate milk
paper products we don't need
potato chips
expensive pop (and yes, I said pop. I'm sick. I get to relapse to midwestern slang right now)
and more.

sigh.

Perhaps I should just be happy that he DID get the vegetables and fruit on the list. And he did get me the nice soft kleenex......

But still "Just the Essentials" never, in my book, ever, includes corndogs.

2009-04-27T13:14:00.002-06:00

Seriously, along with flouride, the city of Hometown and College Town needs to add Zoloft to its water system. And maybe a truth serum. So much crazy shit-- literally--- for so many family members today just really points out the calm in my life.

As J said, after the two hour conferencing with my sisters, "Hey, the dishes may not be done, laundry pilin up, and all this (gesturing to the rental unit, and suggesting all our troubles with school, money, work, and such), and we may be broke, but at least we're happy."

Right on.

Sunday Funday: The Beginning of Cutting Corners

2009-04-19T18:13:00.000-06:00

This isn't really the beginning of cutting corners, but I'm really excited to make the homemade washing soap tonight. I found the recipe on another blog-- frugal upstate.

CAD strikes again

2009-04-06T09:37:00.002-06:00

I wish I was in colorado with my nephews and family on their Easter break.

2009-03-23T17:22:00.002-06:00

I just also gotta pause and note that today's is my parent's wedding anniversary. They would have been married almost 40 years. He died March 25, 1993. On a Thursday. I went to state history day the next day.

2009-03-23T13:50:00.002-06:00

I know that I am avoiding my work right now, but I have been working since 11am. , so I should deserve a break.

Spring Break:
I drove home with J last week to see my ailing grandma. On the positive, she is healthy enough to last awhile, as long as she doesn't get sick. On the negative, she's now in the alziehmers ward. This is the most depressing place on earth, for her. Looking at all the medicated heads bobbing in wheelchairs, I sense an odd happiness, because I know they are all probably lost in the memories of their youth and happy. But for my grandma, she doesn't have many people to talk to. Yes, she has dementia, but not full blown alzeihmers.

It's horrible to think that my grandma is slipping away.

There were many interesting stories that my crazy aunt T had filled her head with, and I had to set my grandma straight on a few things ( no, my mom didn't steal your diamonds, that was aunt T; No, my dad died before i got married- 16 years beforehand; etc). I had not the heart to remind her my grandpa died 2 years ago. Why remind her of sadness?

Anyways, I saw her for a few hours, then bawled my eyes out on the way east to see the family. My mom is doing better (she's a bit of the woman scorned these days) and so are my sister's family (they had a 'marraige maintenance weekend' in vegas. bullocks for them!) My nephews are as cute as can be. And I did share one unasked for opinion, even though I did point out that they have 8 candy bars in the fridge that that's horrible. Full sized ones!

-- backstory: my sister and I grew up with healthy snacks and one soda a day. Now she uses all kinds of candy as a reward. Food as a reward sends the wrong signal. It started out ok because my first nephew was underweight and they needed him to eat. Now he's just picky (normal kid) and eats alot of chocolate between meals. erg. I will not say anything!

Back home, my dissertation is frying. I actually have about 15 pages of an intro, and will have a second revision of that (expanded) for wednesday.
--------- pause-------------------- (i have to go to yoga, keeping with my new stress plan!)

Stress Reduction Plan

2009-03-08T09:08:00.002-06:00

Apparently I did a very normal thing. I went with J to his workplace, and shared with a friend of ours my stress and new stress plan. Apparently, when I JOKE and say I need "more wine more massage more yoga and more sex" it implies that my husband, his coworker, cannot satisfy me. I totally didn't mean that! I was just being funny, and implying that yes, sex is considered a stress reliever. I wasn't implying J's manhood was incapable!

Sigh. I think its kinda funny, actually.

Lucky #13

2009-03-03T18:39:00.002-06:00

It is just my luck that I got sick this weekend. And even worse, I got sick because I was so stressed. I need to find a way to chill out. I was upset that I gave my diss. chair a section of a chapter on friday, and it wasn't my best work. Well, then I ended up vomiting after a nightmare on saturday night. And I've slowly come to acknowledge that the heart palpitations, irritability, crying, and crankiness are real, and I need to do something about it. I was ignoring this idea of stress, because I was internalizing it (read: made myself sick). Well, I guess I shouldn't internalize. So I have two options.

Plan A: This is the fall-back plan. I go back on zoloft.

Plan B: More wine
Massages
More yoga
J does more housework so I can't use it as an excuse

We already began on Plan B.

#12

2009-02-10T12:07:00.002-06:00

Dilemma: research.

I have to go get my primary sources for the diss. And I need to hit both ireland and London (source #1 and #2). I can also get the 3rd source (if not on ILL) from the Ransom Center or Rice U. But Columbia also has some issues of #2. I'd like to go to just Ireland (cheaper) and then NY later for #2, but my gut is telling me I need to do both.

I'm just afraid I won't get enough funding. I know I can get an outside loan of 1,000 from the study abroad people on campus, as I have done that before. But I don't want loans.

Ultimately, I feel guilty, planning a trip out of country without J, and we haven't even had a honeymoon yet. We gotta work on that.

Monday's #11

2009-02-10T12:03:00.003-06:00

So yesterday (Monday) the horrible jackhammering drove me from the office. J picked me up and on the car seat was a card and red,red rose. It was very sweet-- we had a sushi lunch (J likes to call miso soup 'foot soup' so he sticks to rolls). We then went to Macy's, where he picked out a valentine's present for me (I'm trying to resist looking at our store credit balance).

We don't get the 'real' valentine's day, in the restuarant world. J will work allllllll day saturday. So yesterday he surprised me with our own day. Sadly, no work got done. But I have a pretty ring now.

#10

2009-02-06T20:13:00.002-06:00

Ok ok I have to admit it.... I actually researched the average time period that pregnant women experience morning sickness. I was JUST CHECKING to see where it would be a feasible point to plan a kid. I have heard so much advice, and it's all different, because its based on experience-- which is honestly the only qualified advice that exists. But this is what I was looking up-- that if 'something happens' (look at me, to sheepish to say conception) between Christmas and Valentines NEXT YEAR, I won't have morning sickness until I'm ready to defend (if I follow my schedule).

But then again, I kinda think I won't get bad sickness. When I was prepping myself for 5 months on an ocean going vessel, I got as drunk as possible, then woke up early and rode every ride at Worlds of Fun (KC's version of six flags). AND I didn't hurl. I was hung over, and realized that in no way, shape, or form was my idea a GOOD one, but it comforted me enough to make me think I wouldn't have horrible sea sickness..... and I didn't. Atleast, not until we went through the typhoons. But any human would feel horrible if you were rocking back and forth at 45degree angles 24/7. Although, the only reason I spewed then was the wine, not the barf feeling.

But, I know that a strong stomach doesn't mean anything, when it comes to INTERNAL reasons to barf. I just think that I can stop the urge to purge (but then again, if someone's inside me it'll be their call not mine).

Ah sigh, I can't think of any other euphimisms for puke. And I'm not ready to seriously plan a child. I don't think. I mean, I'm still on birth control.

#9: to tattle or not

2009-02-05T22:21:00.002-06:00

Today in class, a girl sat next to me with a laptop for notetaking. I always wondered what she was really doing, and figured she was screwing around. Well for about 30 minutes she took notes. I couldn't help but look occassionally at her screen so I could know if she was working. Then, she whipped out the facebook. And email. I am so annoyed. I wanted to tattle on her, but what do I do? My anger is, of course, born by the anger of an instructor who is pissed that she disrespects her instructor that way (in a lecture). But then, she pissed me off because its not fair. I can multi-task, and I would also like to have a computer during the less than interesting lecture moments.

So, do I tattle? Or do I stay quiet? J said be quiet, but I owe no allegiance to these undergrads--- and she kept missing what people were saying and asking me to repeat.

Unknown #8

2009-02-04T20:09:00.002-06:00

I'm horrible about correspondence. I haven't finished my wedding thank yous yet! But shhhh, don't tell my mom!

Unknown #7

2009-02-03T09:05:00.002-06:00

I'm a bit scared to death of my meeting with diss advisor today. I'm now constantly paranoid that they really WILL say, "no, you're not good enough for this. We won't give you 6th year funding. Go away."

Unknown #6 (Monday)

2009-02-03T09:05:00.001-06:00

I don't like chili.

Unknown #5

2009-01-30T17:04:00.000-06:00

J's regional boss came in today to check up on his progress for management training. She wants him done, which means she might already have a spot ready for him. I'm hoping this holds, because in this economy, you never know who's going down next.

Unknown #4 (for yesterday)

2009-01-30T17:02:00.000-06:00

The week is running away from me. I can't keep up with my new plan to post 1 thing a day. I think I've decided to take the weekends off. So there.

#4. I signed up for juicyjuice's website so I could get a free sippy cup for Didder, who I used to sit for. I have no children of my own, but I'm still recieving emails that suggest I do.

Unknown #3 (for yesterday)

2009-01-29T11:32:00.002-06:00

I've decided that this dissertation must be approached like swimming with fish is (for me): I am severely afraid of what I cannot see underwater. I say it's jelly fish that I'm afraid of, because you can't predict a brainless being's movements. But really, it's anything. The truest panic attack I ever had was the day I climbed my friend like a ladder trying to get out of the ocean (with no ground to go to).

