Thursday, June 14, 2012

I know, it's been awhile. But I've been busy.
Last night at a family dinner, we toasted J's mother's birthday with her and CAD.
After dinner, CAD interrupted our winding down conversation to say

 I want to say s
omething that is personal
But you know with me,
that's fair game.

I know you are thinking about starting a family soon.
(not that soon, I interrupt)

you might want to
think about
working out. ...

Of course, I interrupted her and said, that no she does not have the privilege of having that kind of conversation with me, that only my mother, sisters, and J can talk with me about my body.

But she kept going, and the 3 of us kept interrupting her. J and his mom were mortified. I was indignant. Then they left.

It's innappropriate on multiple levels-
1. you don't get to talk about my body
2. we do not have a relationship wherein you talk about my body or pregnancy. I don't like to hug you, usually.
3. you are trying to point out that my MIL can't offer me advice because she adopted, but you can because you had a demonchild. You are not my MIL, nor my own mother. F off.

Friday, May 21, 2010

It's been awhile, I know I know

Something just happened and I need a place to put it. So here goes,
I just got a call for an interview at a local college, which is fabulous since I can't move anywhere for a job. Very exciting. I am careful about this because I know there are sooooo many of my colleagues interviewing for the same positions.

The other thing is what happened after--- I had to tell somebody, because I was so happy after waiting for so long to hear about my application. I called my husband, and my family. My sister and mother are actually at my little sister's graduation today, and i got to tell them together. But then I hung up, and the 'i need to tell someone' feeling wasn't done yet, so I left a message with my uncles. But then it hit me. I want to call my dad.

Getting over a loved one's death is always hard, and as time goes by it seems like it doesn't hurt as much. Good things fill in the emptiness. But there are still moments that take my breath away with shock, not because of the memory that I can't call him, but because somewhere unconsciously inside I thought for a split second it might be possible to call him. He's been dead for 17 years, you'd think by now my unconscious would have dealt with that.

I have to go back to being happy I got an interview now, because if I get the job, I GET TO MOVE OUT OF THIS YELLOW WALLPAPER NIGHTMARE! And that is the happiest thought of all.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Stressful Holidays

Well, I flew home last wednesday, and am now staying at my mother house. Scratch that, I'm off to my sister's tonight. I never thought that I'd actually grow more sensitive to the cold, but I have. This -8 business is bullroar!

J can't come up for Christmas because of work, and I really miss him. But I took a 15 minute shower yesterday and don't regret one minute. I also made dinner, in an oven, yesterday! And then, we used a dishwasher! I've enjoyed my time here so far- Sunday I took my nephews to the buildabear workshop, and they loved it. M got a cat he named kitkat, and C got a horse he named neigh. But C is only 2, so by the time we got to the car, the name changed to bo-something. After going to three stores and the mall with my sister, I told her I loved her but I don't want 2 kids. I was just kidding, but we did push it with a full day of shopping. I forgot how your agenda disappears when kids are there. Not that its bad, but I wasn't equipped to think fast on my feet, so I need to go back eventually and finish xmas shopping. alone.

My books arrived last night. Because of the storms and high mail, the postal service has late night delivery here. I had used the misssing books as the excuse to not work, but today I am back on the horse. sigh. I can't help but be distracted because as soon as I got home, my grandma started dying. My uncles are there, and already planned the funeral, but she's still hanging on. She is the energizer bunny. She's my dad's mom, my smart, pro-education, pro-travel, pro-independence grandma. I didn't really believe my family when they started saying she was on the last of the last, because she's been there before. But she is 94, and she has decided to die. When she puts her mind to something, by god it gets done.

I've had opportunities to call and have the phone put to her ear, so I can say something to her, but I haven't. I think she's too lost in her dreams to know my voice. But with all the travel decisions, I have an opportunity to go out west to see her early, on thursday instead of waiting for news of a funeral. But J might actually get to come and depending on HOW he gets here, I need to be at my mom's for that. But I was thinking about it, and realized that I think I also just don't know how to be around a dying person. Or maybe its because I DO know how to be around them. I watched my Dad die, and ever since I have avoided dying people. Either see them early to say good bye, or wait till the end. So maybe I don't want to go early because of my 'phobia'.

