Unknown #3 (for yesterday)

I've decided that this dissertation must be approached like swimming with fish is (for me): I am severely afraid of what I cannot see underwater. I say it's jelly fish that I'm afraid of, because you can't predict a brainless being's movements. But really, it's anything. The truest panic attack I ever had was the day I climbed my friend like a ladder trying to get out of the ocean (with no ground to go to).

The point is, I'm so afraid of swimming in places that other things live, that it drives me to actually creating tense moments. I stupidly choose to keep proving to myself that my anxiety will not get the best of me. That's how I ended up almost drowning Devon in Malaysia, and why I jumped into the middle of a swarm (is that the word?) of jellyfish off of Capri. That day, I was so keyed up that I didn't even feel the stings until about 5 minutes after the adrenaline stopped pounding in my ears. And no, peeing on it doesn't help.

So, writing this dissertation must be approached in the similar way. I will think of it as the second stage of anxiety.

The first is "I'm going to be the first one off the boat since i'm afraid to do it".

The second is "I jumped-- don't look down don't look down! Focus, ignore whatever just touched you- don't think ahead don't look down swim swim keep going forward, don't think about the past or the present, just stay on TOP of the wave of anxiety!"

The Third is, "why did I do that?! And the wave of anxiety CRASHES down, stops your breathing, makes you scream and look like a baby as your try to pull your body back onto a boat with no ladder and laughing italian boatmen who won't give you the ladder because, really its not that bad".

So, the second is where i will try to be-- in the moment where I pretend that there are no sharks near me, and the burning smell in my nose is ok, that smell of acrid ammonia before you pass out but it makes your senses sharper. I will do this anyways.