April Showers Bring May Flowers

I had such a wonderful time this weekend at the bridal shower. It was nice to be with friends, and know that when I tried to start being a bit analytical about the whole ritualized life passage performed by women in our society--- when I started sounding awkward--- my friends didn't mind. I didn't make sense, but I had tried to say something similar up at the Mom's-Friends-Shower up north, and came off as weird.....

What I was/am trying to say is that I never, ever played house like other little girls. We played 'high school' or 'high power fashion editor in New York' or 'Your Birth Mother finally found you and she's a famous model who's sorry' (it sounds a bit sad but it was exciting for my friend M, thanks for such an imagination!).

In this past year, I've come to grapple with a lot of attitudes and opinions that I find I had picked up from, well, bitter people or a desire to prove that there doesn't have to be a 'standard' lifestyle. Such as, the first time my mom cooed about the possibility of my having children I suggested maybe I wouldn't, that it was my choice and maybe I didn't want to. It was important to me to stand up for the other point of view, that I never got to consider maybe I actually wanted children. And then I dated and hung out with people who were bitter and called others 'breeders' and 'corruptors of our world,' people who scorned and were openly hostile (just enough to make it known) to people who, say, brought children to a restaurant or concert.

I never wanted to seem too girly, or too female, or too-- much. Because I wanted my family and society to know that it shouldn't be assumed that every woman would grow up, get married, make babies and stay home, or have jobs that reflect mommy hood.

Let's face it, I was a tomboy, daddy's little girl, the holder-together of the family. I couldn't be too 'feminine' or 'emotional' or 'soft' growing up, so of course I am weirded out by female rituals. But beyond all these OLD notions, and attitudes I've been stressing over this past year, there is one true fact: I want all these female rituals. I want kids, but I have a hard time getting used to that idea-- it's been almost 2 years of me saying, 'all right yes, i want them someday' and every time I say it, I check myself because its such a big deal to me to say.

Anyway, this weekend was a beautiful shower, and (now I'm starting to tear up, how 'female' of me ha ha!) it was so striking, to be surrounded by friends--- yes, the materialism of it does weird me out a bit-- people watching me open presents-- but what I tried to say at the shower I meant-- all these women gather together to help build my future home, yes; but more importantly, to help me transfer from one role to another, to 'change my sign (or is it signifier?)' a little bit, before it changes ultimately in August, perhaps to help ME acclimate to the change. It all seems so very real now. You were there, you witnessed it, it's really going to happen.

I'm really going to get married!