The point is, I'm so afraid of swimming in places that other things live, that it drives me to actually creating tense moments. I stupidly choose to keep proving to myself that my anxiety will not get the best of me. That's how I ended up almost drowning Devon in Malaysia, and why I jumped into the middle of a swarm (is that the word?) of jellyfish off of Capri. That day, I was so keyed up that I didn't even feel the stings until about 5 minutes after the adrenaline stopped pounding in my ears. And no, peeing on it doesn't help.

So, writing this dissertation must be approached in the similar way. I will think of it as the second stage of anxiety.

The first is "I'm going to be the first one off the boat since i'm afraid to do it".

The second is "I jumped-- don't look down don't look down! Focus, ignore whatever just touched you- don't think ahead don't look down swim swim keep going forward, don't think about the past or the present, just stay on TOP of the wave of anxiety!"

The Third is, "why did I do that?! And the wave of anxiety CRASHES down, stops your breathing, makes you scream and look like a baby as your try to pull your body back onto a boat with no ladder and laughing italian boatmen who won't give you the ladder because, really its not that bad".

So, the second is where i will try to be-- in the moment where I pretend that there are no sharks near me, and the burning smell in my nose is ok, that smell of acrid ammonia before you pass out but it makes your senses sharper. I will do this anyways.

Unknown info about me #1 and #2

2009-01-27T22:32:00.003-06:00

#1 I feel foolish and excited and happy and disappointed and awake. I spent this weekend in an all-consuming Read, the kind when you read a book, and right before the bookstore closes, dash off to buy #2. It's the kind of Read when you absentmindedly find yourself sitting in all the rooms of your home looking for the best light on the page. It's surprising how comfortable the bathroom floor can be.

I read all the Twilight books this weekend. Straight through. The kitchen and laundry look like it too. Neglected.

I see some value in these stories, but was not that impressed-- it was even more fun knowing that I was reading not just non-research related material, frivolous storylines, but that I don't think they were particularly well-written. It's even more sinful (in such a good way) to waste a weekend reading not-that-great writing. Because I CAN DO THAT. I mean, I can write that. It made me happy, to give myself over to the Read, and to follow it through the three trips to the store to get the next book, and the lack of housework, and the husband who was ok with it (he was sick).

#2. I think I have a clock. I noticed how cute the kids are next to starbucks (at daycare) this morning. I usually see them, but it was different. I've always thought the kids I know-- my beautiful nephews and Didder and my friends' kids were very cute. But today, I thought stranger's kids were cute! Mentally, I want a kid. But I think, today, I physically wanted to have a child?

And the Door opens!

2008-12-08T08:59:00.003-06:00

There has been so much happen in the world of marraige-dom, that I don't know where to start. Perhaps the happiest place is to say that J FINALLY got tapped to go into management training. This is so amazing, for obvious and not obvious reasons.

1. Honeymoon. We couldn't afford one. And sadly, (if you don't tell our moms) the money we recieved as wedding gifts went not to a honeymoon fund, but to pay our bills on Sept 1. As you know, there's no paycheck for grad students in September. And J took 3 weeks off for wedding stuff, so the gifts allowed us to enjoy getting married, driving home slowly (we made the 15 hour trip last 4 days), and paid for rent. This economy is horrible as you know, and its worse for people waiting tables. J seriously would get $1.00 on a $30 ticket. Consistently. He's the best at the restaurant, so that's embarrassing-- he even said someone tried to justify it to him once, apoligizing when the man handed over the tab. Dude, if you can't afford to go out to eat, don't go. DON"T STIFF THE WAITER.

But the good news is that now we can save money for a honeymoon!

2. All the hardness of the last two years-- J's bad back, and the horrible failure that is the R------ Steakhouse downtown-- are done?

3. I'll stop making more money than J. I mean, with the student loans i took last year, I made twice as much as he did. Maybe now we can pay down credit debt.

4. J is happy. He got what he deserved. He's energized to do amazing things, like build french doors for the closets, and work out, and save money.

I'm still working on my proposal, as I recieved notes back from ONE of four people. cie la vie. It better be done and approved by next week.

2008-11-14T09:28:00.001-06:00

Motha-flippin....................

The wedding pictures finally came out, and the MiL just called to ask me to get a few pictures of her taken off the ordering website, because she looks bald and nobody wants to look at those pictures anyways!

Seriously! Its an ORDERING website! It's not a photo album, or slideshow!! And no offence, but she does have thin hair!!!!!!!

I'm trying to not be offended. But I'm really not going to ask a photographer to delete pictures from the ORDERING PROCESS. christ.

2008-11-09T19:33:00.002-06:00

This dish is amazing! J was impressed, and it didn't take too long. The longest part was finding Fennel at the grocery store.

Salmon and Fennel with Roasted-Lemon Vinaigrette

2 bulbs fennel, thinly sliced
2 lemons, cut in half crosswise
4 cloves garlic, unpeeled
3 tablespoons olive oil
Kosher salt and black pepper
4 6-ounce pieces skinless salmon fillet
1 teaspoon honey
1 teaspoon chopped fresh rosemary
12 ounces mixed greens (about 8 cups)

Heat oven to 400° F. In a large roasting pan, toss the fennel, lemons, garlic, 1 tablespoon of the oil, and 1/4 teaspoon each salt and pepper. Roast until the fennel begins to soften, about 8 minutes.

Season the salmon with 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon pepper and nestle in the fennel. Roast until the salmon is opaque throughout, 12 to 15 minutes.

Squeeze the garlic out of the skins into a small bowl and mash to a paste. Squeeze the lemon pulp and juice into the bowl. Stir in the honey, rosemary, the remaining 2 tablespoons of oil, and 1/4 teaspoon salt. Place the salmon and fennel on the greens. Drizzle with the dressing.

Yield: Makes 4 servings

CALORIES 372 ; FAT 17g (sat 2g); CHOLESTEROL 97mg; CARBOHYDRATE 17g; CALORIES FROM FAT 40%; SODIUM 696mg; PROTEIN 40g; FIBER 6g; SUGAR 4g

Real Simple, NOVEMBER 2008

2008-11-06T21:44:00.002-06:00

I am currently sitting in my home office, drinking a beer.

I'm drinking a beer, on a weeknight, on a work night, in my office. My husband just changed the lightbulbs to 100 watt fancy clear light bulbs. This room is brighter than my school office now, horribly brighter.

I'm sitting here, drinking a beer, in the brightest light, because I can't face going to bed yet. You see, I decided that I need to do more things that J likes. He picked me up from school, dinner already made, kitchen cleaned. So I offered to go see a movie (in fairness, I was trying to avoid the bowling option he put forth). Beyond that, I offered to go see a HORROR movie.

Hence the bright light, beer, office.

We saw Quarantine. Or rather, he saw it. I watched 1/2 the movie-- the left half, with my left eye. There will never be a redeeming quality to a horror flick. And this one, despite actually being a bit boring, capitalized only on some dried up tricks from Blair witch.

In the end, nobody wants to see an apartment building filled with rabid humans eating each other.

So beer, light, computer.

2008-11-06T11:39:00.001-06:00

Yeay! I mailed out my diss proposal to the committee yesterday afternoon!

And We have entered the 20th century in this country!! Yeay Obama! (I hope we can hit 21st c. soon).

I must motivate to get to school, but its just so hard....

2008-11-03T23:24:00.000-06:00

Go Vote.

I'm lucky

2008-10-24T08:34:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I started the day feeling down. We've decided we can't afford our honeymoon, so we need to change it. I got caught up in the chain reaction of "what if we can't afford to see my family at thanksgiving? We aren't going at Christmas because we were going on a honeymoon in January. But if we don't do a honey moon then, then I'll skip my family entirely for no good reason". It was really upsetting because I LIKE my family. I WANT to see them. And J's mom said that for as long as we live in the same town as her, we can spend every holiday up north and she won't mind. If she gets us every weekend, then xmas and the rest are totally cool. Plus, they don't celebrate like my family.

So first, no honeymoon. Ok I kid, we will have a trip and we really want to go in January. It's important to me that we go sooner than summer, because quite frankly I need a vacation and I want to go away and be romantic with my husband. The wear and tear of daily frustrations here (school and money) just break you down so much. I like escapism.

Anyways, we decided that Hawaii is too far too expensive. 2 plane tickets cost 2622.00. But a week (5 days) at Walt Disney World's Polynesian Resort is the same price. We will drive to florida, and we can get a package deal with room, a meal plan, park tickets, and some freebies for the same price as the plane tickets. AND we don't necessarily need to make a booking until the end of November. So we can wait to amass some more money.

Second, I was depressed about the holidays and not seeing my family. All of this was in my head when J picked me up at the gym last night, and I cried in the car on the way home. His reaction is to fix a problem of course, so we also had a chat about how I need to release my fears through talking and crying (which I don't do often, and that makes it worse for him apparently).

When we arrived home, and I was sniveling the last of my cry, I walked in to discover that J had spent his 3 hours after work cleaning the house, mopping the kitchen floor (in guy terms, with a swiffer), did 2 loads of laundry, lit two candles and turned on the radio to cheesy music.

