Stressful Holidays

Well, I flew home last wednesday, and am now staying at my mother house. Scratch that, I'm off to my sister's tonight. I never thought that I'd actually grow more sensitive to the cold, but I have. This -8 business is bullroar!

J can't come up for Christmas because of work, and I really miss him. But I took a 15 minute shower yesterday and don't regret one minute. I also made dinner, in an oven, yesterday! And then, we used a dishwasher! I've enjoyed my time here so far- Sunday I took my nephews to the buildabear workshop, and they loved it. M got a cat he named kitkat, and C got a horse he named neigh. But C is only 2, so by the time we got to the car, the name changed to bo-something. After going to three stores and the mall with my sister, I told her I loved her but I don't want 2 kids. I was just kidding, but we did push it with a full day of shopping. I forgot how your agenda disappears when kids are there. Not that its bad, but I wasn't equipped to think fast on my feet, so I need to go back eventually and finish xmas shopping. alone.

My books arrived last night. Because of the storms and high mail, the postal service has late night delivery here. I had used the misssing books as the excuse to not work, but today I am back on the horse. sigh. I can't help but be distracted because as soon as I got home, my grandma started dying. My uncles are there, and already planned the funeral, but she's still hanging on. She is the energizer bunny. She's my dad's mom, my smart, pro-education, pro-travel, pro-independence grandma. I didn't really believe my family when they started saying she was on the last of the last, because she's been there before. But she is 94, and she has decided to die. When she puts her mind to something, by god it gets done.

I've had opportunities to call and have the phone put to her ear, so I can say something to her, but I haven't. I think she's too lost in her dreams to know my voice. But with all the travel decisions, I have an opportunity to go out west to see her early, on thursday instead of waiting for news of a funeral. But J might actually get to come and depending on HOW he gets here, I need to be at my mom's for that. But I was thinking about it, and realized that I think I also just don't know how to be around a dying person. Or maybe its because I DO know how to be around them. I watched my Dad die, and ever since I have avoided dying people. Either see them early to say good bye, or wait till the end. So maybe I don't want to go early because of my 'phobia'.

Did you know that funeral homes can keep bodies for varying lengths of time before services, depending on the age and state of the body? Apparently, my grandma's estimate is 5 days. I find it very odd to know that. Then again, when I was 13 I went with my parents to pick out my father's casket. While the adults were making decisions in the office, I played tag with my sister in the casket room. That's very odd too.

My soon-to-be-ex brother in law wants to travel with us to a funeral. THAT's been a big issue between my sisters and mom and I. It will come down to my telling Kevin-the-cheating-bastard he would probably NOT want to ride in a car with me and my lil sister for 8 hours. The boys will be in the car, but I know it will be stressful, and the trip would eventually feature a confrontation between him and any number of my cousins and sister and I. Explanations need to be had!

And then there's J. I miss him very much. I thought that since we haven't really been together since September, one more month wouldn't be too hard. But it is! And now I feel bad because he wasn't supposed to travel the week of christmas. But it looks like a funeral will be early next week (the 5 day body rule allows my uncles to schedule it at a more convenient time) and if he comes up, it will be like traveling anyways. Our only problem, as always, is money. We may still be able to use frequent flier miles to get him here, but the closer to the holiday it is, we won't. And he's threatened to drive, but if he drives up, then it would make sense for me to ride back with him, since I only bought a one way ticket up here. On top of that, he didn't get a paycheck last week because of computer error. Supposedly he'll get paid double this week, but we can't make ANY plans until we have cash in the bank. I really want him to come, but again, it might not happen. Stupid computers.