Today's the day my ma had to sell her house, buy a new one, finalize divorce, and move. AND my sister found out that her second child will be a
BOY!
I tried to be nice to my ma. I bought her 2 sets of clothes-- so she'd have something new to wear when she's starting new. there are things about my father's death that she never dealt with, and has said have begun to hit her now. I see that, and I just wish I could be there to help.
But someone sent her a bouquet of flowers today.... from my dad..... who's dead...... I'm sure it was meant to be a nice sentiment, and it was. But the things like that drive my ma crazy. It had to come from someone who knew she has talked about thinking about my dad lately. But without signing a name, I'm actually waiting to get angry if it's a really wrong person--- like my ex-step-father who thinks that he can have a friendship with my ma.
What do we do with exs? Is there a parallel between my 'friendship' with my ex and my ma and ex-step? If I choose a clean break with ex-step, I should do the same to any exs. I get that. But is the same true if I don't break off with ex-step? I'm not angry for ex-step. I feel sorry for him. And annoyed, like he wasted our time for 11 years. My ma could have actually dealt with her grief and being alone, and MAYBE found someone else to be truly happy with. But, and I think ex-step agrees, no one will be happy with ex-step. He wills it that way. I feel sorry for all he's missing out on, the family he doesn't get to be a part of anymore.
I don't know if he quite realizes yet that while he will be invited to birthday parties, he's not a part of Christmas eve or dinner or present opening with the fam. The collective relationship ceases, and it's our turn to create individual relationships. Let's see what the future brings.
Oh yeah, who sent the flowers!!!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
For Better Or Worse, Worse first
So J hurt his back earlier this week, and has been bed-ridden ever since. It's been a trying time because he has no health insurance right now, due to inbetween jobs. So he's been stuck in the bedroom since Monday. When I say stuck, I mean stuck. He can't make the 10 steps to the toilet. We've improvised on that point. I wash his hair in a sandpail, with wonderful bathjunkie stuff that thankfully, doesn't irritate skin since we can't really wash it out or off all the way. I try to amuse him. I put food on trays within reach.
The thought that crossed my mind in all of this isn't what you'd think--- I mean, yes I'm a bit frustrated because my work has totally suffered because of this, and I'm in a place where that just doesn't fly. But I'm also able to adapt and redistribute my anal retentive plan for the semester. But I've said nothing to him about it. Yes, I do want someone to know that I've sacrificed, but not him. This connects to the wierd thought I had that I hope I can articulate.....
In the past, when something happened where J might need my help, I kind of had the reaction that--- we aren't married yet, I don't have to help him. I do anyways, but that's not the point. The point is that I never had that thought this week. There's some sort of sublevel switch in my brain to the married mode, kinda--- the kinda commitment switch. Or maybe it's just a symptom of flipping that switch-- because I've been committed for so long already. But it made me smile.
Yeah, that still doesn't encapsulate what I was thinking, darn it.
All I can say right now is, He is definitely buying us a brand new vase full of flowers when he's better. We need the vase more than the flowers!
The thought that crossed my mind in all of this isn't what you'd think--- I mean, yes I'm a bit frustrated because my work has totally suffered because of this, and I'm in a place where that just doesn't fly. But I'm also able to adapt and redistribute my anal retentive plan for the semester. But I've said nothing to him about it. Yes, I do want someone to know that I've sacrificed, but not him. This connects to the wierd thought I had that I hope I can articulate.....
In the past, when something happened where J might need my help, I kind of had the reaction that--- we aren't married yet, I don't have to help him. I do anyways, but that's not the point. The point is that I never had that thought this week. There's some sort of sublevel switch in my brain to the married mode, kinda--- the kinda commitment switch. Or maybe it's just a symptom of flipping that switch-- because I've been committed for so long already. But it made me smile.
Yeah, that still doesn't encapsulate what I was thinking, darn it.
All I can say right now is, He is definitely buying us a brand new vase full of flowers when he's better. We need the vase more than the flowers!
Monday, September 24, 2007
Update
oh and btw, YEAY I GOT MY READING LIST FINALLY APPROVED! Well, by all but the outside member so far. I plan on taking my prelims in December. Let the nerves commence!