I must tell you that this is not the first time this has happened. My husband really is a wonderful person. I had prepared myself in life--- like, before I met a boy-- that when I got married I would get stuck in a totally traditional gender binary. But that's not what I got! J cooks and does the dishes atleast 5 nights a week. And I was not the last person to vacuum the living room before yesterday, it was J. I may fold and process laundry, and scrub the bathroom sink, but J really shows me love in actions.

I started saying "Do you know how I know my husband loves me?" and filling in an action, like filling the ice cube trays in the fridge, or hanging up his towel in a 3 quarter fold on the bar, or making the bed, or turning off all the lights, a few weeks ago. I noticed that its a positive way for me to point out that A. I respond to actions more than flowers and B. he knows concretely all the little things that actually mean alot to me. And he'll learn some good habits :). I thought about this after a Friend told me about the 5 languages of love. I'm definitely someone who responds to actions more than gifts (J is a gift guy). So last night when we walked into the house to this amazing tableau, it was wonderful.

And J didn't even know I was stressed out yesterday.

CAD

2008-10-19T10:00:00.003-06:00

FYI, We have family dinner tonight.

I must be prepared to say the right thing, before she insults me.

UPDATE: Dinner went fine. No insults.

I'm done

2008-10-19T09:45:00.003-06:00

I would like to announce that I'm Done.

I'm Done feeling sorry for myself because we're broke. I'm done flaking on my friends-- instead of ditching yoga for Bingo (I did, really! we didn't win) I will just admit that I'm frustrated about cancelling my Golds membership soon, because we pay 54 a month for my two times a week at yoga. J has a sweet deal--- his membership is 19 a month, but he hasn't worked out in a year. So that means I spent 240 bucks on nothing last year. I will admit that I'm afraid that we can't have a honeymoon because we can't buy plane tickets. I will admit that I was a stupid, compulsive buyer who signed up for a freaking discount time share, and now I'm stuck paying the money on it.

I'm Done waffling about my dissertation. I need to clarify my terms in use, and get on with it. I need to bullshit a conclusion. I 'concluded' my argument, and summarized my main points. Can't I be done with it?

I thought after we got married, we'd have more money. How naive! I finally got through to J, and explained on paper why I freak out about money--- I showed him our budget, and how he fits into it. So he's been working hard ever since. He finally GOT what I was pissy about. I shoulda shown him the numbers a long time ago! And yes, he's growing up. I guess you could say I finally convinced him that I'm right about certain issues. I was really proud when we had a conversation about going out late in the middle of the week (I just can't see past that), and he identified WHY he used to do that (frustration with job) and that he can't do that anymore because he is a different man now. Now that we know the why, its easier to find a different outlet, one that doesn't require money, and doesn't piss me off or involve drinking so much.

And sometimes, I just have to admit I want my daddy. When he was dying, my dad made a video for us, and in my video he told me that my friends like to ask for advice, but I should be careful not to give advice about experience I didn't have. He also tried to warn me that I should wait for the right guy, and not date the bad ones. But he never gave any advice about being married. I don't think he could concieve of me getting married. I mean, I was only 13. But I wish I could get his opinion-- or at least watch his examples of interacting with my mom. I just wish he was here, so I could ask for his advice or not--- I just wish I had the choice.

2008-10-11T12:17:00.002-06:00

So I was going through some boxes to put away (I need room in the office to work), and I found a framed print of Goya's. This is a picture that one of my grandmother's friends had bought in Spain, and had shipped back to the states in the 30s/40s. I'm sure its just a poster that was framed, but it's kinda cool to know I have a poster from the 30s/40s, by Goya.

2008-10-10T14:04:00.001-06:00

Men..................

2008-09-26T14:45:00.001-06:00

Despite being sick, I met with Diss committee chair and gave her what I believe to be the second to last draft of my proposal before we send it to the rest of the committee. Here's hoping!

2008-09-22T22:22:00.002-06:00

Also, I forgot to mention that the article is happening! It'll be out this winter, and I'll have my first publication that doesn't involve creative writing! Although, I'm a pretty awesome poet I must say. I have my shiznit together in that area. I better, with two degrees in it!

Real Simple: New Uses for Old Things

2008-09-22T22:02:00.004-06:00

I thought I spilled water on my ankle, until I realized I wasn't drinking water. And when I shook my leg, this cold band around my ankle slid out, and stared while I screamed bloody murder.

He climbed back through the hole he came in through (I hope).
My husband searched for a way to plug the hole.
When he came back from the kitchen he said,
"See, who knew a Snowman could save your life?"

I need a new wine stopper.

CAD

2008-09-16T11:47:00.003-06:00

I've decided that I need to vent out a little, in order to let go of issues. Besides, CAD provides us with amusement. you see, Crazy Aunt D likes to tell me I'm fat.

It's never in a straight manner, and its always a few minutes until I say to myself, 'No she just didn't!'

It started when CAD, who is obese and from family reports has been obese since high school (40 something now), told me that I needed to lose weight before I have a baby. This was months before the wedding, and she was using the advice as a vehicle to share that she was a size 4 when she got pregnant with her now-21-yr-old son. needless to say, my MIL dropped what she was holding in the neighboring room and J had to help her keep from saying anything.

I let it go, because really, how do you handle a relative stranger who calls you fat?

Then, at the wedding, she came into my dressing room minutes before the ceremony to say, with tears in her eyes
"no matter what anyone says, you are beautiful and the dress fits you perfectly."

I said, I know I'm gorgeous, and now i need to put on my lipstick. yeay me. I didn't realize till later that she was saying i was fat.

There have been other snide remarks I never notice till its too late, but this weekend takes the cake. We took the family to lunch, and in the middle of it, CAD asks me my size. I ignore her and chat with J. But she stares expectantly and asks again. So I say, I wear 1x. Then I turn away and ignore her. She doesn't give up. She says, she's been losing weight (because she can see it in her shoulders?!?!) and she has all these clothes........

I said, I'm fine thank you, no I don't want more things in my house. I'm trying to simplify. (i was trying to be nice)

She pushes the issue, and says, what is a 1x, because you look.....

I interrupt and say 1x is 16-18 and I don't want any more clothes.

She pushes and pushes and says, well this is one of the shirts, its a 24....

I interrupt and say, that would never fit me, and then I get up and say its time to go.

I was trying to avoid saying I don't want her dowdy old too large clothes. SHE wanted to point out that she thought she was skinnier than me!

NOT MEDICALLY POSSIBLE!

We went back to the house for a birthday cake (for grandma) and CAD proceeds to say, with a huge forkful of cheesecake in her mouth, that her doctor told her to apply for medicare for her diabetes medicine.

I can't say anymore right now. Its starting to sound to outrageous!

2008-09-16T11:28:00.000-06:00

I just discovered my laptop screen is cracked.

I'm horrified.

I'm Back

2008-09-15T09:15:00.002-06:00

Hello!

So now I'm married, trying to adjust, and dealing with the new school year. I'm hoping I get my pictures back before the month has been 2 months away, but my friend took the pics for free, so I'm waiting patiently :).

I have so many stories to tell, and now I can also move on to talking about LIFE! not WEDDING! YEAY!

2008-07-24T10:25:00.002-06:00

Let me just say, I busted my ass getting an article ready for a journal last month. In fact, I tabled my proposal so I could GET it done, which landed me in salty water with the Chair. Although, she just thinks I'm lazy and doesn't know I was actually busy. Then again, she doesn't think that wedding planning can keep one busy.

Anyways, I heard back from the editor. Sadly, she mis-remembered the debate I had with the other author at a conference two years ago. She thought we researched the same source but in different countries. In fact, we were just a few miles away from each other in Dublin. That will impact the direction she was going for, most definitely.

So holy s---. I break my ass, and it may not be published. yeay me.

While I am annoyed, I'm not surprised or really offended, because it was too much of a good thing to actually happen to me, in this stage of my career.

On the wedding front-- and let me preface this by saying that mostly, I laughed when these things happened:

Rehearsal dinner double booked (you know that)
florist ordered wrong flowers, tried to raise price ( she said she'd fix it)
Cake lady fell through (now my sister is making all three cakes, not just grooms cake)
hotel sold out, J's friends have no place to stay (cause THEY didn't make resv. on time. guys.)
bridesmaid got the wrong top (right size, she can wear it, it's just not what she wanted)
Hairstylist quit (but she offered to come to the house to do my hair)
running out of money (as expected)
Host couple 1 is missing half, because my dad's friend has something better to do that day. (actually, he is a photographer and I think he's sore that I didn't ask him to do the pictures)
had to cancel my bridesmaid fun morning (we have to take stuff to reception location)

But like I told my mom and fiancee, as long as I know the bills get paid, I'm good. It's all just details anyways. Nobody remembers if the bride had a manicure, or if the flowers weren't exactly what the M o B wanted, or that the reception wasnt AS fancy as others. My mom worries that the rehearsal dinner is a cash bar (MoG won't buy alcohol on principle, which is fine), and we can only provide beer (miller lite) and wine (house chardonnay and merlot) and tea/coffee. Hmm, does that include soda? I better ask my mom. I certainly can't pay for it--- I know my cousins, they'll drink more soda than the cost of a keg!

We've learned--- or I've gotten J and my mom to believe in my list of priorities. If you can't pay for 1-5, then 6-10 gets deleted in order. Decide what's most important and maintain it, but forget the matching plastic bowls of nuts-- any old bowl will do. For example, we wanted an open bar. Then it turned into beer,wine and open for the bridal party. Now its just beer and wine for everyone. I figure, we're spending over 2 thou at a hotel, we shouldn't feel bad about not buying a bunch of shots or fancy mix drinks.

