No, I don't want to go to Canada for my honeymoon.
Because we want somewhere warm.
We want to wear swimsuits.
All the time.
No you can't do that in Canada
Go deep sea fishing.
We don't want that kind of fishing
Go snorkeling.
NO you can't do that in Alberta.
Go Scuba diving.
No I don't want to do that in Canada!
Go Parasailing.
No, I don't want to do that in Canada!
No, I don't want to go on a cruise!!! A cruise is like school to me!!
Now imagine a "but....." between each response.
I thought I had good "thank you but no thankyou" sounds to my voice. It should have worked at the first response, not the 300th!
Sunday, March 25, 2007
March 25th
So today's the day my dad died, 14 years ago. I've hit that point where I have now been alive longer without him than with, and that feels very weird.
Backstory: My dad started acting sick at the holidays of '92. He went to the hospital after my Mom asked my sisters and I to convince him to go in (he already knew what was wrong, in a way) at the start of January. On January 5th, he was diagnosed with cancer of the stomach lining, which is still incurable. As in, nobody who's had it STILL has lived beyond a few months. He was sick, doing chemo for 2 and a half months, then he died. We didn't get alot of time to adjust. But we were still luckier than other people who's family members die suddenly-- we got time for a bit of talking.
My dad made these video tapes for my sister, mom, me, and his and my mom's families. This was before the Michael Keaton movie My Life. They have always been really important to us. I have about 30 minutes of my dad talking to just me, on video tape. But something happened during the filming, and there's no sound for all but 10 minutes. Each year, when I watch it, I hope that maybe magically the sound will come back. Not this year.
I wish I could have given J the father he always wanted through marriage. He was always looking forward to the idea that he'd marry into a family, and there would automatically be a dad there. Well, I have a stepdad. Who's an ex-priest. Who gave my father last rites, and officiated his funeral. He buried my father. And then, 3 years later, he married my mom. It sounds twisted, it isn't. I probably should stop resenting him, but do you know how hard that is?
Not exactly a story you talk about down here, in Bush-ultra-conservative-religion-land.
Backstory: My dad started acting sick at the holidays of '92. He went to the hospital after my Mom asked my sisters and I to convince him to go in (he already knew what was wrong, in a way) at the start of January. On January 5th, he was diagnosed with cancer of the stomach lining, which is still incurable. As in, nobody who's had it STILL has lived beyond a few months. He was sick, doing chemo for 2 and a half months, then he died. We didn't get alot of time to adjust. But we were still luckier than other people who's family members die suddenly-- we got time for a bit of talking.
My dad made these video tapes for my sister, mom, me, and his and my mom's families. This was before the Michael Keaton movie My Life. They have always been really important to us. I have about 30 minutes of my dad talking to just me, on video tape. But something happened during the filming, and there's no sound for all but 10 minutes. Each year, when I watch it, I hope that maybe magically the sound will come back. Not this year.
I wish I could have given J the father he always wanted through marriage. He was always looking forward to the idea that he'd marry into a family, and there would automatically be a dad there. Well, I have a stepdad. Who's an ex-priest. Who gave my father last rites, and officiated his funeral. He buried my father. And then, 3 years later, he married my mom. It sounds twisted, it isn't. I probably should stop resenting him, but do you know how hard that is?
Not exactly a story you talk about down here, in Bush-ultra-conservative-religion-land.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
waiting waiting waiting
Yesterday I realized that I've slowly stopped doing things that I used to. Which is ok, because I'm talking about staying up all night, drinking, spending money on drinking, and wasting my time talking to strangers who I really don't give a crap about, but they happen to be sitting at my table.
Well, last night I decided that instead of being the 'responsible one'-- which is a title that just should never describe me, I would join in and have a few cocktails. So of course now I'm irritated because even though I got to play stupid trivia games and stay up all night (530), I still am a rational being, woke up at 930, and took a shower. My fiancee was nice, got up and made me coffee and breakfast while the friend we brought home for safe keeping stayed passed out on the couch. I was convinced to lie around on the bed and watch tv for a few hours, when J fell asleep again. I watched FREAKY FRIDAY, a wierd moment of enjoying Nickelodeon (at least I think it was Nick). But it's 230 now. They are asleep. I can't work because there are snoring people in my mental space! ARGHHHHH!!!
Why can't we have that one night of 'reclaiming our youth' but then blend it in with the rational present! I'm not wierd for working on saturday. I'm not. So why do I keep telling myself that I am-- since i'm the only one awake to think so?
