I grew a pair

So I reclaimed my assertive side yesterday, and emailed my Chair, told her I don't want to meet tomorrow (today) because I honestly have nothing important to say about my diss., and that I need some more time to think and read.

I must have wires crossed because I honestly was expecting her response to be chastising me. Obviously, it didn't. Very refreshing.

On that note, I have issues with anxiety, and used to take zoloft and then buspirone for it. I made the executive decision to stop taking medicine last spring. I know, I know, but I actually got through prelims-- I just embraced my inner anal-retentive self, allowing myself to fully exercise all my coping mechanisms. Anyway, I worked for 2 years to get over this fear of authority figures--- my catholic guilt issues perhaps--- of wanting to avoid at all possible any interactions with teachers (outside the classroom). It's like getting stage fright, only I'm anxious about a conversation in the hallway. Conversely, I love being onstage. I've gone so far as to accept that it's easier for me to fail utterfly in front of a faceless crowd, than to be held personally accountable for words. Literally, words. I've learned that I can't rationalize it, or explain it (believe me, I and a few doctors tried), I can just get over it.

Two years ago, it was a huge deal for me to go to a semester kick off cocktail party, because I had to chitchat with profs. I may have hid behind my fiancee a bit, but I went. And that's what I have to do, to get around it. When I notice that I've fallen back into the habit of walking in certain doors, down certain hallways, avoiding common areas, I have to force myself to risk a chance encounter.

So I'm very proud that I was honest in my email, instead of pretending to be sick, like I had been planning to pretend since Tuesday.