And to think...... once this is over, we still have a reception in September down South!

Whew!

2008-07-19T21:03:00.002-06:00

Alot has happened since my birthday: lots of frustration and worry. Sadly, I've been a witch to J. I'm up in homestate now, and getting things finalized for the wedding. Being away from school has made a huge difference. The oppressive worry of not working, or not being good enough, well, I decided to let go of--- atleast until August.

The wedding is turning out to be smaller than my mom expected, which makes me happy--- less people means less money. And money is what has been making me stressed out. Also, being near my family has been comforting. I wish my dad were here, but atleast I have the rest to help. Even my brother in law offered to help ALOT during the wedding, which means so much. I spent Mon-Fri at his house, helping him take care of the 2 boys while my sister was out of town. I really enjoyed it, though need sleep seriously, and don't know how they deal with two little boys!

Things are shaping up, and if the only bump was the rehearsal dinner place DUMPING us for a double booked night, then that's ok. The new spot has been really nice, and will be a better deal. The only trouble left is, do i truthfully ask my mom for more money for the wedding, or just continue to 'sneak' expenses in? I think I'll keep the DL on the $ for now. Odd, I can be honest and frank with J's mom about this. My ma is spending SOOO much money already! And trust me, we're doing this wedding the cheap way.

Gotta go, little M wants to watch alladin with me. nightowl.

Not everyone's idea of a birthday

2008-07-06T13:56:00.003-06:00

....but it really looks good now.

The girls that lived there before had an awful teal. The picture doesn't do justice to the horrible-ness and the bad brush strokes. The second is the new beautiful blue!

Just completing something yesterday (well, this morning really) feels wonderful. I also finished the article and just need to footnote it before sending it in. I'm feeling better and not SOO overwhelmed. Although, there is the matter of the apartment not being packed and we move tomorrow.................

Happy Fourth of July

2008-07-04T21:46:00.005-06:00

Happy Birthday to me. (tomorrow). I won't explain why, but I ended up crying in my closet this afternoon. Then I went and spent 178.00 on house paint and brushes.

Man, we used to do the fourth up right when I was young. Neighborhood parade, games, pool, pool games, fireworks, and birthday cake for me and my dad.

freak out, fun

2008-07-02T13:20:00.003-06:00

I am in overload. O-Ver-Load.

Proposal draft went through to revision, just need to make fixes, add missing info, spell out certain ideas i.e. footnotes.

Article for journal is late. I hate it.

wedding freaking me out. I wish I had more money.

Moving on Monday. FREAKING OUT.

Good point to focus on: my brother in law secured tickets (and possible backstage) for J and I the Tuesday before the wedding. It's jack's favorite band, and he's so excited. I overplanned the week, so I cancelled stuff (well, cancelled it in my head). The only 'move' that I'm still pondering is this:

Tuesday before:
Original: Drive 2 hours to home town, see my grandma, and go to cemetery for my dad. Drive home to ma's house, dinner with my ma, go dancing (for practice) at a Cougar/MILF coctail lounge near her house.

Revised: Go to cemetery after wedding, on way home to TX. Spend day doing whatever, then pre-party, Dave Mathews, stay at my sister's House. J prefers this because there's no 2 hour drive involved. Or wedding planning.

I know it doesn't seem that big of a deal. It's just that I used to envision my wedding would be like this: My ma would still live in hometown, so wedding would be at my childhood church. Groom and I would leave ceremony and drive to cemetery, then to reception (without people knowing). It's different now because she lives 2 hrs away, and I know the logic isn't the tightest on that. I know visiting the cemetery is an empty gesture, and only I get something out of it. But all I'm gonna do is bawl at his grave probably, so I probably shouldn't do it the day of the wedding. And I get that maybe that logic would suggest we don't visit his grave until after the wedding. I've never thought of my dad as connected unalterably with the cemetery-- so it's not that I need to be there to talk to him, there's just something ceremonious about it that I used to think I needed.

Ah, the wierd issues of a bride with a dead father. Well, my uncles will walk me down the aisle, and we aren't doing any of those 'dances' at the wedding. We're doing one, what I call a 'start dance'. It's the first song, J and I twirl about for 30 seconds, then he dances with his mom, I dance with mine (she laughed and said I shouldn't). We've got an idea of who goes first. But I want to ask my dad's friend to dance with me. He was always my partner for the Girl Scout HoeDown in grade school. Funny, that dance job is more important to me than a lector in the ceremony.

embarrassing question

2008-06-27T10:48:00.002-06:00

Help.

I have the oddest problem, and it needs to be solved asap.

Ok, I credit this problem with the fact that I've never spent such a long summer down here in the Sunny South. But in reality, we all know that winter only lasts from february to march, so I have been here long enough.

But, my deoderant no longer works. Seriously! Nobody told me that moving down here required changing my 'stuff'! I know that I am getting older (my birthday is next saturday) and perhaps my chemistry is changing, but I'm really perplexed.

So I ask, what do you use? Because the Degree and Dove that I have don't. I also have a 'special occassions' solution in Hex, from Merle Norman== but its no antiperspirant. I don't have time to shop right now, so I just need to give J a list of what to get, but what to get?

I don't want to leave the classroom smelling like onions again!

invites 2

2008-06-21T19:30:00.002-06:00

Oh, and I figure since I catalog all the negative about the wedding, I'd throw this in:

My ma got her invite and said it was beautiful, and she really liked it.

I didn't think that would matter to me, but it was nice to hear from her a positive, in light of the recent "You committed a faux paux because you didn't put my 21year old son's name on the external envelope" rage of, well, CA (crazy aunt). She didn't open the envelope to see the internal. Duh. I know i broke one little rule of etiquitte in not sending cousin his own invite, but it seemed like a waste anyways, so I followed the rest of the rules.

note: I'm not upset as much as amused at that. She just opened her mail while emotionally charged on other matters.

more mail

2008-06-21T19:29:00.001-06:00

Ok, so I didn't have time to get ALL the invites addressed before the first mailing. But I got 75percent done, so I mailed them. Is that bad? THat i'm mailing a dozen or so a week later?

Also, smart me forgot to put a stamp on one, so it was returned--- to my ma's house up north--- and it was for a person who lives a mile away from me right now! Duh!

2008-06-21T19:28:00.002-06:00

I solemnly swear that when I grow up, and become old and gray, I will not be the crazy aunt.

Freaking out

2008-06-17T22:32:00.004-06:00

I want to run away. I want to run away into the world of Aha's "Take On Me' because the SS are chasing all of us and i have no time and not enough caffiene and no time and seriously, I am not slacking, I just have no time and I feel guilty for stopping for even the hour I took for lunch and hour for dinner because i have an article and my proposal and grading and teaching notes for tomorrow and I failed my students because they all make the same mistakes and I know that's just because they all are lazy and don't actually write essays but still I failed if I can't give back the last essay before I pick up the new one!

But on the other hand, thanks to a friend and J, we mailed many invitations today. I never thought I would spend 3 hours putting stamps on a pile of envelopes.

2008-06-17T07:39:00.001-06:00

WATCH THIS!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCzbNkyXO50

Dream

2008-06-07T08:30:00.002-06:00

I'm also irritated that last night I dreamt of being in a wedding reception in New York City, and devoting the most infuriating evening to convincing Justin Timberlake to take Ambien. What the hell?

Good Morning Stress!

2008-06-07T07:52:00.003-06:00

Last night I really enjoyed myself, SATC movie and cocktails at a restuarant I hadn't been to yet, and still home before the 'dark hours' of the morning. J is away on an impromptu bachelor camping party. He woke me up at 730am this morning to say hello, and tell me about his night.

He then proceeded to talk about wedding stuff. He is camping with the Best Man. The BM asked that instead of a free hotel room for two nights, if we could just give him cash. Now, I understand-- really, I do--- the price of travel. And I understand that if the BM is able to get a free hotel room at the same hotel, then it's an alright plan to give him cash towards plane tickets instead. That's logical.

But I felt bad because I recently denied someone else that similar strategy for stretching a buck--- because--- this is the really really important reason--- we are collecting the hotel reward points to use for a honeymoon (because we can't afford one right now anyways). And if we don't pay for hotel rooms, then there are no points. And we would have to pay for housing not just for the wedding party NOW but ourselves later. In fact, most of our money is going to that hotel.

But as Carrie said last night, sometimes decisions are made with emotions, not logic. I kinda freaked out, and this is why...

I feel like I screwed up, and nobody wants to come to my wedding, and I expect too much of people, and nobody really likes me anyways.

This whole hotel thing is so frustrating, I'm even starting to cry again now! Northern Wedding Town is big, and the 3 closest hotels to the church and reception didn't give amazing prices, because they don't need the business that bad. So it's $99 a night, but it's a Hilton. I feel like everyone thinks I chose the wrong hotel-- And I know that it's VERY logical reasons for the BM to ask for cash instead, because their plane tickets cost them $890 dollars, and he does have a free stay available to him. And J arranged for another friend of his to take over the old reservation, pay us cash directly, so we can still get the Hilton Points, which makes the honeymoon still possible.

