My attempt at 15 minutes of fame a night hasn't worked. Too much work. Oh well.
I'm exhausted this week-- from waiting and scheduling and stressing and packing. My dear uncle sent me some boxes, which have helped. I did spend the past three days cleaning out the office. I'm sad to say that I did, indeed, throwout the essays written for Dr. Z's Am. Lit seminar of 2002. But seriously, I'm a 'brit' person now, so no need for it right?
We are in limbo about J's surgery. A finance rep called monday and said we had to pay 4500 upfront for the surgery, no payment plan offered. Motha(*&)&$%^(*&$#$^&*!!! I lost it Monday, with all the stress. Seriously, what is the most stressful is my Diss and Chair. We will meet tomorrow and I need to be blunt, keep my cajones and ask her if she plans on punishing me via another unsatisfactory this summer, or if she will threaten to ditch me again-- This is the core of my stress and fear. If I knew she was not going to leave me, I'd be much happier I think-- or not. After all, who's really happy dissertating?
So I don't know if there will be surgery. The accounting rep has ducked our calls since Tuesday. J put our 'case' to her and she said she'd look into it. But will this happen? Will a nurse call tomorrow with pre-op instructions? Should I be making my house post-surgery ready (change the sheets at least)? I hate, hate, hate that we may have to make a health decision based on cost. But surely, we are not the only people who need a surgery and don't have 4500 bucks!
I need a valium. Actually, what I need more is 8 uninterrupted hours of writing!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
blowin in the wind
We've had some stressful moments in the past week. If my brain was a parfait, or trifle (hey, sometimes this is the best analogy), the first level of worry is my diss.
level one descending- Coolwhip
I wanted to have a complete chapter done by July 31st, and I was supposed to send roughly half to my Chair by July 6th. I think 9 pages doesn't count- it doesn't feel like a completed thought yet at least.
level two- red jello
J has been bedridden for the past 4 days, and it's too similar to when he got hurt 2.5 years ago. This is very depressing and I feel bad, because J can tell and has constantly apologized. I know he can't get up and get his own lunch or dinner, but I still kind of resent him for needing me to make up trays of food and help him to the bathroom. I also don't want him to see this emotion on my face but what can I say, I'm an open book.
The good/bad news is that we just went to the neurologist yesterday. J will have surgery next Friday. We finally have a solution! But, he will be out of work for almost a month. We can make August on my paycheck, but I have to call some credit card companies to negotiate paying late. He also can't lift anything weighing more than ten pounds, but can go back to hosting at work possibly by 10th, but I need to be sure the door to hold open at work doesn't weigh more than that. This is one time when seriously people, open your own damn door. Then again, at least it'll be a paycheck that pays for health insurance!
Yeah that's the other part. J's cap on his insurance is 3,000. We've spent 1,000 already on this back. I'm going to have to go negotiate a payment plan with the hospital before they'll do the surgery. Yeay.
Level three- different color jello
We will be moving at some point before the 15th. I have to pack our belongings into two units-- that stuff that goes into a storage unit (almost all) and that stuff that goes to the house we are moving into. Financially, this is good because we plan on leaving small town for Big town in December or January, and will not pay rent to J's Grandma (her house). Emotionally, I'm moving farther into the 'family' space and had to clarify boundaries on CAD popping over with her dog. So this level of worry is about having time to pack, and boxes.
Level four- this metaphor is too tired
No one has really lived in this house for over 2 years. It's in a bad condition, and worse- cluttered with junk that no one properly stored. Dust hangs in threads from everything. Mold is on old wallpaper and the ceilings. One toilet works in one bathroom, and the shower in another. A new water heater is needed for that too (no hot water yet). We can't use the kitchen. Basically we will camp. But the worry here is that I have to clean it.
My MIL and CAD have started going through the stuff, which is stressful enough. We have to say things a certain way so as not to flip out CAD. Personally I don't care. She needs some tough love, the leech. And once I move in, if I see junk being stored (think plastic pickle jars from the 80s) I will toss it. Along with the wallpaper. There are power issues and she would throw a tantrum about stuff. So literally, we will not mention the 1960s era wall paper, that practically is coming down on its own, that I will rip off. But I have to do the cleaning myself! Time is very precious, as I'm working on summer school and the diss!
On one hand, I'd rather clean myself, so I can do it 'right'. ha ha the words of a control addict? maybe. I think when it comes to a healthy clean environment, I get to demand that.
Level Next- I lost count
I have to figure out moving. As J can't do anything but pack and carry toilet paper, I have to figure out movers for our furniture. I'm going to start taking stuff to storage at the start of August, but inevitably I have furniture I can't lift myself. So I've figured that we need one day to move most everything to storage (with help), one day to move everything to the house (clothing, a refrig. swap and coffee table/tv stand) and to MIL house (she's getting our big TV and couches), and many days to pack up. This all has to happen aroung graduation, when my friends are busy and when moving companies are busy. So as you can see, scheduling needs to work out.
