I feel like one of those trick birthday candles. The wick is lit and no matter how hard or how many times you try to blow it out, it's still there, slowly burning........ too much to do, so little time, so little time, so much to do, said the white hare.

So, how do you negotiate the whole "i want to go see a movie. I know you can't come, I'm going with my friends" move? And what happened the days when I could just randomly call a friend, ask them to meet me at the theatre in an hour, and have it actually happen?

This is wierd, incorporating someone else's schedule into my own.


Bottom line: If he's sick in bed, is it rude of me to go see a movie on my own?

first post

So, I used to use Livejournal, which I liked because I can filter, do private posts, and pretty much control what other people see. But I thought I might try a new community, one which is separate from all the memories and experiences I recorded on LJ.

I want to share that there's this guy sick in my bed right now. But what's the vocabulary to use? If I say 'this guy,' there are different connotations than 'my friend' 'my boyfriend' or 'brother' or 'fiancee' or 'husband'. Of course the all mean something different in terms of defining HIM, but each term also defines ME in your own mind. If I say 'this guy' you might think its an indication that I have slept with some man who doesn't mean that much to me (because he has no title), and if I said 'boyfriend' then you already correctly assume I'm in a committed relationship. But if I say 'fiancee,' my own definition mutates even further, and for some reason who I am takes on a more safe tone.

And I frustrated that there's this clearly delineated stratosphere of my community, not because I feel excluded from either group. I don't like that I somehow should belong to one more than the other--- the singles versus the marrieds. And even then, there are circles within those circles, that even the people who do feel resentment towards the separation of community are reluctant to admit to.... the singles have their own layers. But none of that matters, and the issue that is what really causes me to pause is the fact that the people who may protest at these 'circles' are usually the ones who are angry to be excluded, like they think that it's something they did to be excluded. But if you are trying to get your non-department partner to meet people in your department, it's easier to invite couples. When you want to go out as a couple, it's easier to ask another couple because either the single that would have been invited might take offense (because society tells them they have to be termed the third wheel) or they might feel pressured to find a date.

But what the whole thing is about, is that fact that people who used to be friends for certain reasons, have grown apart or moved on. And instead of flatly acknowledging that "no, I don't want to hang out with X because I am no longer bitter at the world or living in a small town" we ignore each other, walk down different hallways, invite different people.

But at the base of it all is that fact that none of this really means anything. I don't really care about stratified society, because I like it that way. I have always had very different friends--- even friends who hate each other and therefore can never hang out together (forcing me to choose)--- because it allows me to maintain a multiplicitous (not sure if that's a word) personality, and gratify all my urges. I have my friends who will talk about marriage and babies, or modernism and 20th century british literature, or cooking and drinking. Everybody in each of those groups can talk about everything, but I seek them out for certain reasons sometimes-- and most of my friends fit in all categories.

But anyway, labels. names. referential categories of attachment. pronouns.

Can't live with em, can't live without em.

(What I'm really thinking about, the whole time I type this, is what will my name be after I get married.)