But beyond that, the groom's family isn't even staying at the hotel. They're staying at a La Quinta to save money, because they are paying for 12-14 nights at the 'fancy' hotel for other people, but don't want to splurge on themselves. So I chose the wrong thing.

And THEN, MOG is still a little miffed because our invitations say "WE, along with our parents" rather than name our mothers directly, because HELLO I'm almost 29 and I"M PAYING FOR MOST OF IT, and since my fiance has a different last name than MOG, her family and friends won't know who he is, when they get the invite in the mail (NOT MY PROBLEM) . She's made sure she figured out how to solve that problem- by writing everyone letters and explaining my invitation before it shows up. As if she has to apologize for my error.

AND I HAVE RECEIVED THREE ADDRESSES FROM HER TO DATE. I asked for addresses A YEAR AGO. I feel like she doesn't think our actual ceremony is as important as the little reception she's throwing for us here in September.

I feel like nobody cares about us enough to want to come. I know that we all have our own agendas, and own problems, and own schedules and such. I know that the price of travel makes everything very difficult. But the fact of the matter is that none of J's friends have actually gone through with throwing him a bachelor party-- even the guys he's thrown ones for. This weekend, it's just a camping trip organized by the BM, and so J told him that it will have to serve this purpose. But none of the groomsmen have the time right now to do it, I get it. But J does not feel special whatsoever.

I have fabulous friends who threw me a very special bridal shower. I felt special. And I resigned myself to understanding that a bachelorette party was never really possible, that's why I kinda started organizing my own version for the thursday before the wedding, because my little sister who is MOH, more because she's family than because she's helpful or loving to me, doesn't really care. She hates the dress, is irritated that I'm asking her to fly home from her new schedule of grad school, and probably won't even care enough to get a gift.

I don't need a gift from her but really--- she stopped celebrating my birthday almost 8 years ago. The problem with my birthday, is that my birthday is 3 days before my dead father's birthday. So nobody really thinks about me, just him being gone. The last time I had a real birthday, with all my family, was the year before he died. I turned 13. For the next 6 years, my older sister was always on vacation with her best friend. And I'm not cool enough for the youngest. And my mom just gets a little too drunk and sad on my birthday anyways--- because I remind her of him, and of what's gone. It actually really hurts that my sister doesn't care about my birthday, and that she forgets it. I WAS BORN ON JULY 5th! I ALWAYS CELEBRATED ON THE 4th HOW CAN YOU FORGET THAT!

Now I'm freaking depressed about my stupid birthday. I never should have gone there. This post was about the wedding, and about how I feel. I know that I'm just stressed, and that all my feelings are not logically true. But it doesn't mean I don't feel them, and feel like I screwed up.

we won

2008-05-29T19:52:00.002-06:00

Ta daa! I ventured back into the world of coed softball leagues tonight. We won! I played third base like I used to, and the best part (besides making a really good play for an out) was that the nervous butterflies almost went away in the last inning.

For some reason, I am kinda scared of softball. Ok, my sister hit me in the face with a bat when we were little. But that was a whiffle bat (it still hurt, and left little suction-cup circle marks on my face) and I was little. I still think that scarred me. So I was excited that I finally stopped being almost nervous.

Next week will be better.

5 x 5 (balance our your gripes)-

2008-05-24T09:07:00.003-06:00

When it hails, there's tornados.

Five things that piss me off right now:

1. I screwed up my financial aid paperwork, and now my loan will be 1/2 what I though, and a week late.

2. Due to the lower loan, I have to cut out some wedding expenses AND ask my mom for help. I don't do well asking her for help with money. Sometime, ask me about how she sold my car to cover credit cards expenses when I left the country. She says I was running away, I said I had it all planned out, with minimum payments covered and everything, until I got back.

3. J earns $66 a day. In asking a raise, he has been forced to leave the place-- on principle. He works for Bif and his gang, who think that insulting a manager will make him stay.

4. My car is screwed up. we spent 236 on 2 tires wednesday. I need 2 more next month. AND brakes. AND a battery.

5. My desktop got a nasty virus, which I spent $150 'fixing' by wiping the harddrive, and as such, all programs and many files are gone, including WORD!. I can't find disks for that. I guess I will no longer type on that computer. Atleast I have a laptop.

6. I need to spend $100 on an external hard drive, so I don't have this happen again.

Five Good Things (must balance karma):

1. We are not angry about J's situation, just dissappointed in the stupidity of said owner. Apparently, when J gives word today, 3 servers, the bar manager, and 2 cooks will put in 2 weeks notice. They can get the same job elsewhere, and don't want to deal with BIF yelling at them without J to intercede. BIF and his gang will finally learn what they need to do to make a good restuarant, alone. (I Hope).

2. Wedding is two months away. If I think about the fun, its exciting. Otherwise, I'm kinda scared. I kinda want to hop on a plane and runaway for a weekend. It's not because of the wedding, I just want to run away from my life for a week, or so. Go 'find' the piece of my soul I left in Africa, and bring her home. Ok, well, I'd leave her there, but I want to go visit.

3. Syllabus is done for summer.

4. I feel hopeful about diss. proprosal.

5. Fancy Women's Studies Journal I was supposed to write article for last year, asked for the article again! (complications with J and life made it impossible for me to finish it last year) So hopefully, I can get a fancy schmancy publication in the fall!!!!!

Airplanes, boundaries, wedding weary

2008-05-06T08:20:00.002-06:00

Well, after I look out the window, I must share my recent distress.

This government is after my happiness. Seriously! Trying to arrange travel for so many people to the wedding is disheartening. For some reason, plane tickets are $100 more than normal to my home city--- not just gas inflation, but up for some reason. And gas is climbing to $4 a gallon (though I doubt it will really go that high, but you never know), so driving north is harsh. I hate that we are asking so many people to travel to the wedding, because it costs so much.

And the last straw-- the Democratic Convention. My uncle the almost-general is involved in convention security. Depending on the type of battle to be waged on that stage, he may not be able to attend, and be a part of the wedding party. So seriously, Clinton step down! If you both go to the convention, I don't get my uncle!

Yes, I'm irrational and half-joking, but seriously! And yes, I voted for Obama, which Tom Hanks apparently did too, if you saw his dorky you-tube endorsement. I know Clinton believes this, and Obama believes that, yadda yadda. It all comes down to this-- the government is a slow moving glacier, and no one president and exert EXTREME change in 4 years. Hell, the next pres' first 4 will be spent dealing with the stupidity of Bush's last 4. But at the end of the day, I believe that Obama can bring small fundamental changes to this ailing democracy----- republic (and they are two diff things) and Clinton will not.

Obama is the closest thing to Jed Bartlett I've seen in a while. And you know, Deane wouldn't be that bad, except he's a sheeple and he won't change anything.

Things to Look UP For

2008-05-06T08:15:00.002-06:00

A friend recently blogged about good news in her life, things to look forward to, and it made me realize that we all need to stop and take stock.

I was talking to my ex-stepfather on his birthday, who was having a really awful day (and on his 50th birthday!) and I said something that I used to say all the time. Is it cloudy today?

Seriously, is it cloudy today? If you don't know what is up in the sky, it means you have been so focused on looking down, or straight ahead, that you haven't stopped to look at the blue sky. There's two real reasons for pausing to look up.

1. Looking at the sky reminds us to dream, to look for shapes in the clouds, to look outside our present situations.
2. If you have been looking down at work or straining at a computer screen, you need the opposite stretch for your neck, to look up and back, or you'll get stiff.

So is it cloudy today?

2008-04-30T11:21:00.001-06:00

I made the mistake of looking up those online student-rate-the-prof sites. I've never seen a negative one of me, just the standard, normal complaint that essays aren't handed back fast enough. I'm bummed and I know I shouldn't read those or pay attention to them.

bargainist.com

2008-04-30T08:16:00.000-06:00

Yes, I've added an widget on my page. This is my secret indulgence, and I love it. The website is called Bargainist.com and its a compilation of many offers, coupon codes, and freebies out there, every day except weekends. I've actually gotten great deals from this site.

Wanna leave the country?

2008-04-23T09:16:00.003-06:00

Every week, I get continental.com specials. I like to dream about one day just saying, hey lets go on vacation-- tomorrow, and winging off to some random city. This week, the round trip fare from Nearby Big City to Belize is $150.00. And my thought was, "I can go", not "we." Logically, J can't leave or take off until the wedding, so logic makes that thought easy. But I seriously want to go. Seriously. I have a sneaking suspicion that its A. travel bug (I can't go back to Ireland this summer, and I've certainly gotten used to it over the past few years) B. It's not like its a bad reason I can't go back (wedding) C. Deep down, I don't understand why I couldn't go back this summer. I mean, financially, its impossible. But I've never let that stand in my way (sigh, oh the loans are piling up).

But I want to go to Belize. I want to travel al a carte one more time. The funny thing is, it's not like my days of independent travel are over after marriage. I fully intend on continuing my traveling days, and wandering ways, alone and together with J. My parents both took one vacation apart from the other each summer, and it was very important to them-- I see it as natural. So I shouldn't be reacting to the idea that I'll never travel solo again.

But I want to go to Belize. Maybe it has to do with responsibility and ....... dissertation! Ah, running away, to the most affordable running-away-country! Where they drive golf carts, not cars!

That said, anybody seriously want to run away with me to Belize from Saturday until Monday? it's 150$ round trip and the hotel would be $120 each for whole weekend............ seriously.