I also have to find manpower, a truck, and a way to pay them. This leads to the next problem
Screw the damn level
I don't have any money to pay movers or rent a truck. We have no credit, not even to get an emergency loan from school (cause i'm paying back one from last year). We've borrowed money from family, and if I can do the math right, and delay some bills (like just pay electricity late) then we have enough to make it. How is it that this 4 room duplex costs 320 for utilities, but the House, on level payment plan, will cost us 180? It has 9 rooms! Anyway, its nervewracking to count pennies, but I know that we can make it if I'm vigilant.
I just need time to plan this all out, and I KNOW I will make it happen. Surprisingly, I haven't freaked out (too bad) yet. I have decided to take more time for myself, and to be unbending on how much time I get each day to work on the diss. I will not sacrifice it for my summer 2 course, or for this cleaning and moving. That stuff will fall in place. I'm also going to try to write atleast 15 minutes a day, in an effort to unload my frsutrations before I deal with J. It's not fair. I will also notice one good thing a day.
today's good thing: on vicodin, J can do the dishes! Yeay for this week!
level one descending- Coolwhip
I wanted to have a complete chapter done by July 31st, and I was supposed to send roughly half to my Chair by July 6th. I think 9 pages doesn't count- it doesn't feel like a completed thought yet at least.
level two- red jello
J has been bedridden for the past 4 days, and it's too similar to when he got hurt 2.5 years ago. This is very depressing and I feel bad, because J can tell and has constantly apologized. I know he can't get up and get his own lunch or dinner, but I still kind of resent him for needing me to make up trays of food and help him to the bathroom. I also don't want him to see this emotion on my face but what can I say, I'm an open book.
The good/bad news is that we just went to the neurologist yesterday. J will have surgery next Friday. We finally have a solution! But, he will be out of work for almost a month. We can make August on my paycheck, but I have to call some credit card companies to negotiate paying late. He also can't lift anything weighing more than ten pounds, but can go back to hosting at work possibly by 10th, but I need to be sure the door to hold open at work doesn't weigh more than that. This is one time when seriously people, open your own damn door. Then again, at least it'll be a paycheck that pays for health insurance!
Yeah that's the other part. J's cap on his insurance is 3,000. We've spent 1,000 already on this back. I'm going to have to go negotiate a payment plan with the hospital before they'll do the surgery. Yeay.
Level three- different color jello
We will be moving at some point before the 15th. I have to pack our belongings into two units-- that stuff that goes into a storage unit (almost all) and that stuff that goes to the house we are moving into. Financially, this is good because we plan on leaving small town for Big town in December or January, and will not pay rent to J's Grandma (her house). Emotionally, I'm moving farther into the 'family' space and had to clarify boundaries on CAD popping over with her dog. So this level of worry is about having time to pack, and boxes.
Level four- this metaphor is too tired
No one has really lived in this house for over 2 years. It's in a bad condition, and worse- cluttered with junk that no one properly stored. Dust hangs in threads from everything. Mold is on old wallpaper and the ceilings. One toilet works in one bathroom, and the shower in another. A new water heater is needed for that too (no hot water yet). We can't use the kitchen. Basically we will camp. But the worry here is that I have to clean it.
My MIL and CAD have started going through the stuff, which is stressful enough. We have to say things a certain way so as not to flip out CAD. Personally I don't care. She needs some tough love, the leech. And once I move in, if I see junk being stored (think plastic pickle jars from the 80s) I will toss it. Along with the wallpaper. There are power issues and she would throw a tantrum about stuff. So literally, we will not mention the 1960s era wall paper, that practically is coming down on its own, that I will rip off. But I have to do the cleaning myself! Time is very precious, as I'm working on summer school and the diss!
On one hand, I'd rather clean myself, so I can do it 'right'. ha ha the words of a control addict? maybe. I think when it comes to a healthy clean environment, I get to demand that.
Level Next- I lost count
I have to figure out moving. As J can't do anything but pack and carry toilet paper, I have to figure out movers for our furniture. I'm going to start taking stuff to storage at the start of August, but inevitably I have furniture I can't lift myself. So I've figured that we need one day to move most everything to storage (with help), one day to move everything to the house (clothing, a refrig. swap and coffee table/tv stand) and to MIL house (she's getting our big TV and couches), and many days to pack up. This all has to happen aroung graduation, when my friends are busy and when moving companies are busy. So as you can see, scheduling needs to work out.
I also have to find manpower, a truck, and a way to pay them. This leads to the next problem
Screw the damn level
I don't have any money to pay movers or rent a truck. We have no credit, not even to get an emergency loan from school (cause i'm paying back one from last year). We've borrowed money from family, and if I can do the math right, and delay some bills (like just pay electricity late) then we have enough to make it. How is it that this 4 room duplex costs 320 for utilities, but the House, on level payment plan, will cost us 180? It has 9 rooms! Anyway, its nervewracking to count pennies, but I know that we can make it if I'm vigilant.
I just need time to plan this all out, and I KNOW I will make it happen. Surprisingly, I haven't freaked out (too bad) yet. I have decided to take more time for myself, and to be unbending on how much time I get each day to work on the diss. I will not sacrifice it for my summer 2 course, or for this cleaning and moving. That stuff will fall in place. I'm also going to try to write atleast 15 minutes a day, in an effort to unload my frsutrations before I deal with J. It's not fair. I will also notice one good thing a day.
today's good thing: on vicodin, J can do the dishes! Yeay for this week!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
