Good Morning Stress!

Last night I really enjoyed myself, SATC movie and cocktails at a restuarant I hadn't been to yet, and still home before the 'dark hours' of the morning. J is away on an impromptu bachelor camping party. He woke me up at 730am this morning to say hello, and tell me about his night.

He then proceeded to talk about wedding stuff. He is camping with the Best Man. The BM asked that instead of a free hotel room for two nights, if we could just give him cash. Now, I understand-- really, I do--- the price of travel. And I understand that if the BM is able to get a free hotel room at the same hotel, then it's an alright plan to give him cash towards plane tickets instead. That's logical.

But I felt bad because I recently denied someone else that similar strategy for stretching a buck--- because--- this is the really really important reason--- we are collecting the hotel reward points to use for a honeymoon (because we can't afford one right now anyways). And if we don't pay for hotel rooms, then there are no points. And we would have to pay for housing not just for the wedding party NOW but ourselves later. In fact, most of our money is going to that hotel.

But as Carrie said last night, sometimes decisions are made with emotions, not logic. I kinda freaked out, and this is why...

I feel like I screwed up, and nobody wants to come to my wedding, and I expect too much of people, and nobody really likes me anyways.

This whole hotel thing is so frustrating, I'm even starting to cry again now! Northern Wedding Town is big, and the 3 closest hotels to the church and reception didn't give amazing prices, because they don't need the business that bad. So it's $99 a night, but it's a Hilton. I feel like everyone thinks I chose the wrong hotel-- And I know that it's VERY logical reasons for the BM to ask for cash instead, because their plane tickets cost them $890 dollars, and he does have a free stay available to him. And J arranged for another friend of his to take over the old reservation, pay us cash directly, so we can still get the Hilton Points, which makes the honeymoon still possible.

But beyond that, the groom's family isn't even staying at the hotel. They're staying at a La Quinta to save money, because they are paying for 12-14 nights at the 'fancy' hotel for other people, but don't want to splurge on themselves. So I chose the wrong thing.

And THEN, MOG is still a little miffed because our invitations say "WE, along with our parents" rather than name our mothers directly, because HELLO I'm almost 29 and I"M PAYING FOR MOST OF IT, and since my fiance has a different last name than MOG, her family and friends won't know who he is, when they get the invite in the mail (NOT MY PROBLEM) . She's made sure she figured out how to solve that problem- by writing everyone letters and explaining my invitation before it shows up. As if she has to apologize for my error.

AND I HAVE RECEIVED THREE ADDRESSES FROM HER TO DATE. I asked for addresses A YEAR AGO. I feel like she doesn't think our actual ceremony is as important as the little reception she's throwing for us here in September.

I feel like nobody cares about us enough to want to come. I know that we all have our own agendas, and own problems, and own schedules and such. I know that the price of travel makes everything very difficult. But the fact of the matter is that none of J's friends have actually gone through with throwing him a bachelor party-- even the guys he's thrown ones for. This weekend, it's just a camping trip organized by the BM, and so J told him that it will have to serve this purpose. But none of the groomsmen have the time right now to do it, I get it. But J does not feel special whatsoever.

I have fabulous friends who threw me a very special bridal shower. I felt special. And I resigned myself to understanding that a bachelorette party was never really possible, that's why I kinda started organizing my own version for the thursday before the wedding, because my little sister who is MOH, more because she's family than because she's helpful or loving to me, doesn't really care. She hates the dress, is irritated that I'm asking her to fly home from her new schedule of grad school, and probably won't even care enough to get a gift.

I don't need a gift from her but really--- she stopped celebrating my birthday almost 8 years ago. The problem with my birthday, is that my birthday is 3 days before my dead father's birthday. So nobody really thinks about me, just him being gone. The last time I had a real birthday, with all my family, was the year before he died. I turned 13. For the next 6 years, my older sister was always on vacation with her best friend. And I'm not cool enough for the youngest. And my mom just gets a little too drunk and sad on my birthday anyways--- because I remind her of him, and of what's gone. It actually really hurts that my sister doesn't care about my birthday, and that she forgets it. I WAS BORN ON JULY 5th! I ALWAYS CELEBRATED ON THE 4th HOW CAN YOU FORGET THAT!

Now I'm freaking depressed about my stupid birthday. I never should have gone there. This post was about the wedding, and about how I feel. I know that I'm just stressed, and that all my feelings are not logically true. But it doesn't mean I don't feel them, and feel like I screwed up.