Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
I feel Better
Despite having an awful week, I feel better. I feel better because I got to talk through things with two friends. But is being in a relationship supposed to be so soap-opera-y?
I've decided that though J loves me with all his heart, and truly wants to start a family and have a family with me (and settle down), maybe he just doesn't really know what to do?
I know it's a stereotype that when women get married, it's always the man who needs to 'settle down', that men act adolescent. But it's true. I'm running out of ways to say how I feel when we have 'the fight'. Because we only fight about one issue, you know. Generally it revolves around J going out at night. He says he'll be home by 1230am, and that he'll do the dishes clean up-- or something--- (because, as he says, I have too much to do with my own schoolwork). He calls instead-- or I have to call him, at 1am. He promises to arrive at 130. 145. etc. With the exception of maybe 2 times, he shows up near three.
I insist that this means he lied. He stated one thing, and didn't follow through. And I always end up doing whatever house work is deemed necessary AND my studying, and fuming, etc.
Earlier this week was the last time he did it. (imagine this argument happening once every 2-3 weeks for over a year). He always promises to change, AND he thinks that it all stops the day we get married. I'm not comfortable with that idea.
OH OH AND, he doesn't confide in anybody! Christ, how can you get perspective on the situation--- where its clear, constantly, that you screw up, unless you ask a trusted friend for advice!
That's it. We still have marriage prep to do with the church, but first we are going to couples therapy. I'm tired of saying the same thing over and over. And I want him to grow up.
He acts like my students, not like my colleagues. But when I say that, he gets really offended.
Oh yeah, and I got NO schoolwork done yesterday. erg.
I've decided that though J loves me with all his heart, and truly wants to start a family and have a family with me (and settle down), maybe he just doesn't really know what to do?
I know it's a stereotype that when women get married, it's always the man who needs to 'settle down', that men act adolescent. But it's true. I'm running out of ways to say how I feel when we have 'the fight'. Because we only fight about one issue, you know. Generally it revolves around J going out at night. He says he'll be home by 1230am, and that he'll do the dishes clean up-- or something--- (because, as he says, I have too much to do with my own schoolwork). He calls instead-- or I have to call him, at 1am. He promises to arrive at 130. 145. etc. With the exception of maybe 2 times, he shows up near three.
I insist that this means he lied. He stated one thing, and didn't follow through. And I always end up doing whatever house work is deemed necessary AND my studying, and fuming, etc.
Earlier this week was the last time he did it. (imagine this argument happening once every 2-3 weeks for over a year). He always promises to change, AND he thinks that it all stops the day we get married. I'm not comfortable with that idea.
OH OH AND, he doesn't confide in anybody! Christ, how can you get perspective on the situation--- where its clear, constantly, that you screw up, unless you ask a trusted friend for advice!
That's it. We still have marriage prep to do with the church, but first we are going to couples therapy. I'm tired of saying the same thing over and over. And I want him to grow up.
He acts like my students, not like my colleagues. But when I say that, he gets really offended.
Oh yeah, and I got NO schoolwork done yesterday. erg.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
ok so i'm having a little nerves attack today. It's not a panic attack. Of course, I stopped taking my anti-anxiety medication last may. So far, so....coping. I'd rather not take extra pills anyways, since I just forget to take them.
I need some space. I need alone time and distance and to just not live together for a while. I'm so tired of this whole being hurt deal. It's the awkward stage where he's better enough to get on my nerves, but not good enough to go back to work. erg.
I know it's my own problems with study skills and anxiety, but seriously, a one bedroom apartment is too DAMN small.
I need some space. I need alone time and distance and to just not live together for a while. I'm so tired of this whole being hurt deal. It's the awkward stage where he's better enough to get on my nerves, but not good enough to go back to work. erg.
I know it's my own problems with study skills and anxiety, but seriously, a one bedroom apartment is too DAMN small.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
9 days
it's been 9 days since my last post......... time sure flies. Sometimes that's NOT a good thing. I'm trying to figure out my dissertation--- what's the STATUS of the Question. oohhhh hoooohh. But I can't help it, I keep finding ways to waste time. I typed up my half of the guest list. I know I'm early, but for some reason, no one else seems to understand that when I said I need to know HOW MANY PEOPLE are on their lists-- groom, MOG, AND my own mother, they say I should wait till January.
