Oral exams

I Passed.

what next

So I've been having some health complications, that I chalked up to stress before exams, but it's apparently more.

Monday, I have an 11am ultrasound for gallstones, and my oral exam at 230pm. This sucks. And I was going to drive home for the holidays on Tuesday. I have to plan 'just in case' I have to have surgery. Great. fantastic. super. ergh.

And J found out that he has 2 blown discs, and a slipped disc in his back. The chiropracter is pretty much in charge of treatment now, and he has to do disc decompression. If that doesn't work, a neurosurgeon will stick huge needles in his back. And if that doesn't work, they will have to remove part of his spinal stuff!

Reminder: ALWAYS SIGN UP FOR HEALTH INSURANCE!

I couldn't help but cry at J's appointment. I'm fine with my own crap, but my first thought was that it's selfish of me to ask our families to dish out so much money for a wedding. And the responsibile thing to do would be to postpone the wedding, or have a very small, private wedding-combined-honeymoon. I didn't want to say anything until we were out of the office, because I desperately was fighting the logical half of me--- knowing that it usually wins--- and I realized that it is really, really important to me to have this wedding, to have my friends there, my family there, a priest and a church and a party, etc.

Blame it on Saussuer. I'm changing my signifier, and I need my collective public to agree to my new assignation. Plus, my dad died so early, that many people became a part of my life, and I want them there. And I want a church wedding. And a cake, and be back home. I didn't know how important it was to me, until I considered giving it up and doing a Sandals weddingmoon thing.

Of course, J disagreed, and said not to worry, that this was a little thing and we can have it all. Actually, he said, "Being adopted three times, and being returned twice is hard. Having your fifth birthday show up without your mother or your birthday cake is hard. Living alone when your 5 is hard. This is not hard. This will not end up in surgery."

I know he's right. And the thing is that this pain won't keep him from work much longer. He'll be able to do work stuff. He just needs these therapy sessions to help him in the long run.

Yesterday was just crappy. We're both broken. But at least I met my insurance deductible already.

Did you know that the word pumpernickel is believed to stem from Middle German and mean, roughly, "goblin that breaks wind"?

Oral exams next week

Finally heard back from the chair, and I know most people would say 'of course you passed' but as always, I doubted a little. Must now get my travel plans in order, in hopes that I can get home this year, in between ice storms, I hope.

The morning of the exam, last thursday, I couldn't help but stop in the computer lab and watch the online press conference at 930. (exam at 10). They were announcing victims names from the shooting and I had to know. I've always heard that the exams are very emotional--- you spend so much time, effort, energy, worry on this one 4 hour test, that people usually cry afterwards. Well, I couldn't help but cry before hand. And I'm quite proud of the fact that I actually provided satisfactory discussions despite being distracted. I am a bit worried on my answer concerning my interpretatation of Inderpal Grewal and Karen Caplan's article “Global Identities: Theorizing Transnational Studies of Sexuality”. GLQ 7:4 (2001): 663-679.

Must go study now.

Good note: we found a 'bigwheels' for my nephew's christmas present. You'd be surprised how many cheesy children's show-inspired trikes there are out there and yet, we only found 2 big wheels. I'm tempted to cut a hole in the tire and throw a rock in, so it'll sound just like the one my sisters and I had so long ago!

I also called my sis yesterday, and my nephew was on her shoulder (close to the phone) crying. She was trying to coax him with a bit of chocolate (he's been sick) and had no luck, so I talked to him, asked him what he was eating, and how nice that was, yadda yadda yadda. He started to get the siren whining cry started again, and I asked him if I could come over and play next week, he whined a 'yes' but didn't stop. Then I asked "Can J come play next week" and he immediately stopped crying and chirped "yes, O-K!"

My goodness, J hung out with him for less than a week this past summer--- and that's the reaction he gets! He hasn't seen J since August--- remember this kid isn't even 2 yet!

He did then tell me that he loved me and missed me and can't wait to see me and bring J with me. smart kid.

Westroads Mall

My exam is in 12 hours. I've spent the past few thinking about the shooting back home. I'm fortunate enough to have heard from my family, and despite holiday shopping plans, my ma didn't go to the mall today. I will not worry about this too much--- I can't. I need to focus on my notes. But I can't help but think about it. My ex-stepdad is involved with the trauma counseling, so he's somewhat in the 'know'.

