Thanks to the genius of wedding websites--- which I apparently signed up for when I registered for a honeymoon giveaway, which no one ever wins and only gets me in with wedding junk mail... I've been reminded that the wedding is 5 months, 1 week, and 2 days away. And that I have 6 overdue tasks. I get two of these emails, from two different sites, weekly. It annoys me! At the same time, I kind of like that someone's counting down (so I don't have to).
I'm in the time period where I actually have to make my decisions now. sigh. Once you make a choice, then there's no room left to daydream. I don't buy wedding magazines anymore because I have a dress, and 95% of them are full of pictures of dresses. Actually, I never bought that many of them to begin with, cause I felt gyped that there weren't as many articles as I wanted. I don't care about stupid dresses--- you end up buying from the store you go to anyways, without regards to whatever 8,000 pictures you bring with you. I need advice on color schemes, cheap flowers, honeymoon ideas for poor grad students, etc. Grrr.
Anyways, I have to order the invitations. And I'm really annoyed about it. I have no 'list' from the MoG. She's having a party for us here, in Sept, which is wonderful and I greatly appreciate. But she has decided that she doesn't want to send wedding invitations to the people down here that she 'knows' won't be going to the wedding, and just give them reception cards for the sept. party. That means that the only people invited to the wedding, from J's side, is the bridal party. I finally got him to realize that his mom has decided to NOT invite anyone to his wedding, based on whether or not they are coming.
Here's the best logic: She doesn't want to send a ceremony invite (which will be out of state) to people she knows won't go. She does want to invite them to a reception in Sept. So I said that the invite isn't just an invite, but an announcement. So the right thing to do is send the invite, and then send an additional reception card, later, separately, that reads "no gifts please". She doesn't want to send the ceremony invite because she doesn't want to seem like we are asking for gifts from people we know won't go anyways. Following this logic, she has decided to send only a reception notice to 'her list' and say nothing of no gifts, because she wants us to have gifts. .... Isn't there a hypocrisy here?
If we send a notice, my way, we are saying that these people are invited to the wedding, regardless of where it is. If they choose to honor us with a gift, great, but there should be a line on the second reception card reading 'no gifts' because if someone wants to get a gift, they'll do whatever they want anyways. I don't care about the gifts. I don't like that we are now having 'my wedding' and 'his wedding', or atleast I'm starting to feel that way---- this second reception thing--- which I'm sure is not as big a deal as I think it is--- feels a bit of a repeat. She wants me to wear my dress again (no.).
Here's what I think is the underlying reason for the above issues: the invitations thing is based on the fact that I need names and addresses 6 months ago, and she doesn't have/hasn't made the time to compile a guest list. And the dress thing-- she wants to wear her dress, so if I wear mine, she can wear hers. I'm fine with these reasons, if they were just out in the open!
J is going to talk with his mom about the list, and I will not wear the dress-- she won't argue when I politely decline. J's mom is a great lady, and I really appreciate her. I just know that this is her only son, only wedding, and I don't want her to go off the deep end on making 'her reception'.
And I really, really, want my friends there so that I don't feel too far down the rabbit hole with strangers. I know J might have the same feelings about the ceremony, but at least he knows 50% of the guests already(friends in common and my family)!
Last note: I'm a dork. I bought a monogram embosser. It cost 28 $ and I'm going to use it to emboss our initials onto napkins, so I can just buy bulk colored napkins. And I can use it for programs, envelopes, etc. But mostly, I bought it for the napkins. How silly.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Marriage Therapy
It may have been a freudian slip, but for the past few weeks I had been calling Pre-Cana Engaged Encounter, 'therapy'. I meant counselling. It did feel a bit like detox--- all day in one room with like-minded people, all trying to hide similar details from the people in charge. I did actually learn something from it.
Lesson learned: try saying 'will you forgive me' instead of 'i'm sorry all the time' because most of the time its not about whether or not I feel bad for doing something wrong, it's whether or not you'll forgive me.
I also felt better about our abstinence. We've pretty much been chaste since we got engaged in December of 06. While it has been trying, and well, sometimes made easier by physical ailments and injuries, I'm proud of us now.
The night before, I had intimated to a friend, exactly how many times we had been physical in the last year. His response was worry on our behalf. I felt bad trying to explain it was partly timing, partly injuries, and mostly J liking the idea of waiting. It felt awkward to go from a group of people worrying about why we weren't having sex to a group that was worried we might be having sex. I was muddled before trying to explain it, because I didn't understand J's reasoning behind liking abstinence. He himself didn't really understand the reasons why, but after this 'therapy' we can talk about the reasons clearly, and I feel happier about that.