I'm just all itchy crawly in my own skin. And I'm bummed that I stayed awake till 530.
Even running the kitchen disposal won't wake them up! I'm going to leave, I think.
Well, last night I decided that instead of being the 'responsible one'-- which is a title that just should never describe me, I would join in and have a few cocktails. So of course now I'm irritated because even though I got to play stupid trivia games and stay up all night (530), I still am a rational being, woke up at 930, and took a shower. My fiancee was nice, got up and made me coffee and breakfast while the friend we brought home for safe keeping stayed passed out on the couch. I was convinced to lie around on the bed and watch tv for a few hours, when J fell asleep again. I watched FREAKY FRIDAY, a wierd moment of enjoying Nickelodeon (at least I think it was Nick). But it's 230 now. They are asleep. I can't work because there are snoring people in my mental space! ARGHHHHH!!!
Why can't we have that one night of 'reclaiming our youth' but then blend it in with the rational present! I'm not wierd for working on saturday. I'm not. So why do I keep telling myself that I am-- since i'm the only one awake to think so?
I'm just all itchy crawly in my own skin. And I'm bummed that I stayed awake till 530.
Even running the kitchen disposal won't wake them up! I'm going to leave, I think.
waiting waiting waiting
Yesterday I realized that I've slowly stopped doing things that I used to. Which is ok, because I'm talking about staying up all night, drinking, spending money on drinking, and wasting my time talking to strangers who I really don't give a crap about, but they happen to be sitting at my table.
Well, last night I decided that instead of being the 'responsible one'-- which is a title that just should never describe me, I would join in and have a few cocktails. So of course now I'm irritated because even though I got to play stupid trivia games and stay up all night (530), I still am a rational being, woke up at 930, and took a shower. My fiancee was nice, got up and made me coffee and breakfast while the friend we brought home for safe keeping stayed passed out on the couch. I was convinced to lie around on the bed and watch tv for a few hours, when J fell asleep again. I watched FREAKY FRIDAY, a wierd moment of enjoying Nickelodeon (at least I think it was Nick). But it's 230 now. They are asleep. I can't work because there are snoring people in my mental space! ARGHHHHH!!!
Why can't we have that one night of 'reclaiming our youth' but then blend it in with the rational present! I'm not wierd for working on saturday. I'm not. So why do I keep telling myself that I am-- since i'm the only one awake to think so?
I'm just all itchy crawly in my own skin. And I'm bummed that I stayed awake till 530.
Even running the kitchen disposal won't wake them up! I'm going to leave, I think.
Well, last night I decided that instead of being the 'responsible one'-- which is a title that just should never describe me, I would join in and have a few cocktails. So of course now I'm irritated because even though I got to play stupid trivia games and stay up all night (530), I still am a rational being, woke up at 930, and took a shower. My fiancee was nice, got up and made me coffee and breakfast while the friend we brought home for safe keeping stayed passed out on the couch. I was convinced to lie around on the bed and watch tv for a few hours, when J fell asleep again. I watched FREAKY FRIDAY, a wierd moment of enjoying Nickelodeon (at least I think it was Nick). But it's 230 now. They are asleep. I can't work because there are snoring people in my mental space! ARGHHHHH!!!
Why can't we have that one night of 'reclaiming our youth' but then blend it in with the rational present! I'm not wierd for working on saturday. I'm not. So why do I keep telling myself that I am-- since i'm the only one awake to think so?
I'm just all itchy crawly in my own skin. And I'm bummed that I stayed awake till 530.
Even running the kitchen disposal won't wake them up! I'm going to leave, I think.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Saturday, February 17, 2007
So, how do you negotiate the whole "i want to go see a movie. I know you can't come, I'm going with my friends" move? And what happened the days when I could just randomly call a friend, ask them to meet me at the theatre in an hour, and have it actually happen?
This is wierd, incorporating someone else's schedule into my own.
Bottom line: If he's sick in bed, is it rude of me to go see a movie on my own?
This is wierd, incorporating someone else's schedule into my own.
Bottom line: If he's sick in bed, is it rude of me to go see a movie on my own?
Friday, February 16, 2007
first post
So, I used to use Livejournal, which I liked because I can filter, do private posts, and pretty much control what other people see. But I thought I might try a new community, one which is separate from all the memories and experiences I recorded on LJ.