I can't help but worry about all the people involved, all the victims, their families, the shooter's families.

And my god, he was in the children's dept. in front of the customer service area. He killed someone's grandpa, who was looking for presents. He shot parents. And he shot a few women in the head.

Please tell me gun laws will actually change. PLEASE.

My exam is at 10am Thursday. That means I have 3 days to study. and i know that everyone probably feels unprepared, but holy buckets!

I can't eat, I can't sleep well, I just have the nervous caffiene feeling all the time. And as soon as the test is done, I gotta get going on the wedding list crap! And I might be one pregnant bridesmaid down. Not that that's a bad thing, it's lovely and I want to be a godmother. But that requires logistical planning right now that I just do not have.

The talk went ok. things are fine. Now I know the communication requirements she expects (perhaps an email once a week) and my test is on target. we both got some outside feedback on expectations before the meeting.

game on.

how to respond

My diss. chair just emailed me that "since I chose to not submit a rough draft of my proposal" she's "very dissappointed" because I "may have to postpone my prelims" because my proposal will not be good enough quality for the exams. It will need multiple revisions, and apparently on HER FREAKING PLANET THEY ALL HAPPEN BEFORE THE DAMN EXAM.

I took thanksgiving to relax, do light studying, and de-stress===== but obviously she doesn't think I need to relax, since I "need to draft a plan B".

How do I tell HER what is expected of me during the freaking exam process? I've been called into the 'principals office' tomorrow at 3pm. Can I just tell her to kiss my ass?

Seriously, what the hell do I say to her? SHe wants to postpone the damn exam because I didn't send her any drafts of the proposal yet, which isn't technically due until the exam! Instead, she wants to make me feel like a failure and a pointless effort in my study. what an asset!

Well, I'm almost two weeks into my intensive study plan--- which has me at the office until midnight most nights, or a cool Sandwich Shop, and always exhausted at the end of the day. I actually have to get my supplies together, as I am about to leave for Thanksgiving week. Because of the mother's divorce, we are spending time together as a family, elsewhere, using the last of the timeshare without the ex-stepfather. Of course, this requires me to pack my clothes AND my books. Sadly, J can't come--- the back thing. He's better but

OH GUESS WHAT

he said I was right yesterday! He said it more than once. And when he said it, it turned into a self-chastising refrain for him. The thing is, he had 2 friends over Thursday night, while I was off studying. They played the wii, and had a few beers. I warned him that all that standing (because he wasn't going to lie down in the bedroom and leave his friends alone) would hurt. I TOLD him that he had to be sooo careful. And of course, he thinks he's invincible.

Well, he's not, and he's more sore friday and today than he should be. So he knows I was right. He stood for almost 8 hours, instead of laying down for 8 hours. And the beer wasn't so good an idea either.

Basically, this was the first return to the 'situation which causes fights' and we didn't fight. AND he said I was right. But I never acted nor suggested that was what was going on.

We've also determined that most of his stupid moves stem from his fear of abandonement-- he grew up neglected, was taken away from his birth mother at 6 ish, when through foster care in 3 homes, a boys home, etc, until he finally landed with his mom and was adopted around age 9-10. The point is, I've gotten him to focus on the WHY instead of just WHAT he does.

Oh, and on Thursday night, he woke me up at 4am to tell me that 'We need a baby'. I have no idea what he was talking about all night--- his two friends aren't married or have children, let alone in solid relationships! What would they be talking about? Although, we do watch my friend's baby on Thursdays, who J has named Didder-Didder, after the very first noise she made in his face. She actually sang with him Thursday--- he held her and sang nonsense, waited a beat, and she laughted, danced and sang nonsense back!

He always says 'we need one of those' on Thursdays.

(un)necessary therapy?

This past week has been pretty ok here, despite the (shhhh) hangover last thursday.

I'm starting to wonder about the usefulness of this blog. I mean, I think I know who reads it (which is probably 3 people including myself) and all I do is whine about my fiance. That's right, I remember, I don't want to be the annoying chick who talks only about their impending wedding. That's why this is here. I can say all that crap in one place and not repeat it. Well, not repeat it multiple times, I guess.

