Good Morning Stress!

Last night I really enjoyed myself, SATC movie and cocktails at a restuarant I hadn't been to yet, and still home before the 'dark hours' of the morning. J is away on an impromptu bachelor camping party. He woke me up at 730am this morning to say hello, and tell me about his night.

He then proceeded to talk about wedding stuff. He is camping with the Best Man. The BM asked that instead of a free hotel room for two nights, if we could just give him cash. Now, I understand-- really, I do--- the price of travel. And I understand that if the BM is able to get a free hotel room at the same hotel, then it's an alright plan to give him cash towards plane tickets instead. That's logical.

But I felt bad because I recently denied someone else that similar strategy for stretching a buck--- because--- this is the really really important reason--- we are collecting the hotel reward points to use for a honeymoon (because we can't afford one right now anyways). And if we don't pay for hotel rooms, then there are no points. And we would have to pay for housing not just for the wedding party NOW but ourselves later. In fact, most of our money is going to that hotel.

But as Carrie said last night, sometimes decisions are made with emotions, not logic. I kinda freaked out, and this is why...

I feel like I screwed up, and nobody wants to come to my wedding, and I expect too much of people, and nobody really likes me anyways.

This whole hotel thing is so frustrating, I'm even starting to cry again now! Northern Wedding Town is big, and the 3 closest hotels to the church and reception didn't give amazing prices, because they don't need the business that bad. So it's $99 a night, but it's a Hilton. I feel like everyone thinks I chose the wrong hotel-- And I know that it's VERY logical reasons for the BM to ask for cash instead, because their plane tickets cost them $890 dollars, and he does have a free stay available to him. And J arranged for another friend of his to take over the old reservation, pay us cash directly, so we can still get the Hilton Points, which makes the honeymoon still possible.

But beyond that, the groom's family isn't even staying at the hotel. They're staying at a La Quinta to save money, because they are paying for 12-14 nights at the 'fancy' hotel for other people, but don't want to splurge on themselves. So I chose the wrong thing.

And THEN, MOG is still a little miffed because our invitations say "WE, along with our parents" rather than name our mothers directly, because HELLO I'm almost 29 and I"M PAYING FOR MOST OF IT, and since my fiance has a different last name than MOG, her family and friends won't know who he is, when they get the invite in the mail (NOT MY PROBLEM) . She's made sure she figured out how to solve that problem- by writing everyone letters and explaining my invitation before it shows up. As if she has to apologize for my error.

AND I HAVE RECEIVED THREE ADDRESSES FROM HER TO DATE. I asked for addresses A YEAR AGO. I feel like she doesn't think our actual ceremony is as important as the little reception she's throwing for us here in September.

I feel like nobody cares about us enough to want to come. I know that we all have our own agendas, and own problems, and own schedules and such. I know that the price of travel makes everything very difficult. But the fact of the matter is that none of J's friends have actually gone through with throwing him a bachelor party-- even the guys he's thrown ones for. This weekend, it's just a camping trip organized by the BM, and so J told him that it will have to serve this purpose. But none of the groomsmen have the time right now to do it, I get it. But J does not feel special whatsoever.

I have fabulous friends who threw me a very special bridal shower. I felt special. And I resigned myself to understanding that a bachelorette party was never really possible, that's why I kinda started organizing my own version for the thursday before the wedding, because my little sister who is MOH, more because she's family than because she's helpful or loving to me, doesn't really care. She hates the dress, is irritated that I'm asking her to fly home from her new schedule of grad school, and probably won't even care enough to get a gift.

I don't need a gift from her but really--- she stopped celebrating my birthday almost 8 years ago. The problem with my birthday, is that my birthday is 3 days before my dead father's birthday. So nobody really thinks about me, just him being gone. The last time I had a real birthday, with all my family, was the year before he died. I turned 13. For the next 6 years, my older sister was always on vacation with her best friend. And I'm not cool enough for the youngest. And my mom just gets a little too drunk and sad on my birthday anyways--- because I remind her of him, and of what's gone. It actually really hurts that my sister doesn't care about my birthday, and that she forgets it. I WAS BORN ON JULY 5th! I ALWAYS CELEBRATED ON THE 4th HOW CAN YOU FORGET THAT!

Now I'm freaking depressed about my stupid birthday. I never should have gone there. This post was about the wedding, and about how I feel. I know that I'm just stressed, and that all my feelings are not logically true. But it doesn't mean I don't feel them, and feel like I screwed up.

we won

Ta daa! I ventured back into the world of coed softball leagues tonight. We won! I played third base like I used to, and the best part (besides making a really good play for an out) was that the nervous butterflies almost went away in the last inning.

For some reason, I am kinda scared of softball. Ok, my sister hit me in the face with a bat when we were little. But that was a whiffle bat (it still hurt, and left little suction-cup circle marks on my face) and I was little. I still think that scarred me. So I was excited that I finally stopped being almost nervous.