Oh Yeah, Proposal

2008-04-14T09:49:00.001-06:00

I better be ready to discuss my proposal Tuesday at the lecture and dinner. I'm scared shit-less. I feel like I've taken a mental break from it, and finally wanted to get back in, but every time I want to get started with research and writing it, I have laundry, or dishes or well, most importantly NO CAR. we are sharing right now and it's driving me piss crazy.

April Showers Bring May Flowers

2008-04-14T09:12:00.002-06:00

I had such a wonderful time this weekend at the bridal shower. It was nice to be with friends, and know that when I tried to start being a bit analytical about the whole ritualized life passage performed by women in our society--- when I started sounding awkward--- my friends didn't mind. I didn't make sense, but I had tried to say something similar up at the Mom's-Friends-Shower up north, and came off as weird.....

What I was/am trying to say is that I never, ever played house like other little girls. We played 'high school' or 'high power fashion editor in New York' or 'Your Birth Mother finally found you and she's a famous model who's sorry' (it sounds a bit sad but it was exciting for my friend M, thanks for such an imagination!).

In this past year, I've come to grapple with a lot of attitudes and opinions that I find I had picked up from, well, bitter people or a desire to prove that there doesn't have to be a 'standard' lifestyle. Such as, the first time my mom cooed about the possibility of my having children I suggested maybe I wouldn't, that it was my choice and maybe I didn't want to. It was important to me to stand up for the other point of view, that I never got to consider maybe I actually wanted children. And then I dated and hung out with people who were bitter and called others 'breeders' and 'corruptors of our world,' people who scorned and were openly hostile (just enough to make it known) to people who, say, brought children to a restaurant or concert.

I never wanted to seem too girly, or too female, or too-- much. Because I wanted my family and society to know that it shouldn't be assumed that every woman would grow up, get married, make babies and stay home, or have jobs that reflect mommy hood.

Let's face it, I was a tomboy, daddy's little girl, the holder-together of the family. I couldn't be too 'feminine' or 'emotional' or 'soft' growing up, so of course I am weirded out by female rituals. But beyond all these OLD notions, and attitudes I've been stressing over this past year, there is one true fact: I want all these female rituals. I want kids, but I have a hard time getting used to that idea-- it's been almost 2 years of me saying, 'all right yes, i want them someday' and every time I say it, I check myself because its such a big deal to me to say.

Anyway, this weekend was a beautiful shower, and (now I'm starting to tear up, how 'female' of me ha ha!) it was so striking, to be surrounded by friends--- yes, the materialism of it does weird me out a bit-- people watching me open presents-- but what I tried to say at the shower I meant-- all these women gather together to help build my future home, yes; but more importantly, to help me transfer from one role to another, to 'change my sign (or is it signifier?)' a little bit, before it changes ultimately in August, perhaps to help ME acclimate to the change. It all seems so very real now. You were there, you witnessed it, it's really going to happen.

I'm really going to get married!

update: comfort films

2008-04-07T08:55:00.000-06:00

Seasons 1, 2, and what remains of 3 are all available to watch online, on netflix. Yeay!

Comfort films

2008-04-06T16:05:00.005-06:00

This weekend I spent my time in the bedroom, or bathroom, or bedroom again. And while dealing with an unwelcome intestinal illness-- apparently not associated to cough-- I indulged myself in secret past time that I've ritualized over the last 15 years. You see, every time I'm really sick-- really truly, puky, fevery, sick, I haul out my old vhs tapes of a favorite tv show.

This show was canceled in the middle of the third season, and has been critically panned as implausible and farce-ical (word?) once Spielberg and scheider maneuvered away from it in the second season. But I can't help my love for Sea Quest. Sea Quest DSV, SeaQuest 2032, whatever it's name, that's my indulgence.

It's true that the first season was refreshing, a new 'starship enterprise' underseas, an inner world voyage instead of an outer space adventure. Plausible (for an imagined future of 2021) story lines captivated audiences on Wednesday nights at 7 ( I still remember when it was on, in 1993). In fact, on Halloween, 1993, the crew became entangled with a ghost ship on the bottom of the ocean. I stayed home to watch this, avoid taking my little sister out to trick-or-treat, and avoid friends who wanted to play Ouija board.

Yes, Jonathan Brandis was on the show, yes he was hot in that 90's young-grunge look that we were all trying to perfect at 14 (well, it was easier to pull off a flannel shirt and 'jesus shoes' than a hypercolor tshirt, don't you agree?) Yes, I had a crush on him. Yes, I had an overactive imagination that led me on my own episodes at night, zipping through the worlds oceans, (Lucas) discovering young girls (me) in distress on abandoned science outposts in the mariana trench, or even, jumping into the second season, leading Lucas Wolenciak 10miles below the earth's crust begging a female crew member to "hold me, just until I get to sleep" (he drew the short straw, and with only 4 seats available for the one shot rise to the surface, he was supposed to die down there at 16, never been you know what).

When season three began, in 95, and the crew had just returned-- 10 years in the future-- from fighting a war on a distance water planet, transported by aliens and brought back to a new age of society, fans were upset. Plausibility was clearly gone. It was interesting when whats-his-name Luke Skywalker turned out to be an interstellar traveler (who took seaquest to that distant planet), but still, ratings declined and the show ended before the season was out. I was offended. When SciFi channel ran the episodes in syndication the next year, I tried to tape as many as possible (hence the vhs tapes).

You may be thinking, she's a Trekkie geek at heart, a weirdo, a truely strange one. If you'll indulge me in my posting, here's why I cling to this (albeit poorly edited) show. In 1993, my father died. He was sick for 3 months, and then was gone on March 25th. When SeaQuest started, I was in the midst of my withdrawal, and sorrow. The show gave me an outlet to imagine multiple, fanciful, futures, because I couldn't bear to imagine a realistic one without my family. I even wrote a few of the dreams down, but don't ask as I won't share them. Some early work must never see the light of day, no matter what editor thinks that a juvenalia collection may do to a writers reputation and prestige.

I think I return to this show, when I'm ill, when I'm weak, not because it was a fantastic critical achievement, misunderstood by all, but because in the years when I was the most fractured from my mother and sisters, these characters provided a bit of a familial spot for me. Every week, someone almost died, but never did.... except for the unlucky, unknown, crew members no. 5 & 6, say, eaten by evil plants, or killed in alien gunfire. I needed that resurrection each week, I suppose.

And so now I'm almost to the end of Season 2, when Roy Scheider signs off, and the alien troubles begin. Season 3 changes to a man-made war, with major characters dying, and the inevitable intrusion of reality when you remember the object of your teenage obsession killed himself after making a few made for tv movies with Melissa Joan Hart. You never know if Captain Ford and Lt. Henderson ever got it on, really, or what the cancelled episode would have been about, that day in 1995, that wasn't aired because of some current crisis (I can't remember what it was).

A fitting end to the escapist machinations of my teenage brain--- oblivion--- a story without resolution. And so I watch, and am comforted by my weakness of years past.

cranky pants

2008-04-02T12:01:00.002-06:00

Okay I went to the doctor, had chest xrays, etc. I told him that I had a cough since the last time I'd been there (January) but that my friends had had the same thing, and said their cough hung on for 4 weeks or so. So I ignored the cough until Spring Break. It seemed to get better.

And then, honestly, I got absolutely no sleep 2 nights in a row, thanks to a squabble and then my own inability to sleep when stressed. Then I got on a plane. And that sucked. The doctor said that if I hadn't ignored the cough, it would have been easier to fix. I have something similar to walking pneumonia (I sound and look like it but I don't have it) that has to do with my trachea and upper lungs (pneumonia is in the base), so I have drugs now, which should have an effect by monday. He did say it would take awhile, because my circulatory system was so irritated. And he didn't quite believe me when I said I'd never had asthma........ weird.

Anyways, I'll be better soon and won't have to give my students a walk just because I can't have a coherent thought in front of the classroom.

P.S. I did a segment on U2 and poetry in class. I'll have to post about the project/success/failure soon.

Sick

2008-04-01T08:23:00.002-06:00

So I got a cold in February, which I learned from friends that they had already had, and that it left you with a nagging cough for a few weeks. Well, It's now April, and I have this same cough and it won't leave. And I think I have allergies now. And I just wanted to whine a little, because I can.

Sunday Summit over

2008-03-24T08:50:00.003-06:00

Sunday we went to The Family house for dinner. And I should have said something, but I didn't because religion is a touchy subject, but there was no grace said. It was Easter, and we didn't pray over our special meal. They just tucked in and ate away, discussing life. So I said my own private prayer, and realized that my attitude toward religion is changing. I've always told my uncles that I believed that Religion is important to the young, the very old, the infirm-- those who need it. I just comment on the fact that in our current society, in the US, most religious people (and I'm really only speaking of catholics, from my experience) need religion. When we are happy, content, and hopeful, as a society, we let go of religion. That's not to say that spirituality is lost, I mean organized religion-- sunday school, parochial school, potluck dinners, seder dinners, walks of faith, retreats, sunday services, etc.

Anyways, it was odd to me that we didn't pray because its so important to J's mom we have a minister from her faith at our wedding. We actually talked about it over dinner. Apparently I have to find out how the honorarium is given to the minister. I'm catholic, and for the past 8 years of my life (before I moved down south) I only interacted with Jesuits, who are not allowed any real possessions. So when my friends/family got married, you honored the priest with a little envelope of cash--- no donation to an altar guild, or flowers for the church, etc. It was easy.

