I'm done

I would like to announce that I'm Done.

I'm Done feeling sorry for myself because we're broke. I'm done flaking on my friends-- instead of ditching yoga for Bingo (I did, really! we didn't win) I will just admit that I'm frustrated about cancelling my Golds membership soon, because we pay 54 a month for my two times a week at yoga. J has a sweet deal--- his membership is 19 a month, but he hasn't worked out in a year. So that means I spent 240 bucks on nothing last year. I will admit that I'm afraid that we can't have a honeymoon because we can't buy plane tickets. I will admit that I was a stupid, compulsive buyer who signed up for a freaking discount time share, and now I'm stuck paying the money on it.

I'm Done waffling about my dissertation. I need to clarify my terms in use, and get on with it. I need to bullshit a conclusion. I 'concluded' my argument, and summarized my main points. Can't I be done with it?

I thought after we got married, we'd have more money. How naive! I finally got through to J, and explained on paper why I freak out about money--- I showed him our budget, and how he fits into it. So he's been working hard ever since. He finally GOT what I was pissy about. I shoulda shown him the numbers a long time ago! And yes, he's growing up. I guess you could say I finally convinced him that I'm right about certain issues. I was really proud when we had a conversation about going out late in the middle of the week (I just can't see past that), and he identified WHY he used to do that (frustration with job) and that he can't do that anymore because he is a different man now. Now that we know the why, its easier to find a different outlet, one that doesn't require money, and doesn't piss me off or involve drinking so much.

And sometimes, I just have to admit I want my daddy. When he was dying, my dad made a video for us, and in my video he told me that my friends like to ask for advice, but I should be careful not to give advice about experience I didn't have. He also tried to warn me that I should wait for the right guy, and not date the bad ones. But he never gave any advice about being married. I don't think he could concieve of me getting married. I mean, I was only 13. But I wish I could get his opinion-- or at least watch his examples of interacting with my mom. I just wish he was here, so I could ask for his advice or not--- I just wish I had the choice.

So I was going through some boxes to put away (I need room in the office to work), and I found a framed print of Goya's. This is a picture that one of my grandmother's friends had bought in Spain, and had shipped back to the states in the 30s/40s. I'm sure its just a poster that was framed, but it's kinda cool to know I have a poster from the 30s/40s, by Goya.

Men..................

Despite being sick, I met with Diss committee chair and gave her what I believe to be the second to last draft of my proposal before we send it to the rest of the committee. Here's hoping!

Also, I forgot to mention that the article is happening! It'll be out this winter, and I'll have my first publication that doesn't involve creative writing! Although, I'm a pretty awesome poet I must say. I have my shiznit together in that area. I better, with two degrees in it!

Real Simple: New Uses for Old Things

I thought I spilled water on my ankle, until I realized I wasn't drinking water. And when I shook my leg, this cold band around my ankle slid out, and stared while I screamed bloody murder.










He climbed back through the hole he came in through (I hope).
My husband searched for a way to plug the hole.
When he came back from the kitchen he said,
"See, who knew a Snowman could save your life?"


I need a new wine stopper.

CAD

I've decided that I need to vent out a little, in order to let go of issues. Besides, CAD provides us with amusement. you see, Crazy Aunt D likes to tell me I'm fat.

It's never in a straight manner, and its always a few minutes until I say to myself, 'No she just didn't!'

It started when CAD, who is obese and from family reports has been obese since high school (40 something now), told me that I needed to lose weight before I have a baby. This was months before the wedding, and she was using the advice as a vehicle to share that she was a size 4 when she got pregnant with her now-21-yr-old son. needless to say, my MIL dropped what she was holding in the neighboring room and J had to help her keep from saying anything.

I let it go, because really, how do you handle a relative stranger who calls you fat?

Then, at the wedding, she came into my dressing room minutes before the ceremony to say, with tears in her eyes
"no matter what anyone says, you are beautiful and the dress fits you perfectly."

I said, I know I'm gorgeous, and now i need to put on my lipstick. yeay me. I didn't realize till later that she was saying i was fat.


There have been other snide remarks I never notice till its too late, but this weekend takes the cake. We took the family to lunch, and in the middle of it, CAD asks me my size. I ignore her and chat with J. But she stares expectantly and asks again. So I say, I wear 1x. Then I turn away and ignore her. She doesn't give up. She says, she's been losing weight (because she can see it in her shoulders?!?!) and she has all these clothes........

I said, I'm fine thank you, no I don't want more things in my house. I'm trying to simplify. (i was trying to be nice)

She pushes the issue, and says, what is a 1x, because you look.....

I interrupt and say 1x is 16-18 and I don't want any more clothes.

She pushes and pushes and says, well this is one of the shirts, its a 24....

I interrupt and say, that would never fit me, and then I get up and say its time to go.

I was trying to avoid saying I don't want her dowdy old too large clothes. SHE wanted to point out that she thought she was skinnier than me!

NOT MEDICALLY POSSIBLE!

We went back to the house for a birthday cake (for grandma) and CAD proceeds to say, with a huge forkful of cheesecake in her mouth, that her doctor told her to apply for medicare for her diabetes medicine.

I can't say anymore right now. Its starting to sound to outrageous!