Next week will be better.

5 x 5 (balance our your gripes)-

When it hails, there's tornados.

Five things that piss me off right now:

1. I screwed up my financial aid paperwork, and now my loan will be 1/2 what I though, and a week late.

2. Due to the lower loan, I have to cut out some wedding expenses AND ask my mom for help. I don't do well asking her for help with money. Sometime, ask me about how she sold my car to cover credit cards expenses when I left the country. She says I was running away, I said I had it all planned out, with minimum payments covered and everything, until I got back.

3. J earns $66 a day. In asking a raise, he has been forced to leave the place-- on principle. He works for Bif and his gang, who think that insulting a manager will make him stay.

4. My car is screwed up. we spent 236 on 2 tires wednesday. I need 2 more next month. AND brakes. AND a battery.

5. My desktop got a nasty virus, which I spent $150 'fixing' by wiping the harddrive, and as such, all programs and many files are gone, including WORD!. I can't find disks for that. I guess I will no longer type on that computer. Atleast I have a laptop.

6. I need to spend $100 on an external hard drive, so I don't have this happen again.

Five Good Things (must balance karma):

1. We are not angry about J's situation, just dissappointed in the stupidity of said owner. Apparently, when J gives word today, 3 servers, the bar manager, and 2 cooks will put in 2 weeks notice. They can get the same job elsewhere, and don't want to deal with BIF yelling at them without J to intercede. BIF and his gang will finally learn what they need to do to make a good restuarant, alone. (I Hope).

2. Wedding is two months away. If I think about the fun, its exciting. Otherwise, I'm kinda scared. I kinda want to hop on a plane and runaway for a weekend. It's not because of the wedding, I just want to run away from my life for a week, or so. Go 'find' the piece of my soul I left in Africa, and bring her home. Ok, well, I'd leave her there, but I want to go visit.

3. Syllabus is done for summer.

4. I feel hopeful about diss. proprosal.

5. Fancy Women's Studies Journal I was supposed to write article for last year, asked for the article again! (complications with J and life made it impossible for me to finish it last year) So hopefully, I can get a fancy schmancy publication in the fall!!!!!

Airplanes, boundaries, wedding weary

Well, after I look out the window, I must share my recent distress.

This government is after my happiness. Seriously! Trying to arrange travel for so many people to the wedding is disheartening. For some reason, plane tickets are $100 more than normal to my home city--- not just gas inflation, but up for some reason. And gas is climbing to $4 a gallon (though I doubt it will really go that high, but you never know), so driving north is harsh. I hate that we are asking so many people to travel to the wedding, because it costs so much.

And the last straw-- the Democratic Convention. My uncle the almost-general is involved in convention security. Depending on the type of battle to be waged on that stage, he may not be able to attend, and be a part of the wedding party. So seriously, Clinton step down! If you both go to the convention, I don't get my uncle!

Yes, I'm irrational and half-joking, but seriously! And yes, I voted for Obama, which Tom Hanks apparently did too, if you saw his dorky you-tube endorsement. I know Clinton believes this, and Obama believes that, yadda yadda. It all comes down to this-- the government is a slow moving glacier, and no one president and exert EXTREME change in 4 years. Hell, the next pres' first 4 will be spent dealing with the stupidity of Bush's last 4. But at the end of the day, I believe that Obama can bring small fundamental changes to this ailing democracy----- republic (and they are two diff things) and Clinton will not.

Obama is the closest thing to Jed Bartlett I've seen in a while. And you know, Deane wouldn't be that bad, except he's a sheeple and he won't change anything.

Things to Look UP For

A friend recently blogged about good news in her life, things to look forward to, and it made me realize that we all need to stop and take stock.

I was talking to my ex-stepfather on his birthday, who was having a really awful day (and on his 50th birthday!) and I said something that I used to say all the time. Is it cloudy today?

Seriously, is it cloudy today? If you don't know what is up in the sky, it means you have been so focused on looking down, or straight ahead, that you haven't stopped to look at the blue sky. There's two real reasons for pausing to look up.

1. Looking at the sky reminds us to dream, to look for shapes in the clouds, to look outside our present situations.
2. If you have been looking down at work or straining at a computer screen, you need the opposite stretch for your neck, to look up and back, or you'll get stiff.

So is it cloudy today?

I made the mistake of looking up those online student-rate-the-prof sites. I've never seen a negative one of me, just the standard, normal complaint that essays aren't handed back fast enough. I'm bummed and I know I shouldn't read those or pay attention to them.

bargainist.com

Yes, I've added an widget on my page. This is my secret indulgence, and I love it. The website is called Bargainist.com and its a compilation of many offers, coupon codes, and freebies out there, every day except weekends. I've actually gotten great deals from this site.