I'm not used to dealing with ministers who actually make money, and have families. oy.

We also discussed the invitations, and got that kinda settled. Apparently, there's an entire wing of the family J doesn't know, and we didn't count them in for invites...... have to do a recount now. Gee, if I'd gotten a list of names from her LAST YEAR then I would know!

But overall, I'm happy with what we decided with all the various invites.
finally.

Dream-mare

2008-03-16T09:05:00.002-06:00

I woke up this morning after a wierd dream combination of "Who's the Boss,""King Ralph," and paper accordion wedding bell decorations. I can definitely tell that I'm getting more sleep, since the dreaming is on again, but perhaps I should try to limit the tv I watch before bed?

Anyway, since my last post, J has gotten an amazing promotion to manager. His current struggles include convincing a restaurateur that he doesn't know how to run a restuarant, and should follow the edicts J puts forth. He's nice about it, and only tells him little things at a time, but still.......

It's a really good steakhouse downtown, the spawn of two really good burger joints in town. It is owned by a meat-and-potatoes guy. THERE ARE NO VEGETABLES. And grilled tomatoes, while they are good, are fruit. You can get really good potatoes done 9,000 ways, but there's no broccoli or beans or such. There are salads, but the owner just hasn't comprehended the value of green yet.

Once I've deemed it good enough, then I'll tell my friends to eat there. UNLESS you go for lunch. Lunch is a standard fare-- better than Chicken Oil though.

2008-03-04T10:46:00.001-06:00

Go Vote.

Because I was reading Rhetorical Situation

2008-03-01T23:56:00.002-06:00

I just think its funny to point out that I, at one point, lived in a place that was renamed Obamaha, for just a short time. And I have vacationed in the Obahamas.

And my lovely uncles in Big Town South of Here voted for a woman recently, and went to an impromptu speech by her Husband. Then they wrote a poignant email that ended with something like--- They shook hands with Husband, the hands that touched Monica. And now Uncle 2 hasn't washed his hands yet.

And someone, one of their friends, who got the email, thought it would be funny to forward it to their friend who is head honcho of the Woman's campaign, to share it with her.....

Minus the monica thing.

I think it's funny. Six Degrees of Separation is a wild wild game in Email-world!

wedding wedding wedding

2008-02-27T10:01:00.003-06:00

Thanks to the genius of wedding websites--- which I apparently signed up for when I registered for a honeymoon giveaway, which no one ever wins and only gets me in with wedding junk mail... I've been reminded that the wedding is 5 months, 1 week, and 2 days away. And that I have 6 overdue tasks. I get two of these emails, from two different sites, weekly. It annoys me! At the same time, I kind of like that someone's counting down (so I don't have to).

I'm in the time period where I actually have to make my decisions now. sigh. Once you make a choice, then there's no room left to daydream. I don't buy wedding magazines anymore because I have a dress, and 95% of them are full of pictures of dresses. Actually, I never bought that many of them to begin with, cause I felt gyped that there weren't as many articles as I wanted. I don't care about stupid dresses--- you end up buying from the store you go to anyways, without regards to whatever 8,000 pictures you bring with you. I need advice on color schemes, cheap flowers, honeymoon ideas for poor grad students, etc. Grrr.

Anyways, I have to order the invitations. And I'm really annoyed about it. I have no 'list' from the MoG. She's having a party for us here, in Sept, which is wonderful and I greatly appreciate. But she has decided that she doesn't want to send wedding invitations to the people down here that she 'knows' won't be going to the wedding, and just give them reception cards for the sept. party. That means that the only people invited to the wedding, from J's side, is the bridal party. I finally got him to realize that his mom has decided to NOT invite anyone to his wedding, based on whether or not they are coming.

Here's the best logic: She doesn't want to send a ceremony invite (which will be out of state) to people she knows won't go. She does want to invite them to a reception in Sept. So I said that the invite isn't just an invite, but an announcement. So the right thing to do is send the invite, and then send an additional reception card, later, separately, that reads "no gifts please". She doesn't want to send the ceremony invite because she doesn't want to seem like we are asking for gifts from people we know won't go anyways. Following this logic, she has decided to send only a reception notice to 'her list' and say nothing of no gifts, because she wants us to have gifts. .... Isn't there a hypocrisy here?

If we send a notice, my way, we are saying that these people are invited to the wedding, regardless of where it is. If they choose to honor us with a gift, great, but there should be a line on the second reception card reading 'no gifts' because if someone wants to get a gift, they'll do whatever they want anyways. I don't care about the gifts. I don't like that we are now having 'my wedding' and 'his wedding', or atleast I'm starting to feel that way---- this second reception thing--- which I'm sure is not as big a deal as I think it is--- feels a bit of a repeat. She wants me to wear my dress again (no.).

Here's what I think is the underlying reason for the above issues: the invitations thing is based on the fact that I need names and addresses 6 months ago, and she doesn't have/hasn't made the time to compile a guest list. And the dress thing-- she wants to wear her dress, so if I wear mine, she can wear hers. I'm fine with these reasons, if they were just out in the open!

J is going to talk with his mom about the list, and I will not wear the dress-- she won't argue when I politely decline. J's mom is a great lady, and I really appreciate her. I just know that this is her only son, only wedding, and I don't want her to go off the deep end on making 'her reception'.

And I really, really, want my friends there so that I don't feel too far down the rabbit hole with strangers. I know J might have the same feelings about the ceremony, but at least he knows 50% of the guests already(friends in common and my family)!

Last note: I'm a dork. I bought a monogram embosser. It cost 28 $ and I'm going to use it to emboss our initials onto napkins, so I can just buy bulk colored napkins. And I can use it for programs, envelopes, etc. But mostly, I bought it for the napkins. How silly.

Marriage Therapy

2008-02-11T10:14:00.000-06:00

It may have been a freudian slip, but for the past few weeks I had been calling Pre-Cana Engaged Encounter, 'therapy'. I meant counselling. It did feel a bit like detox--- all day in one room with like-minded people, all trying to hide similar details from the people in charge. I did actually learn something from it.

Lesson learned: try saying 'will you forgive me' instead of 'i'm sorry all the time' because most of the time its not about whether or not I feel bad for doing something wrong, it's whether or not you'll forgive me.

I also felt better about our abstinence. We've pretty much been chaste since we got engaged in December of 06. While it has been trying, and well, sometimes made easier by physical ailments and injuries, I'm proud of us now.

The night before, I had intimated to a friend, exactly how many times we had been physical in the last year. His response was worry on our behalf. I felt bad trying to explain it was partly timing, partly injuries, and mostly J liking the idea of waiting. It felt awkward to go from a group of people worrying about why we weren't having sex to a group that was worried we might be having sex. I was muddled before trying to explain it, because I didn't understand J's reasoning behind liking abstinence. He himself didn't really understand the reasons why, but after this 'therapy' we can talk about the reasons clearly, and I feel happier about that.

We also learned the Biggest Lesson of All (BLA for short). Our BLA, which involves 'the reason' we argue, is not that J hasn't grown up or whatever excuse I thought I had worked out. It's this: He doesn't involve me in decisions-- specific decisions, like making plans to go out after work, or inviting people over after work. He now knows that he has to ask me first, and we decide together, and vice versa, I realized that what bothers me is that he's not involving me in the decision. Usually, he'll come home from those nights afterward and say something like 'you were right' anyways. Last night was one case in point, and while I was really irritated about it all, I had to swallow it because I know he's being punished today--- 2 hours of sleep before work at 10am. I don't like to say I told you so, but he does it for me so I don't have to. It was last night that we discussed the BLA.

Back to Pre-Cana: We had been prepared by friends about the hostility we might find. Actually, there was only one mean lecture, and it was at the very end.... you know, don't sleep together, don't live together, and don't look at porn. If I thought it was feasible, sure I'd ask Jack to move out until the wedding. But it's not feasible, and I don't see that it would help our relationship. And while I am proud that we have abstained since engagement, I'm still saddened. You see, after hearing the reasons WHY J feels this way, there will be no giving it up before the wedding. sigh.

Oh, we also learned about Natural Family Planning. And we've discussed looking into that route. But more on that later. It's obviously a very big issue to think about.

I grew a pair

2008-02-08T10:22:00.000-06:00

So I reclaimed my assertive side yesterday, and emailed my Chair, told her I don't want to meet tomorrow (today) because I honestly have nothing important to say about my diss., and that I need some more time to think and read.

I must have wires crossed because I honestly was expecting her response to be chastising me. Obviously, it didn't. Very refreshing.

On that note, I have issues with anxiety, and used to take zoloft and then buspirone for it. I made the executive decision to stop taking medicine last spring. I know, I know, but I actually got through prelims-- I just embraced my inner anal-retentive self, allowing myself to fully exercise all my coping mechanisms. Anyway, I worked for 2 years to get over this fear of authority figures--- my catholic guilt issues perhaps--- of wanting to avoid at all possible any interactions with teachers (outside the classroom). It's like getting stage fright, only I'm anxious about a conversation in the hallway. Conversely, I love being onstage. I've gone so far as to accept that it's easier for me to fail utterfly in front of a faceless crowd, than to be held personally accountable for words. Literally, words. I've learned that I can't rationalize it, or explain it (believe me, I and a few doctors tried), I can just get over it.

