I'm lucky

Yesterday I started the day feeling down. We've decided we can't afford our honeymoon, so we need to change it. I got caught up in the chain reaction of "what if we can't afford to see my family at thanksgiving? We aren't going at Christmas because we were going on a honeymoon in January. But if we don't do a honey moon then, then I'll skip my family entirely for no good reason". It was really upsetting because I LIKE my family. I WANT to see them. And J's mom said that for as long as we live in the same town as her, we can spend every holiday up north and she won't mind. If she gets us every weekend, then xmas and the rest are totally cool. Plus, they don't celebrate like my family.

So first, no honeymoon. Ok I kid, we will have a trip and we really want to go in January. It's important to me that we go sooner than summer, because quite frankly I need a vacation and I want to go away and be romantic with my husband. The wear and tear of daily frustrations here (school and money) just break you down so much. I like escapism.

Anyways, we decided that Hawaii is too far too expensive. 2 plane tickets cost 2622.00. But a week (5 days) at Walt Disney World's Polynesian Resort is the same price. We will drive to florida, and we can get a package deal with room, a meal plan, park tickets, and some freebies for the same price as the plane tickets. AND we don't necessarily need to make a booking until the end of November. So we can wait to amass some more money.

Second, I was depressed about the holidays and not seeing my family. All of this was in my head when J picked me up at the gym last night, and I cried in the car on the way home. His reaction is to fix a problem of course, so we also had a chat about how I need to release my fears through talking and crying (which I don't do often, and that makes it worse for him apparently).

When we arrived home, and I was sniveling the last of my cry, I walked in to discover that J had spent his 3 hours after work cleaning the house, mopping the kitchen floor (in guy terms, with a swiffer), did 2 loads of laundry, lit two candles and turned on the radio to cheesy music.

I must tell you that this is not the first time this has happened. My husband really is a wonderful person. I had prepared myself in life--- like, before I met a boy-- that when I got married I would get stuck in a totally traditional gender binary. But that's not what I got! J cooks and does the dishes atleast 5 nights a week. And I was not the last person to vacuum the living room before yesterday, it was J. I may fold and process laundry, and scrub the bathroom sink, but J really shows me love in actions.

I started saying "Do you know how I know my husband loves me?" and filling in an action, like filling the ice cube trays in the fridge, or hanging up his towel in a 3 quarter fold on the bar, or making the bed, or turning off all the lights, a few weeks ago. I noticed that its a positive way for me to point out that A. I respond to actions more than flowers and B. he knows concretely all the little things that actually mean alot to me. And he'll learn some good habits :). I thought about this after a Friend told me about the 5 languages of love. I'm definitely someone who responds to actions more than gifts (J is a gift guy). So last night when we walked into the house to this amazing tableau, it was wonderful.

And J didn't even know I was stressed out yesterday.

CAD

FYI, We have family dinner tonight.

I must be prepared to say the right thing, before she insults me.

UPDATE: Dinner went fine. No insults.

I'm done

I would like to announce that I'm Done.

I'm Done feeling sorry for myself because we're broke. I'm done flaking on my friends-- instead of ditching yoga for Bingo (I did, really! we didn't win) I will just admit that I'm frustrated about cancelling my Golds membership soon, because we pay 54 a month for my two times a week at yoga. J has a sweet deal--- his membership is 19 a month, but he hasn't worked out in a year. So that means I spent 240 bucks on nothing last year. I will admit that I'm afraid that we can't have a honeymoon because we can't buy plane tickets. I will admit that I was a stupid, compulsive buyer who signed up for a freaking discount time share, and now I'm stuck paying the money on it.

I'm Done waffling about my dissertation. I need to clarify my terms in use, and get on with it. I need to bullshit a conclusion. I 'concluded' my argument, and summarized my main points. Can't I be done with it?

I thought after we got married, we'd have more money. How naive! I finally got through to J, and explained on paper why I freak out about money--- I showed him our budget, and how he fits into it. So he's been working hard ever since. He finally GOT what I was pissy about. I shoulda shown him the numbers a long time ago! And yes, he's growing up. I guess you could say I finally convinced him that I'm right about certain issues. I was really proud when we had a conversation about going out late in the middle of the week (I just can't see past that), and he identified WHY he used to do that (frustration with job) and that he can't do that anymore because he is a different man now. Now that we know the why, its easier to find a different outlet, one that doesn't require money, and doesn't piss me off or involve drinking so much.

And sometimes, I just have to admit I want my daddy. When he was dying, my dad made a video for us, and in my video he told me that my friends like to ask for advice, but I should be careful not to give advice about experience I didn't have. He also tried to warn me that I should wait for the right guy, and not date the bad ones. But he never gave any advice about being married. I don't think he could concieve of me getting married. I mean, I was only 13. But I wish I could get his opinion-- or at least watch his examples of interacting with my mom. I just wish he was here, so I could ask for his advice or not--- I just wish I had the choice.

So I was going through some boxes to put away (I need room in the office to work), and I found a framed print of Goya's. This is a picture that one of my grandmother's friends had bought in Spain, and had shipped back to the states in the 30s/40s. I'm sure its just a poster that was framed, but it's kinda cool to know I have a poster from the 30s/40s, by Goya.

Men..................