Oral exams

I Passed.

what next

So I've been having some health complications, that I chalked up to stress before exams, but it's apparently more.

Monday, I have an 11am ultrasound for gallstones, and my oral exam at 230pm. This sucks. And I was going to drive home for the holidays on Tuesday. I have to plan 'just in case' I have to have surgery. Great. fantastic. super. ergh.

And J found out that he has 2 blown discs, and a slipped disc in his back. The chiropracter is pretty much in charge of treatment now, and he has to do disc decompression. If that doesn't work, a neurosurgeon will stick huge needles in his back. And if that doesn't work, they will have to remove part of his spinal stuff!

Reminder: ALWAYS SIGN UP FOR HEALTH INSURANCE!

I couldn't help but cry at J's appointment. I'm fine with my own crap, but my first thought was that it's selfish of me to ask our families to dish out so much money for a wedding. And the responsibile thing to do would be to postpone the wedding, or have a very small, private wedding-combined-honeymoon. I didn't want to say anything until we were out of the office, because I desperately was fighting the logical half of me--- knowing that it usually wins--- and I realized that it is really, really important to me to have this wedding, to have my friends there, my family there, a priest and a church and a party, etc.

Blame it on Saussuer. I'm changing my signifier, and I need my collective public to agree to my new assignation. Plus, my dad died so early, that many people became a part of my life, and I want them there. And I want a church wedding. And a cake, and be back home. I didn't know how important it was to me, until I considered giving it up and doing a Sandals weddingmoon thing.

Of course, J disagreed, and said not to worry, that this was a little thing and we can have it all. Actually, he said, "Being adopted three times, and being returned twice is hard. Having your fifth birthday show up without your mother or your birthday cake is hard. Living alone when your 5 is hard. This is not hard. This will not end up in surgery."

I know he's right. And the thing is that this pain won't keep him from work much longer. He'll be able to do work stuff. He just needs these therapy sessions to help him in the long run.

Yesterday was just crappy. We're both broken. But at least I met my insurance deductible already.

Did you know that the word pumpernickel is believed to stem from Middle German and mean, roughly, "goblin that breaks wind"?

Oral exams next week

Finally heard back from the chair, and I know most people would say 'of course you passed' but as always, I doubted a little. Must now get my travel plans in order, in hopes that I can get home this year, in between ice storms, I hope.

The morning of the exam, last thursday, I couldn't help but stop in the computer lab and watch the online press conference at 930. (exam at 10). They were announcing victims names from the shooting and I had to know. I've always heard that the exams are very emotional--- you spend so much time, effort, energy, worry on this one 4 hour test, that people usually cry afterwards. Well, I couldn't help but cry before hand. And I'm quite proud of the fact that I actually provided satisfactory discussions despite being distracted. I am a bit worried on my answer concerning my interpretatation of Inderpal Grewal and Karen Caplan's article “Global Identities: Theorizing Transnational Studies of Sexuality”. GLQ 7:4 (2001): 663-679.

Must go study now.

Good note: we found a 'bigwheels' for my nephew's christmas present. You'd be surprised how many cheesy children's show-inspired trikes there are out there and yet, we only found 2 big wheels. I'm tempted to cut a hole in the tire and throw a rock in, so it'll sound just like the one my sisters and I had so long ago!

I also called my sis yesterday, and my nephew was on her shoulder (close to the phone) crying. She was trying to coax him with a bit of chocolate (he's been sick) and had no luck, so I talked to him, asked him what he was eating, and how nice that was, yadda yadda yadda. He started to get the siren whining cry started again, and I asked him if I could come over and play next week, he whined a 'yes' but didn't stop. Then I asked "Can J come play next week" and he immediately stopped crying and chirped "yes, O-K!"

My goodness, J hung out with him for less than a week this past summer--- and that's the reaction he gets! He hasn't seen J since August--- remember this kid isn't even 2 yet!

He did then tell me that he loved me and missed me and can't wait to see me and bring J with me. smart kid.

Westroads Mall

My exam is in 12 hours. I've spent the past few thinking about the shooting back home. I'm fortunate enough to have heard from my family, and despite holiday shopping plans, my ma didn't go to the mall today. I will not worry about this too much--- I can't. I need to focus on my notes. But I can't help but think about it. My ex-stepdad is involved with the trauma counseling, so he's somewhat in the 'know'.

I can't help but worry about all the people involved, all the victims, their families, the shooter's families.

And my god, he was in the children's dept. in front of the customer service area. He killed someone's grandpa, who was looking for presents. He shot parents. And he shot a few women in the head.

Please tell me gun laws will actually change. PLEASE.

My exam is at 10am Thursday. That means I have 3 days to study. and i know that everyone probably feels unprepared, but holy buckets!

I can't eat, I can't sleep well, I just have the nervous caffiene feeling all the time. And as soon as the test is done, I gotta get going on the wedding list crap! And I might be one pregnant bridesmaid down. Not that that's a bad thing, it's lovely and I want to be a godmother. But that requires logistical planning right now that I just do not have.