We don't really have it that bad, and while yes, we both have some growing up to do (him more than me, ahem) our relationship is as strong as ever. Its just that we both have 'living' habits that have to stop/change, and so I whine about it. I feel that we are going about getting that change each time we talk, and evaluate our goals, and find out boundaries.

And he just signed us up for marraige counselling. He made dinner. He vacuumed. He cleaned the kitchen up. He made the bed and got my pajamas out for me.

I think I have a wife, at least for now. I'm the bad one, who when their turn to make dinner came, ordered papa johns. Excuse me, the delivery man is here..........

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I feel Better

Despite having an awful week, I feel better. I feel better because I got to talk through things with two friends. But is being in a relationship supposed to be so soap-opera-y?

I've decided that though J loves me with all his heart, and truly wants to start a family and have a family with me (and settle down), maybe he just doesn't really know what to do?

I know it's a stereotype that when women get married, it's always the man who needs to 'settle down', that men act adolescent. But it's true. I'm running out of ways to say how I feel when we have 'the fight'. Because we only fight about one issue, you know. Generally it revolves around J going out at night. He says he'll be home by 1230am, and that he'll do the dishes clean up-- or something--- (because, as he says, I have too much to do with my own schoolwork). He calls instead-- or I have to call him, at 1am. He promises to arrive at 130. 145. etc. With the exception of maybe 2 times, he shows up near three.

I insist that this means he lied. He stated one thing, and didn't follow through. And I always end up doing whatever house work is deemed necessary AND my studying, and fuming, etc.

Earlier this week was the last time he did it. (imagine this argument happening once every 2-3 weeks for over a year). He always promises to change, AND he thinks that it all stops the day we get married. I'm not comfortable with that idea.

OH OH AND, he doesn't confide in anybody! Christ, how can you get perspective on the situation--- where its clear, constantly, that you screw up, unless you ask a trusted friend for advice!

That's it. We still have marriage prep to do with the church, but first we are going to couples therapy. I'm tired of saying the same thing over and over. And I want him to grow up.

He acts like my students, not like my colleagues. But when I say that, he gets really offended.

Oh yeah, and I got NO schoolwork done yesterday. erg.

ok so i'm having a little nerves attack today. It's not a panic attack. Of course, I stopped taking my anti-anxiety medication last may. So far, so....coping. I'd rather not take extra pills anyways, since I just forget to take them.

I need some space. I need alone time and distance and to just not live together for a while. I'm so tired of this whole being hurt deal. It's the awkward stage where he's better enough to get on my nerves, but not good enough to go back to work. erg.

I know it's my own problems with study skills and anxiety, but seriously, a one bedroom apartment is too DAMN small.

9 days

it's been 9 days since my last post......... time sure flies. Sometimes that's NOT a good thing. I'm trying to figure out my dissertation--- what's the STATUS of the Question. oohhhh hoooohh. But I can't help it, I keep finding ways to waste time. I typed up my half of the guest list. I know I'm early, but for some reason, no one else seems to understand that when I said I need to know HOW MANY PEOPLE are on their lists-- groom, MOG, AND my own mother, they say I should wait till January.

Well, I have a 75$ off coupon on printing, but need to use it by december, so give me the stupid addresses and names!


That said, it's been interesting to go through my older sister's guest list from 7 years ago, and see how many family friends are family friends no more. All is well, since we don't have the money to pay for them. But think, her wedding had atleast 300 people at the reception. We are aiming for 160-180. My list-- the family and friends that I want to invite, plus wedding party and some of the groom's friends that I DO know, comes to 145.

I just don't know, how many Out of town Groom's guests do we invite, without it look like we're just sending an invitation and request for a gift? Where his family lives and where the wedding is---- it's 3 states away!

MOH will be MIA

Ahem. The Maid of Honor has informed me that she will be going to Australia next summer, for 3 weeks, and will get back SIX days before the wedding. My sister. so helpful.

Good thing my other sister is 'matron of honor'. Of course, I shouldn't complain too much, since I'm sure I was a bit of a flake as MoH at my older sister's wedding 7 years ago. sigh.

And MoG has asked that the groom's 2 cousins, who are 14, and he hasn't seen in 7 years, have a role in the wedding. I'm just waiting for the eventual conversation to resurface about Cuzzin who lives here, and what role he gets. Personally, I don't think it's right to ask someone to stand up for you at a wedding, if said person called you a whore last summer. No, Cuzzin will not have a role.