Two years ago, it was a huge deal for me to go to a semester kick off cocktail party, because I had to chitchat with profs. I may have hid behind my fiancee a bit, but I went. And that's what I have to do, to get around it. When I notice that I've fallen back into the habit of walking in certain doors, down certain hallways, avoiding common areas, I have to force myself to risk a chance encounter.

So I'm very proud that I was honest in my email, instead of pretending to be sick, like I had been planning to pretend since Tuesday.

Cookies

2008-02-06T09:58:00.002-06:00

One more post....

I have a rule that if your phone rings in class, you have to bring cookies to the next session. It's always worked well, and nobody has ever purposely turned their phone on for cookies. Out of 3 semesters with that rule, this is only the 2nd time it happened.

My student yesterday, who's phone rang last Thursday in class, came to class with fancy Mall cookies. But he was sick, so he came to drop off the cookies and a sick note and leave.

I have to say, it was a good move on his part. He'd skipped a class already, and the fancy cookies really got to me. It's so sad, a chocolate chip can sway me.

Hyde Post

2008-02-06T09:45:00.000-06:00

We discovered two nights ago that the only professional sporting event in my home state will happen the same week as the wedding. So I have to hurry up and get some details done-- which is also tearing me away from research (not to mention the start of the evil head cold going around).

I am excited to have solved a dilemma. We had decided to have an open bar (to what $ amount, I'm not sure yet). And then I realized that the hotel is 8 minutes from Church. Church is 12 minutes from reception. Reception is 20 minutes from hotel. Open Bar + 20 min drive = maybe I should provide transportation.

The problem is, to rent a shuttle for that long (all day) would cost $800-950, and the low ball estimate from the yellow bus company was $750! I was not happy. Then it occurred to me to call my old university. I remembered from undergrad, that a friend had rented a university van to pick up family at the airport, and drive around over graduation weekend.

Believe it or not, they actually do rent shuttles-- to alumni. And it's for 1/3 the cost!!!! Now I have a shuttle for the guests, and bridal party, AND it'll have my beloved mascot on the side! Much better than Ollie the Trolley, I think.

That's the good news for the day.

Laser Hair Removal

2008-02-03T20:41:00.000-06:00

Laser Hair Removal

Let me explain.

I mentioned that I attended a bridal shower up north with J and my Ma. As you know, each booth has their own cheesy prize contest--- usually with prizes that are little more than coupons off bridal services you don't want. Well, guess what I won up north. It just HAD to be from the booth that I openly mocked with my mother as we signed up. She couldn't understand why there was a plastic surgery booth at a bridal fair. I explained that despite her generational understanding, there were young little mindless-es who thought they had to alter their body for that ONE DAY. I also did explain-- seriously-- that many people had good reasons for certain procedures, who generally never did anything about it until 'now'. And there are older brides-- perhaps someone needs a lifestyle life first? ;)

So I ended up winning a $1500.00 prize at American Laser Centers, which has 500 locations or so. Of all the prizes I could win--- cakes, photography packages, HONEYMOONS, I end up with...... a bikini line.

Yesterday, a friend and I traveled to local Metropolis for the consult, and after a somewhat pressured, but honest, upsale, the clinic manager finagled my 'package' to include absolutely free laser hair removal on my bikini line, AND about 300 in free products. I actually ACTUALLY won something that had no catch! ( I checked the contract carefully). So here I am, doing something absolutely vain, and painful too. I had my first treatment, and it feels exactly like a burning matchhead-slash-needle is poked into your thighs. OH and can you imagine they offer Brazilian services? OW. I know it will be worthwhile eventually-- especially because I'm working out and maybe one day it might be POSSIBLE to see my bikini line in a suit (the rolls get in the way right now).

So does this mean I've joined the population that has had plastic surgery? Did I agree to this just because it's free, before thinking about it? I mean, I'm just following society right? We should be hairless?

Oh, and also, Future Mother in Law will be having a local reception for us after the wedding.....and I can't help but feel weird about control issues. I really want to control some of the decorations or invitations, but I can't control anything--- and really it's all little things.

Here's the problem: she's the paper-accordion-wedding-bell person, and I'm the one-candle-on-the-table-simple person. Oy.

I'm Back

2008-01-11T10:04:00.000-06:00

So much happened over break--- dealt with newly divorced (and a bit lost) mother, a mean bigwheel that resisted assemblage, a BRIDAL FAIR with J and my Ma, and wonderful snow.

Dealing with the misguided path my diss. proposal took-- must reshape entirely. I'm scared to have the conversation where I say stuff like, "I don't like where I've ended up" "I'm not a modernist" "this diss has been heavily influenced by other people rather than what I want" etc. But I'm good--- I got to meet up with a friend from Desirable University a couple times, discuss the travel program I am somewhat affiliated with (as an assistant) and remember just exactly why I want to be a professor--- where I want to teach, how, etc. I still feel like crap, and stupid, about the oral exam before Christmas, but I'm closer to putting it behind me.

A good friend told me it's like a state athletic event--- once you pass the semifinals, no one cares what the score was in the previous round--- you just got to the next one, and you're there, so deal with it. I love that analogy.

gotta cut it short, phone ringing............

Oral exams

2007-12-17T20:23:00.001-06:00

I Passed.

what next

2007-12-15T11:13:00.000-06:00

So I've been having some health complications, that I chalked up to stress before exams, but it's apparently more.

Monday, I have an 11am ultrasound for gallstones, and my oral exam at 230pm. This sucks. And I was going to drive home for the holidays on Tuesday. I have to plan 'just in case' I have to have surgery. Great. fantastic. super. ergh.

And J found out that he has 2 blown discs, and a slipped disc in his back. The chiropracter is pretty much in charge of treatment now, and he has to do disc decompression. If that doesn't work, a neurosurgeon will stick huge needles in his back. And if that doesn't work, they will have to remove part of his spinal stuff!

Reminder: ALWAYS SIGN UP FOR HEALTH INSURANCE!

I couldn't help but cry at J's appointment. I'm fine with my own crap, but my first thought was that it's selfish of me to ask our families to dish out so much money for a wedding. And the responsibile thing to do would be to postpone the wedding, or have a very small, private wedding-combined-honeymoon. I didn't want to say anything until we were out of the office, because I desperately was fighting the logical half of me--- knowing that it usually wins--- and I realized that it is really, really important to me to have this wedding, to have my friends there, my family there, a priest and a church and a party, etc.

Blame it on Saussuer. I'm changing my signifier, and I need my collective public to agree to my new assignation. Plus, my dad died so early, that many people became a part of my life, and I want them there. And I want a church wedding. And a cake, and be back home. I didn't know how important it was to me, until I considered giving it up and doing a Sandals weddingmoon thing.

Of course, J disagreed, and said not to worry, that this was a little thing and we can have it all. Actually, he said, "Being adopted three times, and being returned twice is hard. Having your fifth birthday show up without your mother or your birthday cake is hard. Living alone when your 5 is hard. This is not hard. This will not end up in surgery."

I know he's right. And the thing is that this pain won't keep him from work much longer. He'll be able to do work stuff. He just needs these therapy sessions to help him in the long run.

Yesterday was just crappy. We're both broken. But at least I met my insurance deductible already.

2007-12-15T11:12:00.000-06:00

Did you know that the word pumpernickel is believed to stem from Middle German and mean, roughly, "goblin that breaks wind"?

Oral exams next week

2007-12-13T07:43:00.000-06:00

Finally heard back from the chair, and I know most people would say 'of course you passed' but as always, I doubted a little. Must now get my travel plans in order, in hopes that I can get home this year, in between ice storms, I hope.

The morning of the exam, last thursday, I couldn't help but stop in the computer lab and watch the online press conference at 930. (exam at 10). They were announcing victims names from the shooting and I had to know. I've always heard that the exams are very emotional--- you spend so much time, effort, energy, worry on this one 4 hour test, that people usually cry afterwards. Well, I couldn't help but cry before hand. And I'm quite proud of the fact that I actually provided satisfactory discussions despite being distracted. I am a bit worried on my answer concerning my interpretatation of Inderpal Grewal and Karen Caplan's article “Global Identities: Theorizing Transnational Studies of Sexuality”. GLQ 7:4 (2001): 663-679.

Must go study now.

Good note: we found a 'bigwheels' for my nephew's christmas present. You'd be surprised how many cheesy children's show-inspired trikes there are out there and yet, we only found 2 big wheels. I'm tempted to cut a hole in the tire and throw a rock in, so it'll sound just like the one my sisters and I had so long ago!

I also called my sis yesterday, and my nephew was on her shoulder (close to the phone) crying. She was trying to coax him with a bit of chocolate (he's been sick) and had no luck, so I talked to him, asked him what he was eating, and how nice that was, yadda yadda yadda. He started to get the siren whining cry started again, and I asked him if I could come over and play next week, he whined a 'yes' but didn't stop. Then I asked "Can J come play next week" and he immediately stopped crying and chirped "yes, O-K!"

My goodness, J hung out with him for less than a week this past summer--- and that's the reaction he gets! He hasn't seen J since August--- remember this kid isn't even 2 yet!

He did then tell me that he loved me and missed me and can't wait to see me and bring J with me. smart kid.