And my witch sister apoligized slightly for her behavior. Then said that she only apoligized because when she called she needed me to look something up on the internet. sheesh.
And my witch sister apoligized slightly for her behavior. Then said that she only apoligized because when she called she needed me to look something up on the internet. sheesh.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Witch of Honor
IN what world is your SISTER the MAID OF HONOR supposed to tell you that the dresses make her look ugly--- you can make your friends look ugly but not her-- and that payback's a bitch? What a freaking spoiled brat.Sadly, what follows is the email I just send my older sister, so she could read it to my younger fashion-natzi-selfish-rude-unconsciously hurtful-sister. She was supposed to go home this weekend and help my mom pack up the house. My mom is getting a divorce from my stepfather, who selfishly wants out of the marriage. I can say that because selfishly, he didn't see the problems 11 years ago that I saw before their marriage began.
Anyways, I just have to share, because there's nothing I can do about this, and it pains me greatly. I know I acted childishly, but I really wish my sister was a better person. She's just so self-centered, and can't see that she is being a vapid creature............
_____________________________________________________________
Dear sisters,
I am so thankful that you two are there to help mom and I can't. (older sister), I know that you have been a big help through out all of this. You can't avoid it :). You also have always been good at being there for family when we need it. Always.
(Younger sister), this is the guilt trip to make sure you spend time helping mom. Because I know that you won't spend any saturday in (home state) helping her. Enjoy football. And don't you dare yell or say anything to her. Your priority this weekend is mom. NOT yourself. That said, if you call me and are anything irrational, I WILL call you the spoiled brat you are. That does not mean we can't talk about all that I'm going to say, but I will not have a conversation of raised voices.
This world does not revolve around you. God forbid you have to wear the dress I CHOOSE to MY WEDDING. you should have said 'it's lovely' and I'll wear it" not PAYBACKS A BITCH. I don't organize my wedding to make YOU happy. Just the same, You don't lie and say you are going to help someone when the truth is that you are using the excuse to drive home to see a football game with Mike, or fly home and avoid helping.
I know mom is difficult. I know she's awful at asking for help. But a blind man can see that she needs someone to help. It's not just a matter of taping a box, it's being present as she dismantles the life she once had, and has to mentally deal with the emptiness left over. She had her life crushed. Let her bitch. Let her cry. Be a good daughter and BE THERE. You do not get to act like the youngest anymore. You are an adult. I understand that your life may not be all you wish it to be right now, but sometimes selflessness is what is needed when it comes to family. When you need me, I am there, completely. But when I need you, you send text messages that I make you look ugly with a bad dress and I should feel bad. When mom needs you, use it as an excuse to go play with your friends. grow up and act responsibly. If I had money, I would have been there this weekend, in the garage, marking boxes and packing mom's LIFE away to move. Even if I just SAT there and watched her work, she should have the option of NOT BEING ALONE when she has been PROMISED companionship.
So if you think paybacks a bitch, remember it when you have to move from chicago to somewhere else, or when you get married and want my cooperation, or when you just plain need your family to be there, without question, at your side. You get what you give. On that note, if I EVER act selfish, I expect you to be there to remind me that I shouldn't. But, if i'm just acting selfish to remind you that you are selfish sometimes, well, I'm off the hook.
Too bad you didn't answer the phone. We could have had this fight the right way.
By the way, thanks for fucking apologizing for your hysterically unsupportive, unloving, self centered, babyish attitude about the dresses. If you don't want to wear one, don't stand next to me. A Maid of Honor is above all SUPPORTIVE. You should SUPPORT me. But I see, as long as its in the pretty dress, you will.
And being the baby, you try to get off the hook of not apologizing, instead of sending picture texts of shoes. Buy all the fucking shoes you want. We are not picking any bridesmaid shoes until next year. Unlike you, some of the bridesmaids DON"T have a disposable income for 50 $ shoes. It's Payless baby. So deal with it.
That being said, have a nice weekend. See you in November.
Anyways, I just have to share, because there's nothing I can do about this, and it pains me greatly. I know I acted childishly, but I really wish my sister was a better person. She's just so self-centered, and can't see that she is being a vapid creature............
_____________________________________________________________
Dear sisters,
I am so thankful that you two are there to help mom and I can't. (older sister), I know that you have been a big help through out all of this. You can't avoid it :). You also have always been good at being there for family when we need it. Always.