Story on Cuzzin to follow, after I do just a bit of work.

D Day for my Ma

Today's the day my ma had to sell her house, buy a new one, finalize divorce, and move. AND my sister found out that her second child will be a

BOY!

I tried to be nice to my ma. I bought her 2 sets of clothes-- so she'd have something new to wear when she's starting new. there are things about my father's death that she never dealt with, and has said have begun to hit her now. I see that, and I just wish I could be there to help.

But someone sent her a bouquet of flowers today.... from my dad..... who's dead...... I'm sure it was meant to be a nice sentiment, and it was. But the things like that drive my ma crazy. It had to come from someone who knew she has talked about thinking about my dad lately. But without signing a name, I'm actually waiting to get angry if it's a really wrong person--- like my ex-step-father who thinks that he can have a friendship with my ma.

What do we do with exs? Is there a parallel between my 'friendship' with my ex and my ma and ex-step? If I choose a clean break with ex-step, I should do the same to any exs. I get that. But is the same true if I don't break off with ex-step? I'm not angry for ex-step. I feel sorry for him. And annoyed, like he wasted our time for 11 years. My ma could have actually dealt with her grief and being alone, and MAYBE found someone else to be truly happy with. But, and I think ex-step agrees, no one will be happy with ex-step. He wills it that way. I feel sorry for all he's missing out on, the family he doesn't get to be a part of anymore.

I don't know if he quite realizes yet that while he will be invited to birthday parties, he's not a part of Christmas eve or dinner or present opening with the fam. The collective relationship ceases, and it's our turn to create individual relationships. Let's see what the future brings.

Oh yeah, who sent the flowers!!!

For Better Or Worse, Worse first

So J hurt his back earlier this week, and has been bed-ridden ever since. It's been a trying time because he has no health insurance right now, due to inbetween jobs. So he's been stuck in the bedroom since Monday. When I say stuck, I mean stuck. He can't make the 10 steps to the toilet. We've improvised on that point. I wash his hair in a sandpail, with wonderful bathjunkie stuff that thankfully, doesn't irritate skin since we can't really wash it out or off all the way. I try to amuse him. I put food on trays within reach.

The thought that crossed my mind in all of this isn't what you'd think--- I mean, yes I'm a bit frustrated because my work has totally suffered because of this, and I'm in a place where that just doesn't fly. But I'm also able to adapt and redistribute my anal retentive plan for the semester. But I've said nothing to him about it. Yes, I do want someone to know that I've sacrificed, but not him. This connects to the wierd thought I had that I hope I can articulate.....

In the past, when something happened where J might need my help, I kind of had the reaction that--- we aren't married yet, I don't have to help him. I do anyways, but that's not the point. The point is that I never had that thought this week. There's some sort of sublevel switch in my brain to the married mode, kinda--- the kinda commitment switch. Or maybe it's just a symptom of flipping that switch-- because I've been committed for so long already. But it made me smile.

Yeah, that still doesn't encapsulate what I was thinking, darn it.

All I can say right now is, He is definitely buying us a brand new vase full of flowers when he's better. We need the vase more than the flowers!

Update

oh and btw, YEAY I GOT MY READING LIST FINALLY APPROVED! Well, by all but the outside member so far. I plan on taking my prelims in December. Let the nerves commence!


And my witch sister apoligized slightly for her behavior. Then said that she only apoligized because when she called she needed me to look something up on the internet. sheesh.

Witch of Honor

IN what world is your SISTER the MAID OF HONOR supposed to tell you that the dresses make her look ugly--- you can make your friends look ugly but not her-- and that payback's a bitch? What a freaking spoiled brat.Sadly, what follows is the email I just send my older sister, so she could read it to my younger fashion-natzi-selfish-rude-unconsciously hurtful-sister. She was supposed to go home this weekend and help my mom pack up the house. My mom is getting a divorce from my stepfather, who selfishly wants out of the marriage. I can say that because selfishly, he didn't see the problems 11 years ago that I saw before their marriage began.

Anyways, I just have to share, because there's nothing I can do about this, and it pains me greatly. I know I acted childishly, but I really wish my sister was a better person. She's just so self-centered, and can't see that she is being a vapid creature............