We also learned the Biggest Lesson of All (BLA for short). Our BLA, which involves 'the reason' we argue, is not that J hasn't grown up or whatever excuse I thought I had worked out. It's this: He doesn't involve me in decisions-- specific decisions, like making plans to go out after work, or inviting people over after work. He now knows that he has to ask me first, and we decide together, and vice versa, I realized that what bothers me is that he's not involving me in the decision. Usually, he'll come home from those nights afterward and say something like 'you were right' anyways. Last night was one case in point, and while I was really irritated about it all, I had to swallow it because I know he's being punished today--- 2 hours of sleep before work at 10am. I don't like to say I told you so, but he does it for me so I don't have to. It was last night that we discussed the BLA.
Back to Pre-Cana: We had been prepared by friends about the hostility we might find. Actually, there was only one mean lecture, and it was at the very end.... you know, don't sleep together, don't live together, and don't look at porn. If I thought it was feasible, sure I'd ask Jack to move out until the wedding. But it's not feasible, and I don't see that it would help our relationship. And while I am proud that we have abstained since engagement, I'm still saddened. You see, after hearing the reasons WHY J feels this way, there will be no giving it up before the wedding. sigh.
Oh, we also learned about Natural Family Planning. And we've discussed looking into that route. But more on that later. It's obviously a very big issue to think about.
Lesson learned: try saying 'will you forgive me' instead of 'i'm sorry all the time' because most of the time its not about whether or not I feel bad for doing something wrong, it's whether or not you'll forgive me.
I also felt better about our abstinence. We've pretty much been chaste since we got engaged in December of 06. While it has been trying, and well, sometimes made easier by physical ailments and injuries, I'm proud of us now.
The night before, I had intimated to a friend, exactly how many times we had been physical in the last year. His response was worry on our behalf. I felt bad trying to explain it was partly timing, partly injuries, and mostly J liking the idea of waiting. It felt awkward to go from a group of people worrying about why we weren't having sex to a group that was worried we might be having sex. I was muddled before trying to explain it, because I didn't understand J's reasoning behind liking abstinence. He himself didn't really understand the reasons why, but after this 'therapy' we can talk about the reasons clearly, and I feel happier about that.
We also learned the Biggest Lesson of All (BLA for short). Our BLA, which involves 'the reason' we argue, is not that J hasn't grown up or whatever excuse I thought I had worked out. It's this: He doesn't involve me in decisions-- specific decisions, like making plans to go out after work, or inviting people over after work. He now knows that he has to ask me first, and we decide together, and vice versa, I realized that what bothers me is that he's not involving me in the decision. Usually, he'll come home from those nights afterward and say something like 'you were right' anyways. Last night was one case in point, and while I was really irritated about it all, I had to swallow it because I know he's being punished today--- 2 hours of sleep before work at 10am. I don't like to say I told you so, but he does it for me so I don't have to. It was last night that we discussed the BLA.
Back to Pre-Cana: We had been prepared by friends about the hostility we might find. Actually, there was only one mean lecture, and it was at the very end.... you know, don't sleep together, don't live together, and don't look at porn. If I thought it was feasible, sure I'd ask Jack to move out until the wedding. But it's not feasible, and I don't see that it would help our relationship. And while I am proud that we have abstained since engagement, I'm still saddened. You see, after hearing the reasons WHY J feels this way, there will be no giving it up before the wedding. sigh.
Oh, we also learned about Natural Family Planning. And we've discussed looking into that route. But more on that later. It's obviously a very big issue to think about.
Friday, February 8, 2008
I grew a pair
So I reclaimed my assertive side yesterday, and emailed my Chair, told her I don't want to meet tomorrow (today) because I honestly have nothing important to say about my diss., and that I need some more time to think and read.
I must have wires crossed because I honestly was expecting her response to be chastising me. Obviously, it didn't. Very refreshing.
On that note, I have issues with anxiety, and used to take zoloft and then buspirone for it. I made the executive decision to stop taking medicine last spring. I know, I know, but I actually got through prelims-- I just embraced my inner anal-retentive self, allowing myself to fully exercise all my coping mechanisms. Anyway, I worked for 2 years to get over this fear of authority figures--- my catholic guilt issues perhaps--- of wanting to avoid at all possible any interactions with teachers (outside the classroom). It's like getting stage fright, only I'm anxious about a conversation in the hallway. Conversely, I love being onstage. I've gone so far as to accept that it's easier for me to fail utterfly in front of a faceless crowd, than to be held personally accountable for words. Literally, words. I've learned that I can't rationalize it, or explain it (believe me, I and a few doctors tried), I can just get over it.