(Younger sister), this is the guilt trip to make sure you spend time helping mom. Because I know that you won't spend any saturday in (home state) helping her. Enjoy football. And don't you dare yell or say anything to her. Your priority this weekend is mom. NOT yourself. That said, if you call me and are anything irrational, I WILL call you the spoiled brat you are. That does not mean we can't talk about all that I'm going to say, but I will not have a conversation of raised voices.
This world does not revolve around you. God forbid you have to wear the dress I CHOOSE to MY WEDDING. you should have said 'it's lovely' and I'll wear it" not PAYBACKS A BITCH. I don't organize my wedding to make YOU happy. Just the same, You don't lie and say you are going to help someone when the truth is that you are using the excuse to drive home to see a football game with Mike, or fly home and avoid helping.
I know mom is difficult. I know she's awful at asking for help. But a blind man can see that she needs someone to help. It's not just a matter of taping a box, it's being present as she dismantles the life she once had, and has to mentally deal with the emptiness left over. She had her life crushed. Let her bitch. Let her cry. Be a good daughter and BE THERE. You do not get to act like the youngest anymore. You are an adult. I understand that your life may not be all you wish it to be right now, but sometimes selflessness is what is needed when it comes to family. When you need me, I am there, completely. But when I need you, you send text messages that I make you look ugly with a bad dress and I should feel bad. When mom needs you, use it as an excuse to go play with your friends. grow up and act responsibly. If I had money, I would have been there this weekend, in the garage, marking boxes and packing mom's LIFE away to move. Even if I just SAT there and watched her work, she should have the option of NOT BEING ALONE when she has been PROMISED companionship.
So if you think paybacks a bitch, remember it when you have to move from chicago to somewhere else, or when you get married and want my cooperation, or when you just plain need your family to be there, without question, at your side. You get what you give. On that note, if I EVER act selfish, I expect you to be there to remind me that I shouldn't. But, if i'm just acting selfish to remind you that you are selfish sometimes, well, I'm off the hook.
Too bad you didn't answer the phone. We could have had this fight the right way.
By the way, thanks for fucking apologizing for your hysterically unsupportive, unloving, self centered, babyish attitude about the dresses. If you don't want to wear one, don't stand next to me. A Maid of Honor is above all SUPPORTIVE. You should SUPPORT me. But I see, as long as its in the pretty dress, you will.
And being the baby, you try to get off the hook of not apologizing, instead of sending picture texts of shoes. Buy all the fucking shoes you want. We are not picking any bridesmaid shoes until next year. Unlike you, some of the bridesmaids DON"T have a disposable income for 50 $ shoes. It's Payless baby. So deal with it.
That being said, have a nice weekend. See you in November.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Today's spam email
Today's spam email: "Condom Giveway: Wear the Glove, Get the Love"
Seriously. It was in my mailbox.
Seriously. It was in my mailbox.
Football
Those commercials are right, football is a disease.
I have a horrible view of what future Fall saturdays and sundays will be like. I don't like it. Of course, it's not terrible, and well--- we all know that in the end, I will 'help' him change. J stayed home from work and watched football ALL DAY. He would have done the same today, if he hadn't started to feel a bit, well, guilty(?) about not working on a weekend.
He was just this lump on the couch all day, and it was so painful for me to get him to fold laundry and make the bed (cause that takes him away from the tv) and do the dishes. We were cleaning up--- important saturday activity! I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to get those lame announcers voices out of my head while I tried to fucking finish my reading list!
One more damn revision and this better be accepted, to be sure!
I have a horrible view of what future Fall saturdays and sundays will be like. I don't like it. Of course, it's not terrible, and well--- we all know that in the end, I will 'help' him change. J stayed home from work and watched football ALL DAY. He would have done the same today, if he hadn't started to feel a bit, well, guilty(?) about not working on a weekend.
He was just this lump on the couch all day, and it was so painful for me to get him to fold laundry and make the bed (cause that takes him away from the tv) and do the dishes. We were cleaning up--- important saturday activity! I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to get those lame announcers voices out of my head while I tried to fucking finish my reading list!
One more damn revision and this better be accepted, to be sure!
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