I want to share that there's this guy sick in my bed right now. But what's the vocabulary to use? If I say 'this guy,' there are different connotations than 'my friend' 'my boyfriend' or 'brother' or 'fiancee' or 'husband'. Of course the all mean something different in terms of defining HIM, but each term also defines ME in your own mind. If I say 'this guy' you might think its an indication that I have slept with some man who doesn't mean that much to me (because he has no title), and if I said 'boyfriend' then you already correctly assume I'm in a committed relationship. But if I say 'fiancee,' my own definition mutates even further, and for some reason who I am takes on a more safe tone.
And I frustrated that there's this clearly delineated stratosphere of my community, not because I feel excluded from either group. I don't like that I somehow should belong to one more than the other--- the singles versus the marrieds. And even then, there are circles within those circles, that even the people who do feel resentment towards the separation of community are reluctant to admit to.... the singles have their own layers. But none of that matters, and the issue that is what really causes me to pause is the fact that the people who may protest at these 'circles' are usually the ones who are angry to be excluded, like they think that it's something they did to be excluded. But if you are trying to get your non-department partner to meet people in your department, it's easier to invite couples. When you want to go out as a couple, it's easier to ask another couple because either the single that would have been invited might take offense (because society tells them they have to be termed the third wheel) or they might feel pressured to find a date.
But what the whole thing is about, is that fact that people who used to be friends for certain reasons, have grown apart or moved on. And instead of flatly acknowledging that "no, I don't want to hang out with X because I am no longer bitter at the world or living in a small town" we ignore each other, walk down different hallways, invite different people.
But at the base of it all is that fact that none of this really means anything. I don't really care about stratified society, because I like it that way. I have always had very different friends--- even friends who hate each other and therefore can never hang out together (forcing me to choose)--- because it allows me to maintain a multiplicitous (not sure if that's a word) personality, and gratify all my urges. I have my friends who will talk about marriage and babies, or modernism and 20th century british literature, or cooking and drinking. Everybody in each of those groups can talk about everything, but I seek them out for certain reasons sometimes-- and most of my friends fit in all categories.
But anyway, labels. names. referential categories of attachment. pronouns.
Can't live with em, can't live without em.
(What I'm really thinking about, the whole time I type this, is what will my name be after I get married.)
I want to share that there's this guy sick in my bed right now. But what's the vocabulary to use? If I say 'this guy,' there are different connotations than 'my friend' 'my boyfriend' or 'brother' or 'fiancee' or 'husband'. Of course the all mean something different in terms of defining HIM, but each term also defines ME in your own mind. If I say 'this guy' you might think its an indication that I have slept with some man who doesn't mean that much to me (because he has no title), and if I said 'boyfriend' then you already correctly assume I'm in a committed relationship. But if I say 'fiancee,' my own definition mutates even further, and for some reason who I am takes on a more safe tone.
And I frustrated that there's this clearly delineated stratosphere of my community, not because I feel excluded from either group. I don't like that I somehow should belong to one more than the other--- the singles versus the marrieds. And even then, there are circles within those circles, that even the people who do feel resentment towards the separation of community are reluctant to admit to.... the singles have their own layers. But none of that matters, and the issue that is what really causes me to pause is the fact that the people who may protest at these 'circles' are usually the ones who are angry to be excluded, like they think that it's something they did to be excluded. But if you are trying to get your non-department partner to meet people in your department, it's easier to invite couples. When you want to go out as a couple, it's easier to ask another couple because either the single that would have been invited might take offense (because society tells them they have to be termed the third wheel) or they might feel pressured to find a date.
But what the whole thing is about, is that fact that people who used to be friends for certain reasons, have grown apart or moved on. And instead of flatly acknowledging that "no, I don't want to hang out with X because I am no longer bitter at the world or living in a small town" we ignore each other, walk down different hallways, invite different people.
But at the base of it all is that fact that none of this really means anything. I don't really care about stratified society, because I like it that way. I have always had very different friends--- even friends who hate each other and therefore can never hang out together (forcing me to choose)--- because it allows me to maintain a multiplicitous (not sure if that's a word) personality, and gratify all my urges. I have my friends who will talk about marriage and babies, or modernism and 20th century british literature, or cooking and drinking. Everybody in each of those groups can talk about everything, but I seek them out for certain reasons sometimes-- and most of my friends fit in all categories.
But anyway, labels. names. referential categories of attachment. pronouns.
Can't live with em, can't live without em.
(What I'm really thinking about, the whole time I type this, is what will my name be after I get married.)
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