what next

So I've been having some health complications, that I chalked up to stress before exams, but it's apparently more.

Monday, I have an 11am ultrasound for gallstones, and my oral exam at 230pm. This sucks. And I was going to drive home for the holidays on Tuesday. I have to plan 'just in case' I have to have surgery. Great. fantastic. super. ergh.

And J found out that he has 2 blown discs, and a slipped disc in his back. The chiropracter is pretty much in charge of treatment now, and he has to do disc decompression. If that doesn't work, a neurosurgeon will stick huge needles in his back. And if that doesn't work, they will have to remove part of his spinal stuff!

Reminder: ALWAYS SIGN UP FOR HEALTH INSURANCE!

I couldn't help but cry at J's appointment. I'm fine with my own crap, but my first thought was that it's selfish of me to ask our families to dish out so much money for a wedding. And the responsibile thing to do would be to postpone the wedding, or have a very small, private wedding-combined-honeymoon. I didn't want to say anything until we were out of the office, because I desperately was fighting the logical half of me--- knowing that it usually wins--- and I realized that it is really, really important to me to have this wedding, to have my friends there, my family there, a priest and a church and a party, etc.

Blame it on Saussuer. I'm changing my signifier, and I need my collective public to agree to my new assignation. Plus, my dad died so early, that many people became a part of my life, and I want them there. And I want a church wedding. And a cake, and be back home. I didn't know how important it was to me, until I considered giving it up and doing a Sandals weddingmoon thing.

Of course, J disagreed, and said not to worry, that this was a little thing and we can have it all. Actually, he said, "Being adopted three times, and being returned twice is hard. Having your fifth birthday show up without your mother or your birthday cake is hard. Living alone when your 5 is hard. This is not hard. This will not end up in surgery."

I know he's right. And the thing is that this pain won't keep him from work much longer. He'll be able to do work stuff. He just needs these therapy sessions to help him in the long run.

Yesterday was just crappy. We're both broken. But at least I met my insurance deductible already.