_____________________________________________________________

Dear sisters,

I am so thankful that you two are there to help mom and I can't. (older sister), I know that you have been a big help through out all of this. You can't avoid it :). You also have always been good at being there for family when we need it. Always.

(Younger sister), this is the guilt trip to make sure you spend time helping mom. Because I know that you won't spend any saturday in (home state) helping her. Enjoy football. And don't you dare yell or say anything to her. Your priority this weekend is mom. NOT yourself. That said, if you call me and are anything irrational, I WILL call you the spoiled brat you are. That does not mean we can't talk about all that I'm going to say, but I will not have a conversation of raised voices.

This world does not revolve around you. God forbid you have to wear the dress I CHOOSE to MY WEDDING. you should have said 'it's lovely' and I'll wear it" not PAYBACKS A BITCH. I don't organize my wedding to make YOU happy. Just the same, You don't lie and say you are going to help someone when the truth is that you are using the excuse to drive home to see a football game with Mike, or fly home and avoid helping.

I know mom is difficult. I know she's awful at asking for help. But a blind man can see that she needs someone to help. It's not just a matter of taping a box, it's being present as she dismantles the life she once had, and has to mentally deal with the emptiness left over. She had her life crushed. Let her bitch. Let her cry. Be a good daughter and BE THERE. You do not get to act like the youngest anymore. You are an adult. I understand that your life may not be all you wish it to be right now, but sometimes selflessness is what is needed when it comes to family. When you need me, I am there, completely. But when I need you, you send text messages that I make you look ugly with a bad dress and I should feel bad. When mom needs you, use it as an excuse to go play with your friends. grow up and act responsibly. If I had money, I would have been there this weekend, in the garage, marking boxes and packing mom's LIFE away to move. Even if I just SAT there and watched her work, she should have the option of NOT BEING ALONE when she has been PROMISED companionship.

So if you think paybacks a bitch, remember it when you have to move from chicago to somewhere else, or when you get married and want my cooperation, or when you just plain need your family to be there, without question, at your side. You get what you give. On that note, if I EVER act selfish, I expect you to be there to remind me that I shouldn't. But, if i'm just acting selfish to remind you that you are selfish sometimes, well, I'm off the hook.

Too bad you didn't answer the phone. We could have had this fight the right way.

By the way, thanks for fucking apologizing for your hysterically unsupportive, unloving, self centered, babyish attitude about the dresses. If you don't want to wear one, don't stand next to me. A Maid of Honor is above all SUPPORTIVE. You should SUPPORT me. But I see, as long as its in the pretty dress, you will.

And being the baby, you try to get off the hook of not apologizing, instead of sending picture texts of shoes. Buy all the fucking shoes you want. We are not picking any bridesmaid shoes until next year. Unlike you, some of the bridesmaids DON"T have a disposable income for 50 $ shoes. It's Payless baby. So deal with it.

That being said, have a nice weekend. See you in November.

Today's spam email

Today's spam email: "Condom Giveway: Wear the Glove, Get the Love"


Seriously. It was in my mailbox.

Football

Those commercials are right, football is a disease.

I have a horrible view of what future Fall saturdays and sundays will be like. I don't like it. Of course, it's not terrible, and well--- we all know that in the end, I will 'help' him change. J stayed home from work and watched football ALL DAY. He would have done the same today, if he hadn't started to feel a bit, well, guilty(?) about not working on a weekend.

He was just this lump on the couch all day, and it was so painful for me to get him to fold laundry and make the bed (cause that takes him away from the tv) and do the dishes. We were cleaning up--- important saturday activity! I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to get those lame announcers voices out of my head while I tried to fucking finish my reading list!

One more damn revision and this better be accepted, to be sure!

First Day of School

So today it all begins again. I met with The Chair to discuss most recent issues with reading list and its inability to be approved. Hopefully, I will have that paperwork done by next Friday. But when I have an absent committee member who never plans on returning to this state, it makes timeslines a bit hard. I've been working on this damn list since, oh, I don't know, LAST FALL!

Insert buddha belly rubbing moment. ommmmm. OM....

My current plan is to do whatever I am told, so I may get on with it.

