Marriage Therapy

It may have been a freudian slip, but for the past few weeks I had been calling Pre-Cana Engaged Encounter, 'therapy'. I meant counselling. It did feel a bit like detox--- all day in one room with like-minded people, all trying to hide similar details from the people in charge. I did actually learn something from it.

Lesson learned: try saying 'will you forgive me' instead of 'i'm sorry all the time' because most of the time its not about whether or not I feel bad for doing something wrong, it's whether or not you'll forgive me.

I also felt better about our abstinence. We've pretty much been chaste since we got engaged in December of 06. While it has been trying, and well, sometimes made easier by physical ailments and injuries, I'm proud of us now.

The night before, I had intimated to a friend, exactly how many times we had been physical in the last year. His response was worry on our behalf. I felt bad trying to explain it was partly timing, partly injuries, and mostly J liking the idea of waiting. It felt awkward to go from a group of people worrying about why we weren't having sex to a group that was worried we might be having sex. I was muddled before trying to explain it, because I didn't understand J's reasoning behind liking abstinence. He himself didn't really understand the reasons why, but after this 'therapy' we can talk about the reasons clearly, and I feel happier about that.

We also learned the Biggest Lesson of All (BLA for short). Our BLA, which involves 'the reason' we argue, is not that J hasn't grown up or whatever excuse I thought I had worked out. It's this: He doesn't involve me in decisions-- specific decisions, like making plans to go out after work, or inviting people over after work. He now knows that he has to ask me first, and we decide together, and vice versa, I realized that what bothers me is that he's not involving me in the decision. Usually, he'll come home from those nights afterward and say something like 'you were right' anyways. Last night was one case in point, and while I was really irritated about it all, I had to swallow it because I know he's being punished today--- 2 hours of sleep before work at 10am. I don't like to say I told you so, but he does it for me so I don't have to. It was last night that we discussed the BLA.

Back to Pre-Cana: We had been prepared by friends about the hostility we might find. Actually, there was only one mean lecture, and it was at the very end.... you know, don't sleep together, don't live together, and don't look at porn. If I thought it was feasible, sure I'd ask Jack to move out until the wedding. But it's not feasible, and I don't see that it would help our relationship. And while I am proud that we have abstained since engagement, I'm still saddened. You see, after hearing the reasons WHY J feels this way, there will be no giving it up before the wedding. sigh.

Oh, we also learned about Natural Family Planning. And we've discussed looking into that route. But more on that later. It's obviously a very big issue to think about.