Two years ago, it was a huge deal for me to go to a semester kick off cocktail party, because I had to chitchat with profs. I may have hid behind my fiancee a bit, but I went. And that's what I have to do, to get around it. When I notice that I've fallen back into the habit of walking in certain doors, down certain hallways, avoiding common areas, I have to force myself to risk a chance encounter.
So I'm very proud that I was honest in my email, instead of pretending to be sick, like I had been planning to pretend since Tuesday.
I must have wires crossed because I honestly was expecting her response to be chastising me. Obviously, it didn't. Very refreshing.
On that note, I have issues with anxiety, and used to take zoloft and then buspirone for it. I made the executive decision to stop taking medicine last spring. I know, I know, but I actually got through prelims-- I just embraced my inner anal-retentive self, allowing myself to fully exercise all my coping mechanisms. Anyway, I worked for 2 years to get over this fear of authority figures--- my catholic guilt issues perhaps--- of wanting to avoid at all possible any interactions with teachers (outside the classroom). It's like getting stage fright, only I'm anxious about a conversation in the hallway. Conversely, I love being onstage. I've gone so far as to accept that it's easier for me to fail utterfly in front of a faceless crowd, than to be held personally accountable for words. Literally, words. I've learned that I can't rationalize it, or explain it (believe me, I and a few doctors tried), I can just get over it.
Two years ago, it was a huge deal for me to go to a semester kick off cocktail party, because I had to chitchat with profs. I may have hid behind my fiancee a bit, but I went. And that's what I have to do, to get around it. When I notice that I've fallen back into the habit of walking in certain doors, down certain hallways, avoiding common areas, I have to force myself to risk a chance encounter.
So I'm very proud that I was honest in my email, instead of pretending to be sick, like I had been planning to pretend since Tuesday.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Cookies
One more post....
I have a rule that if your phone rings in class, you have to bring cookies to the next session. It's always worked well, and nobody has ever purposely turned their phone on for cookies. Out of 3 semesters with that rule, this is only the 2nd time it happened.
My student yesterday, who's phone rang last Thursday in class, came to class with fancy Mall cookies. But he was sick, so he came to drop off the cookies and a sick note and leave.
I have to say, it was a good move on his part. He'd skipped a class already, and the fancy cookies really got to me. It's so sad, a chocolate chip can sway me.
I have a rule that if your phone rings in class, you have to bring cookies to the next session. It's always worked well, and nobody has ever purposely turned their phone on for cookies. Out of 3 semesters with that rule, this is only the 2nd time it happened.
My student yesterday, who's phone rang last Thursday in class, came to class with fancy Mall cookies. But he was sick, so he came to drop off the cookies and a sick note and leave.
I have to say, it was a good move on his part. He'd skipped a class already, and the fancy cookies really got to me. It's so sad, a chocolate chip can sway me.
Hyde Post
We discovered two nights ago that the only professional sporting event in my home state will happen the same week as the wedding. So I have to hurry up and get some details done-- which is also tearing me away from research (not to mention the start of the evil head cold going around).
I am excited to have solved a dilemma. We had decided to have an open bar (to what $ amount, I'm not sure yet). And then I realized that the hotel is 8 minutes from Church. Church is 12 minutes from reception. Reception is 20 minutes from hotel. Open Bar + 20 min drive = maybe I should provide transportation.
The problem is, to rent a shuttle for that long (all day) would cost $800-950, and the low ball estimate from the yellow bus company was $750! I was not happy. Then it occurred to me to call my old university. I remembered from undergrad, that a friend had rented a university van to pick up family at the airport, and drive around over graduation weekend.
Believe it or not, they actually do rent shuttles-- to alumni. And it's for 1/3 the cost!!!! Now I have a shuttle for the guests, and bridal party, AND it'll have my beloved mascot on the side! Much better than Ollie the Trolley, I think.
That's the good news for the day.
I am excited to have solved a dilemma. We had decided to have an open bar (to what $ amount, I'm not sure yet). And then I realized that the hotel is 8 minutes from Church. Church is 12 minutes from reception. Reception is 20 minutes from hotel. Open Bar + 20 min drive = maybe I should provide transportation.