On a happier note, we talked about my potential dissertation topic today. On the upside, my ideas are very VERY timely, and if I get my ass in gear I need to get published sooner than later, so that my name is one of the first associated with these ideas and new turns in thinking. On the down side, I need to get published sooner than later, so that my name is one of the first associated with these ideas and new turns in thinking. So my highly irrational plan for the next two years may work out.
December: prelim test
January to March: hit the diss hard
March: I kinda hope I get to go home for a bridal shower/bachelorette party. My ma's friends had offered to throw one (which we all know is really for my ma then me.) but she hasn't heard from them in a few months. Of course, the divorce gets in the way of everything. More on that later.
April-July:Hit Diss again, hard. Try to whip out one chapter for pub. as article
August: I get married. honeymoon. brain turned off.
December: have diss pretty much done, and set up a defense for early spring
May 2009: graduate. and.... maybe be pregnant. If J has a good job.

I know, I know, it's all pipedreams. I'll be here till 2010. sigh.

Wedding Stress

No, I don't want to go to Canada for my honeymoon.
Because we want somewhere warm.
We want to wear swimsuits.
All the time.
No you can't do that in Canada
Go deep sea fishing.
We don't want that kind of fishing
Go snorkeling.
NO you can't do that in Alberta.
Go Scuba diving.
No I don't want to do that in Canada!
Go Parasailing.
No, I don't want to do that in Canada!
No, I don't want to go on a cruise!!! A cruise is like school to me!!

Now imagine a "but....." between each response.

I thought I had good "thank you but no thankyou" sounds to my voice. It should have worked at the first response, not the 300th!

March 25th

So today's the day my dad died, 14 years ago. I've hit that point where I have now been alive longer without him than with, and that feels very weird.

Backstory: My dad started acting sick at the holidays of '92. He went to the hospital after my Mom asked my sisters and I to convince him to go in (he already knew what was wrong, in a way) at the start of January. On January 5th, he was diagnosed with cancer of the stomach lining, which is still incurable. As in, nobody who's had it STILL has lived beyond a few months. He was sick, doing chemo for 2 and a half months, then he died. We didn't get alot of time to adjust. But we were still luckier than other people who's family members die suddenly-- we got time for a bit of talking.

My dad made these video tapes for my sister, mom, me, and his and my mom's families. This was before the Michael Keaton movie My Life. They have always been really important to us. I have about 30 minutes of my dad talking to just me, on video tape. But something happened during the filming, and there's no sound for all but 10 minutes. Each year, when I watch it, I hope that maybe magically the sound will come back. Not this year.

I wish I could have given J the father he always wanted through marriage. He was always looking forward to the idea that he'd marry into a family, and there would automatically be a dad there. Well, I have a stepdad. Who's an ex-priest. Who gave my father last rites, and officiated his funeral. He buried my father. And then, 3 years later, he married my mom. It sounds twisted, it isn't. I probably should stop resenting him, but do you know how hard that is?

Not exactly a story you talk about down here, in Bush-ultra-conservative-religion-land.

waiting waiting waiting

Yesterday I realized that I've slowly stopped doing things that I used to. Which is ok, because I'm talking about staying up all night, drinking, spending money on drinking, and wasting my time talking to strangers who I really don't give a crap about, but they happen to be sitting at my table.

Well, last night I decided that instead of being the 'responsible one'-- which is a title that just should never describe me, I would join in and have a few cocktails. So of course now I'm irritated because even though I got to play stupid trivia games and stay up all night (530), I still am a rational being, woke up at 930, and took a shower. My fiancee was nice, got up and made me coffee and breakfast while the friend we brought home for safe keeping stayed passed out on the couch. I was convinced to lie around on the bed and watch tv for a few hours, when J fell asleep again. I watched FREAKY FRIDAY, a wierd moment of enjoying Nickelodeon (at least I think it was Nick). But it's 230 now. They are asleep. I can't work because there are snoring people in my mental space! ARGHHHHH!!!

Why can't we have that one night of 'reclaiming our youth' but then blend it in with the rational present! I'm not wierd for working on saturday. I'm not. So why do I keep telling myself that I am-- since i'm the only one awake to think so?

I'm just all itchy crawly in my own skin. And I'm bummed that I stayed awake till 530.