Did you know that funeral homes can keep bodies for varying lengths of time before services, depending on the age and state of the body? Apparently, my grandma's estimate is 5 days. I find it very odd to know that. Then again, when I was 13 I went with my parents to pick out my father's casket. While the adults were making decisions in the office, I played tag with my sister in the casket room. That's very odd too.

My soon-to-be-ex brother in law wants to travel with us to a funeral. THAT's been a big issue between my sisters and mom and I. It will come down to my telling Kevin-the-cheating-bastard he would probably NOT want to ride in a car with me and my lil sister for 8 hours. The boys will be in the car, but I know it will be stressful, and the trip would eventually feature a confrontation between him and any number of my cousins and sister and I. Explanations need to be had!

And then there's J. I miss him very much. I thought that since we haven't really been together since September, one more month wouldn't be too hard. But it is! And now I feel bad because he wasn't supposed to travel the week of christmas. But it looks like a funeral will be early next week (the 5 day body rule allows my uncles to schedule it at a more convenient time) and if he comes up, it will be like traveling anyways. Our only problem, as always, is money. We may still be able to use frequent flier miles to get him here, but the closer to the holiday it is, we won't. And he's threatened to drive, but if he drives up, then it would make sense for me to ride back with him, since I only bought a one way ticket up here. On top of that, he didn't get a paycheck last week because of computer error. Supposedly he'll get paid double this week, but we can't make ANY plans until we have cash in the bank. I really want him to come, but again, it might not happen. Stupid computers.

Saturday, November 28, 2009


This is the time of year that I want to run away and join the foreign service corps. They're more forgiving than the French foreign legion anyways, and don't mind that I'm a girl. But I will be positive

Ten Things I'm thankful for this year:

1. The health care reform bill passed. And J's surgeon agreed to a smaller monthly payment than I was afraid we'd have to do. Starting payments in December, we will officially have paid the sawbone off in 12 years and 2 months. Like I said before, reform is a good thing (even if it won't apply to us).

2. J is settling into his new position. It's exciting to have more cash flow in than out! Yes Virginia, we CAN have a little christmas! (and pay off debts).

3. We are fortunate to have local family who will let us stay at a house rent-free.

4. My advisor hasn't sent me a guilt trip email in 4 weeks now. I'm hiding from my email, and trying to work work work.

5. My nephews are getting through the storm of the divorce ok. But I wish that the 4 yr old didn't have to go to a counselor for anger management issues, and didn't think daddy 'gave him up' on Thanksgiving (he did though).

6. I have been very grateful for being on the recieving end of a lot of selfless giving this year. It may be a viable adage that it takes a village to raise a child, I also think it is entirely accurate to say that no man is an island, and despite the disconnected layers of current society (how far away we all are from one another, and how the internet intercedes)-- it takes a community to help us all live. When in need, its your friends who will help you, not corporations or insurance companies (but never borrow money from your family).

7. I will go see my family this holiday, and my mom and sister need me around for awhile. Plus, its pretty official that I will live in this town for the next 4 years, so I want to break away for awhile. I want some snow. And a bathtub.

8. J and I have been married for 1 year and 4 months (almost), and have experienced hardships and blessings along the way. We've really seen more hardships than good, but instead of getting cranky and losing the sparkle of what you married people call 'the honeymoon phase,' we are still silly in love together. Seriously.

9. Ambien. I know its a crutch, but it's very awesome. On Thursday night I dreamt that my to do list was a monster, trying to eat my face. I didn't take ambien then-- I had to get up early to shop for my sister. But I took it last night, by god!