Well, I have a 75$ off coupon on printing, but need to use it by december, so give me the stupid addresses and names!
That said, it's been interesting to go through my older sister's guest list from 7 years ago, and see how many family friends are family friends no more. All is well, since we don't have the money to pay for them. But think, her wedding had atleast 300 people at the reception. We are aiming for 160-180. My list-- the family and friends that I want to invite, plus wedding party and some of the groom's friends that I DO know, comes to 145.
I just don't know, how many Out of town Groom's guests do we invite, without it look like we're just sending an invitation and request for a gift? Where his family lives and where the wedding is---- it's 3 states away!
Well, I have a 75$ off coupon on printing, but need to use it by december, so give me the stupid addresses and names!
That said, it's been interesting to go through my older sister's guest list from 7 years ago, and see how many family friends are family friends no more. All is well, since we don't have the money to pay for them. But think, her wedding had atleast 300 people at the reception. We are aiming for 160-180. My list-- the family and friends that I want to invite, plus wedding party and some of the groom's friends that I DO know, comes to 145.
I just don't know, how many Out of town Groom's guests do we invite, without it look like we're just sending an invitation and request for a gift? Where his family lives and where the wedding is---- it's 3 states away!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
MOH will be MIA
Ahem. The Maid of Honor has informed me that she will be going to Australia next summer, for 3 weeks, and will get back SIX days before the wedding. My sister. so helpful.
Good thing my other sister is 'matron of honor'. Of course, I shouldn't complain too much, since I'm sure I was a bit of a flake as MoH at my older sister's wedding 7 years ago. sigh.
And MoG has asked that the groom's 2 cousins, who are 14, and he hasn't seen in 7 years, have a role in the wedding. I'm just waiting for the eventual conversation to resurface about Cuzzin who lives here, and what role he gets. Personally, I don't think it's right to ask someone to stand up for you at a wedding, if said person called you a whore last summer. No, Cuzzin will not have a role.
Story on Cuzzin to follow, after I do just a bit of work.
Good thing my other sister is 'matron of honor'. Of course, I shouldn't complain too much, since I'm sure I was a bit of a flake as MoH at my older sister's wedding 7 years ago. sigh.
And MoG has asked that the groom's 2 cousins, who are 14, and he hasn't seen in 7 years, have a role in the wedding. I'm just waiting for the eventual conversation to resurface about Cuzzin who lives here, and what role he gets. Personally, I don't think it's right to ask someone to stand up for you at a wedding, if said person called you a whore last summer. No, Cuzzin will not have a role.
Story on Cuzzin to follow, after I do just a bit of work.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
D Day for my Ma
Today's the day my ma had to sell her house, buy a new one, finalize divorce, and move. AND my sister found out that her second child will be a
BOY!
I tried to be nice to my ma. I bought her 2 sets of clothes-- so she'd have something new to wear when she's starting new. there are things about my father's death that she never dealt with, and has said have begun to hit her now. I see that, and I just wish I could be there to help.
But someone sent her a bouquet of flowers today.... from my dad..... who's dead...... I'm sure it was meant to be a nice sentiment, and it was. But the things like that drive my ma crazy. It had to come from someone who knew she has talked about thinking about my dad lately. But without signing a name, I'm actually waiting to get angry if it's a really wrong person--- like my ex-step-father who thinks that he can have a friendship with my ma.
What do we do with exs? Is there a parallel between my 'friendship' with my ex and my ma and ex-step? If I choose a clean break with ex-step, I should do the same to any exs. I get that. But is the same true if I don't break off with ex-step? I'm not angry for ex-step. I feel sorry for him. And annoyed, like he wasted our time for 11 years. My ma could have actually dealt with her grief and being alone, and MAYBE found someone else to be truly happy with. But, and I think ex-step agrees, no one will be happy with ex-step. He wills it that way. I feel sorry for all he's missing out on, the family he doesn't get to be a part of anymore.