Even running the kitchen disposal won't wake them up! I'm going to leave, I think.

waiting waiting waiting

Yesterday I realized that I've slowly stopped doing things that I used to. Which is ok, because I'm talking about staying up all night, drinking, spending money on drinking, and wasting my time talking to strangers who I really don't give a crap about, but they happen to be sitting at my table.

Well, last night I decided that instead of being the 'responsible one'-- which is a title that just should never describe me, I would join in and have a few cocktails. So of course now I'm irritated because even though I got to play stupid trivia games and stay up all night (530), I still am a rational being, woke up at 930, and took a shower. My fiancee was nice, got up and made me coffee and breakfast while the friend we brought home for safe keeping stayed passed out on the couch. I was convinced to lie around on the bed and watch tv for a few hours, when J fell asleep again. I watched FREAKY FRIDAY, a wierd moment of enjoying Nickelodeon (at least I think it was Nick). But it's 230 now. They are asleep. I can't work because there are snoring people in my mental space! ARGHHHHH!!!

Why can't we have that one night of 'reclaiming our youth' but then blend it in with the rational present! I'm not wierd for working on saturday. I'm not. So why do I keep telling myself that I am-- since i'm the only one awake to think so?

I'm just all itchy crawly in my own skin. And I'm bummed that I stayed awake till 530.

Even running the kitchen disposal won't wake them up! I'm going to leave, I think.

I feel like one of those trick birthday candles. The wick is lit and no matter how hard or how many times you try to blow it out, it's still there, slowly burning........ too much to do, so little time, so little time, so much to do, said the white hare.

So, how do you negotiate the whole "i want to go see a movie. I know you can't come, I'm going with my friends" move? And what happened the days when I could just randomly call a friend, ask them to meet me at the theatre in an hour, and have it actually happen?

This is wierd, incorporating someone else's schedule into my own.


Bottom line: If he's sick in bed, is it rude of me to go see a movie on my own?

first post

So, I used to use Livejournal, which I liked because I can filter, do private posts, and pretty much control what other people see. But I thought I might try a new community, one which is separate from all the memories and experiences I recorded on LJ.

I want to share that there's this guy sick in my bed right now. But what's the vocabulary to use? If I say 'this guy,' there are different connotations than 'my friend' 'my boyfriend' or 'brother' or 'fiancee' or 'husband'. Of course the all mean something different in terms of defining HIM, but each term also defines ME in your own mind. If I say 'this guy' you might think its an indication that I have slept with some man who doesn't mean that much to me (because he has no title), and if I said 'boyfriend' then you already correctly assume I'm in a committed relationship. But if I say 'fiancee,' my own definition mutates even further, and for some reason who I am takes on a more safe tone.

And I frustrated that there's this clearly delineated stratosphere of my community, not because I feel excluded from either group. I don't like that I somehow should belong to one more than the other--- the singles versus the marrieds. And even then, there are circles within those circles, that even the people who do feel resentment towards the separation of community are reluctant to admit to.... the singles have their own layers. But none of that matters, and the issue that is what really causes me to pause is the fact that the people who may protest at these 'circles' are usually the ones who are angry to be excluded, like they think that it's something they did to be excluded. But if you are trying to get your non-department partner to meet people in your department, it's easier to invite couples. When you want to go out as a couple, it's easier to ask another couple because either the single that would have been invited might take offense (because society tells them they have to be termed the third wheel) or they might feel pressured to find a date.

But what the whole thing is about, is that fact that people who used to be friends for certain reasons, have grown apart or moved on. And instead of flatly acknowledging that "no, I don't want to hang out with X because I am no longer bitter at the world or living in a small town" we ignore each other, walk down different hallways, invite different people.

But at the base of it all is that fact that none of this really means anything. I don't really care about stratified society, because I like it that way. I have always had very different friends--- even friends who hate each other and therefore can never hang out together (forcing me to choose)--- because it allows me to maintain a multiplicitous (not sure if that's a word) personality, and gratify all my urges. I have my friends who will talk about marriage and babies, or modernism and 20th century british literature, or cooking and drinking. Everybody in each of those groups can talk about everything, but I seek them out for certain reasons sometimes-- and most of my friends fit in all categories.

But anyway, labels. names. referential categories of attachment. pronouns.

Can't live with em, can't live without em.

(What I'm really thinking about, the whole time I type this, is what will my name be after I get married.)