The problem is, to rent a shuttle for that long (all day) would cost $800-950, and the low ball estimate from the yellow bus company was $750! I was not happy. Then it occurred to me to call my old university. I remembered from undergrad, that a friend had rented a university van to pick up family at the airport, and drive around over graduation weekend.
Believe it or not, they actually do rent shuttles-- to alumni. And it's for 1/3 the cost!!!! Now I have a shuttle for the guests, and bridal party, AND it'll have my beloved mascot on the side! Much better than Ollie the Trolley, I think.
That's the good news for the day.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Laser Hair Removal
Laser Hair Removal
Let me explain.
I mentioned that I attended a bridal shower up north with J and my Ma. As you know, each booth has their own cheesy prize contest--- usually with prizes that are little more than coupons off bridal services you don't want. Well, guess what I won up north. It just HAD to be from the booth that I openly mocked with my mother as we signed up. She couldn't understand why there was a plastic surgery booth at a bridal fair. I explained that despite her generational understanding, there were young little mindless-es who thought they had to alter their body for that ONE DAY. I also did explain-- seriously-- that many people had good reasons for certain procedures, who generally never did anything about it until 'now'. And there are older brides-- perhaps someone needs a lifestyle life first? ;)
So I ended up winning a $1500.00 prize at American Laser Centers, which has 500 locations or so. Of all the prizes I could win--- cakes, photography packages, HONEYMOONS, I end up with...... a bikini line.
Yesterday, a friend and I traveled to local Metropolis for the consult, and after a somewhat pressured, but honest, upsale, the clinic manager finagled my 'package' to include absolutely free laser hair removal on my bikini line, AND about 300 in free products. I actually ACTUALLY won something that had no catch! ( I checked the contract carefully). So here I am, doing something absolutely vain, and painful too. I had my first treatment, and it feels exactly like a burning matchhead-slash-needle is poked into your thighs. OH and can you imagine they offer Brazilian services? OW. I know it will be worthwhile eventually-- especially because I'm working out and maybe one day it might be POSSIBLE to see my bikini line in a suit (the rolls get in the way right now).
So does this mean I've joined the population that has had plastic surgery? Did I agree to this just because it's free, before thinking about it? I mean, I'm just following society right? We should be hairless?
Oh, and also, Future Mother in Law will be having a local reception for us after the wedding.....and I can't help but feel weird about control issues. I really want to control some of the decorations or invitations, but I can't control anything--- and really it's all little things.
Here's the problem: she's the paper-accordion-wedding-bell person, and I'm the one-candle-on-the-table-simple person. Oy.
Let me explain.
I mentioned that I attended a bridal shower up north with J and my Ma. As you know, each booth has their own cheesy prize contest--- usually with prizes that are little more than coupons off bridal services you don't want. Well, guess what I won up north. It just HAD to be from the booth that I openly mocked with my mother as we signed up. She couldn't understand why there was a plastic surgery booth at a bridal fair. I explained that despite her generational understanding, there were young little mindless-es who thought they had to alter their body for that ONE DAY. I also did explain-- seriously-- that many people had good reasons for certain procedures, who generally never did anything about it until 'now'. And there are older brides-- perhaps someone needs a lifestyle life first? ;)
So I ended up winning a $1500.00 prize at American Laser Centers, which has 500 locations or so. Of all the prizes I could win--- cakes, photography packages, HONEYMOONS, I end up with...... a bikini line.
Yesterday, a friend and I traveled to local Metropolis for the consult, and after a somewhat pressured, but honest, upsale, the clinic manager finagled my 'package' to include absolutely free laser hair removal on my bikini line, AND about 300 in free products. I actually ACTUALLY won something that had no catch! ( I checked the contract carefully). So here I am, doing something absolutely vain, and painful too. I had my first treatment, and it feels exactly like a burning matchhead-slash-needle is poked into your thighs. OH and can you imagine they offer Brazilian services? OW. I know it will be worthwhile eventually-- especially because I'm working out and maybe one day it might be POSSIBLE to see my bikini line in a suit (the rolls get in the way right now).
So does this mean I've joined the population that has had plastic surgery? Did I agree to this just because it's free, before thinking about it? I mean, I'm just following society right? We should be hairless?
Oh, and also, Future Mother in Law will be having a local reception for us after the wedding.....and I can't help but feel weird about control issues. I really want to control some of the decorations or invitations, but I can't control anything--- and really it's all little things.
Here's the problem: she's the paper-accordion-wedding-bell person, and I'm the one-candle-on-the-table-simple person. Oy.
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