I don't know if he quite realizes yet that while he will be invited to birthday parties, he's not a part of Christmas eve or dinner or present opening with the fam. The collective relationship ceases, and it's our turn to create individual relationships. Let's see what the future brings.
Oh yeah, who sent the flowers!!!
BOY!
I tried to be nice to my ma. I bought her 2 sets of clothes-- so she'd have something new to wear when she's starting new. there are things about my father's death that she never dealt with, and has said have begun to hit her now. I see that, and I just wish I could be there to help.
But someone sent her a bouquet of flowers today.... from my dad..... who's dead...... I'm sure it was meant to be a nice sentiment, and it was. But the things like that drive my ma crazy. It had to come from someone who knew she has talked about thinking about my dad lately. But without signing a name, I'm actually waiting to get angry if it's a really wrong person--- like my ex-step-father who thinks that he can have a friendship with my ma.
What do we do with exs? Is there a parallel between my 'friendship' with my ex and my ma and ex-step? If I choose a clean break with ex-step, I should do the same to any exs. I get that. But is the same true if I don't break off with ex-step? I'm not angry for ex-step. I feel sorry for him. And annoyed, like he wasted our time for 11 years. My ma could have actually dealt with her grief and being alone, and MAYBE found someone else to be truly happy with. But, and I think ex-step agrees, no one will be happy with ex-step. He wills it that way. I feel sorry for all he's missing out on, the family he doesn't get to be a part of anymore.
I don't know if he quite realizes yet that while he will be invited to birthday parties, he's not a part of Christmas eve or dinner or present opening with the fam. The collective relationship ceases, and it's our turn to create individual relationships. Let's see what the future brings.
Oh yeah, who sent the flowers!!!
For Better Or Worse, Worse first
So J hurt his back earlier this week, and has been bed-ridden ever since. It's been a trying time because he has no health insurance right now, due to inbetween jobs. So he's been stuck in the bedroom since Monday. When I say stuck, I mean stuck. He can't make the 10 steps to the toilet. We've improvised on that point. I wash his hair in a sandpail, with wonderful bathjunkie stuff that thankfully, doesn't irritate skin since we can't really wash it out or off all the way. I try to amuse him. I put food on trays within reach.
The thought that crossed my mind in all of this isn't what you'd think--- I mean, yes I'm a bit frustrated because my work has totally suffered because of this, and I'm in a place where that just doesn't fly. But I'm also able to adapt and redistribute my anal retentive plan for the semester. But I've said nothing to him about it. Yes, I do want someone to know that I've sacrificed, but not him. This connects to the wierd thought I had that I hope I can articulate.....
In the past, when something happened where J might need my help, I kind of had the reaction that--- we aren't married yet, I don't have to help him. I do anyways, but that's not the point. The point is that I never had that thought this week. There's some sort of sublevel switch in my brain to the married mode, kinda--- the kinda commitment switch. Or maybe it's just a symptom of flipping that switch-- because I've been committed for so long already. But it made me smile.
Yeah, that still doesn't encapsulate what I was thinking, darn it.
All I can say right now is, He is definitely buying us a brand new vase full of flowers when he's better. We need the vase more than the flowers!
The thought that crossed my mind in all of this isn't what you'd think--- I mean, yes I'm a bit frustrated because my work has totally suffered because of this, and I'm in a place where that just doesn't fly. But I'm also able to adapt and redistribute my anal retentive plan for the semester. But I've said nothing to him about it. Yes, I do want someone to know that I've sacrificed, but not him. This connects to the wierd thought I had that I hope I can articulate.....
In the past, when something happened where J might need my help, I kind of had the reaction that--- we aren't married yet, I don't have to help him. I do anyways, but that's not the point. The point is that I never had that thought this week. There's some sort of sublevel switch in my brain to the married mode, kinda--- the kinda commitment switch. Or maybe it's just a symptom of flipping that switch-- because I've been committed for so long already. But it made me smile.
Yeah, that still doesn't encapsulate what I was thinking, darn it.
All I can say right now is, He is definitely buying us a brand new vase full of flowers when he's better. We need the vase more than the flowers!
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