Unknown #5

J's regional boss came in today to check up on his progress for management training. She wants him done, which means she might already have a spot ready for him. I'm hoping this holds, because in this economy, you never know who's going down next.

Unknown #4 (for yesterday)

The week is running away from me. I can't keep up with my new plan to post 1 thing a day. I think I've decided to take the weekends off. So there.

#4. I signed up for juicyjuice's website so I could get a free sippy cup for Didder, who I used to sit for. I have no children of my own, but I'm still recieving emails that suggest I do.

Unknown #3 (for yesterday)

I've decided that this dissertation must be approached like swimming with fish is (for me): I am severely afraid of what I cannot see underwater. I say it's jelly fish that I'm afraid of, because you can't predict a brainless being's movements. But really, it's anything. The truest panic attack I ever had was the day I climbed my friend like a ladder trying to get out of the ocean (with no ground to go to).

The point is, I'm so afraid of swimming in places that other things live, that it drives me to actually creating tense moments. I stupidly choose to keep proving to myself that my anxiety will not get the best of me. That's how I ended up almost drowning Devon in Malaysia, and why I jumped into the middle of a swarm (is that the word?) of jellyfish off of Capri. That day, I was so keyed up that I didn't even feel the stings until about 5 minutes after the adrenaline stopped pounding in my ears. And no, peeing on it doesn't help.

So, writing this dissertation must be approached in the similar way. I will think of it as the second stage of anxiety.

The first is "I'm going to be the first one off the boat since i'm afraid to do it".

The second is "I jumped-- don't look down don't look down! Focus, ignore whatever just touched you- don't think ahead don't look down swim swim keep going forward, don't think about the past or the present, just stay on TOP of the wave of anxiety!"

The Third is, "why did I do that?! And the wave of anxiety CRASHES down, stops your breathing, makes you scream and look like a baby as your try to pull your body back onto a boat with no ladder and laughing italian boatmen who won't give you the ladder because, really its not that bad".

So, the second is where i will try to be-- in the moment where I pretend that there are no sharks near me, and the burning smell in my nose is ok, that smell of acrid ammonia before you pass out but it makes your senses sharper. I will do this anyways.

Unknown info about me #1 and #2

#1 I feel foolish and excited and happy and disappointed and awake. I spent this weekend in an all-consuming Read, the kind when you read a book, and right before the bookstore closes, dash off to buy #2. It's the kind of Read when you absentmindedly find yourself sitting in all the rooms of your home looking for the best light on the page. It's surprising how comfortable the bathroom floor can be.

I read all the Twilight books this weekend. Straight through. The kitchen and laundry look like it too. Neglected.

I see some value in these stories, but was not that impressed-- it was even more fun knowing that I was reading not just non-research related material, frivolous storylines, but that I don't think they were particularly well-written. It's even more sinful (in such a good way) to waste a weekend reading not-that-great writing. Because I CAN DO THAT. I mean, I can write that. It made me happy, to give myself over to the Read, and to follow it through the three trips to the store to get the next book, and the lack of housework, and the husband who was ok with it (he was sick).


#2. I think I have a clock. I noticed how cute the kids are next to starbucks (at daycare) this morning. I usually see them, but it was different. I've always thought the kids I know-- my beautiful nephews and Didder and my friends' kids were very cute. But today, I thought stranger's kids were cute! Mentally, I want a kid. But I think, today, I physically wanted to have a child?