10. coffee.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

post deleted because I was being a bitch about in laws issues. Must stop that. now.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Sunshine Day

I must say, things are looking up, I think. It feels very nice to know that J will get a paycheck Friday. And I'm excited that our trip is coming up soon. AND I just recieved notes back on the Diss intro. I haven't read them, but I'm gonna later-- movin on, movin on.

I drove the delta88 this weekend a bit, and have decided that I won't do that again. Yesterday, SUNDAY, I ran to Walmart. I have a legitimate reason- I needed sunscreen and if its not onsale at Target, then I should get it cheaper.

I found myself driving up in this beat down car, in the rain (it leaks in the rain). The driver door doesn't shut entirely because it's banged up on the outside. The rear view mirror fell off a while ago, apparently. There's no interior light, and the back tire needs inflating every other time we drive.

So I thought it was funny rolling up to Walmart, inbetween an overstuffed minivan and a super truck. I went inside and realized too late that my shoes were rubbing blisters into my heels, so I started doing this odd shuffle hop to avoid the blisters, pushing my cart around. AND, I hadn't taken a shower yet, so I had sleep hair. Let me tell you, I was just waiting for the intercom voice to announce, "Here's yer Sign......"

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

16 days in counting.....

Ok so I admitted that the part that makes me the crankiest, besides J's general absence, is that I'm stuck here. Part of being stuck here includes CAD and the MIL. They want to help me and I want them to go away. MIL keeps telling me that in order to keep CAD under control, and perhaps not cause another meltdown, I should accept her help at some point. Here's the sitch:

CAD finally realized that she's made a crapper of a life for herself, as she was turned down by a local community college for school. It seems that she has flunked out one two many times from there and they don't feel she's a safe bet (duh). J's recent promotion also pisses her off, mainly because she's the kind of person who bullies in order to make themselves feel better (and somehow suggest her son is better than J). Well, now she's the one stuck in a crummy house with a deadbeat son who's serving probation for marjijuana and contempt of court. Cousin has no ambition or drive beyond playing video games and manipulating the family for money. And he's 23 I think.

Anyway, apparently she's been freaking out that she realized that she has no skills, and appears to be unable to hold down a job. In front of J and MIL I said that one day she will be forced to use the government. I even said welfare, which made MIL flinch. But I'm sorry, CAD made her bed. I have my own crazy aunt on my maternal side who manipulated and squeezed my grandparents. In the 80s, she landed on welfare and that is the situation that inspired her to get an associate's degree and to really take care of my cousins. It may not seem like it, but welfare empowered my CAT (again, she's a maternal aunt I don't really talk about) because she had to feel the results of each choice she made, rather than running to my broke grandparents. I think this is what is needed with CAD.

I know that the prodigal son should be treated well, but it doesn't count if he's family. Also, in the parable, the prodigal son was SORRY, and admitted is failures. CAD will never do that, so she'll never get a free ride from me. Welfare is not a bad place-- it can work, and I don't appreciate that the stereotype is such. Its true that public assistance is the perfect storm- but I believe in the indomitable human spirit, and I've witnessed the goodness that family support (without money) can bring about wonderful changes-- CAD is lost.

I babble and I know that I'm not expressing myself clearly. One point, is that I am still a hopeful when it comes to government. I believe in a little bit of big government, because we all need some help these days. I also believe, based on my own experience, that often times the people who need the most help don't qualify for government aid. I know that at some point in my life, a situation will occur for a friend and I will go out of my way to help them, because someone did it for us. I believe in paying it forward, when you can.

I also believe that the health care system needs a drastic overhaul, and change should come NOW. I don't care if doctors wine that they spent x dollars on graduate school in the anticipation of y dollars in career salary. Well Dr. doctor, I spent x dollars on graduate school and I KNOW I will not get anywhere near your average hourly appointment wage. You are not entitled. Tax the rich. If I win the lottery, I'll pay the taxes because that's the price we pay to live here and not somewhere else.

Oh, the other point is that I really want to avoid any rides offered by CAD or food. erg.