I just also gotta pause and note that today's is my parent's wedding anniversary. They would have been married almost 40 years. He died March 25, 1993. On a Thursday. I went to state history day the next day.

I know that I am avoiding my work right now, but I have been working since 11am. , so I should deserve a break.

Spring Break:
I drove home with J last week to see my ailing grandma. On the positive, she is healthy enough to last awhile, as long as she doesn't get sick. On the negative, she's now in the alziehmers ward. This is the most depressing place on earth, for her. Looking at all the medicated heads bobbing in wheelchairs, I sense an odd happiness, because I know they are all probably lost in the memories of their youth and happy. But for my grandma, she doesn't have many people to talk to. Yes, she has dementia, but not full blown alzeihmers.

It's horrible to think that my grandma is slipping away.

There were many interesting stories that my crazy aunt T had filled her head with, and I had to set my grandma straight on a few things ( no, my mom didn't steal your diamonds, that was aunt T; No, my dad died before i got married- 16 years beforehand; etc). I had not the heart to remind her my grandpa died 2 years ago. Why remind her of sadness?

Anyways, I saw her for a few hours, then bawled my eyes out on the way east to see the family. My mom is doing better (she's a bit of the woman scorned these days) and so are my sister's family (they had a 'marraige maintenance weekend' in vegas. bullocks for them!) My nephews are as cute as can be. And I did share one unasked for opinion, even though I did point out that they have 8 candy bars in the fridge that that's horrible. Full sized ones!

-- backstory: my sister and I grew up with healthy snacks and one soda a day. Now she uses all kinds of candy as a reward. Food as a reward sends the wrong signal. It started out ok because my first nephew was underweight and they needed him to eat. Now he's just picky (normal kid) and eats alot of chocolate between meals. erg. I will not say anything!

Back home, my dissertation is frying. I actually have about 15 pages of an intro, and will have a second revision of that (expanded) for wednesday.
--------- pause-------------------- (i have to go to yoga, keeping with my new stress plan!)

Stress Reduction Plan

Apparently I did a very normal thing. I went with J to his workplace, and shared with a friend of ours my stress and new stress plan. Apparently, when I JOKE and say I need "more wine more massage more yoga and more sex" it implies that my husband, his coworker, cannot satisfy me. I totally didn't mean that! I was just being funny, and implying that yes, sex is considered a stress reliever. I wasn't implying J's manhood was incapable!

Sigh. I think its kinda funny, actually.

Lucky #13

It is just my luck that I got sick this weekend. And even worse, I got sick because I was so stressed. I need to find a way to chill out. I was upset that I gave my diss. chair a section of a chapter on friday, and it wasn't my best work. Well, then I ended up vomiting after a nightmare on saturday night. And I've slowly come to acknowledge that the heart palpitations, irritability, crying, and crankiness are real, and I need to do something about it. I was ignoring this idea of stress, because I was internalizing it (read: made myself sick). Well, I guess I shouldn't internalize. So I have two options.

Plan A: This is the fall-back plan. I go back on zoloft.

Plan B: More wine
Massages
More yoga
J does more housework so I can't use it as an excuse

We already began on Plan B.