Stressful Holidays

Well, I flew home last wednesday, and am now staying at my mother house. Scratch that, I'm off to my sister's tonight. I never thought that I'd actually grow more sensitive to the cold, but I have. This -8 business is bullroar!

J can't come up for Christmas because of work, and I really miss him. But I took a 15 minute shower yesterday and don't regret one minute. I also made dinner, in an oven, yesterday! And then, we used a dishwasher! I've enjoyed my time here so far- Sunday I took my nephews to the buildabear workshop, and they loved it. M got a cat he named kitkat, and C got a horse he named neigh. But C is only 2, so by the time we got to the car, the name changed to bo-something. After going to three stores and the mall with my sister, I told her I loved her but I don't want 2 kids. I was just kidding, but we did push it with a full day of shopping. I forgot how your agenda disappears when kids are there. Not that its bad, but I wasn't equipped to think fast on my feet, so I need to go back eventually and finish xmas shopping. alone.

My books arrived last night. Because of the storms and high mail, the postal service has late night delivery here. I had used the misssing books as the excuse to not work, but today I am back on the horse. sigh. I can't help but be distracted because as soon as I got home, my grandma started dying. My uncles are there, and already planned the funeral, but she's still hanging on. She is the energizer bunny. She's my dad's mom, my smart, pro-education, pro-travel, pro-independence grandma. I didn't really believe my family when they started saying she was on the last of the last, because she's been there before. But she is 94, and she has decided to die. When she puts her mind to something, by god it gets done.

I've had opportunities to call and have the phone put to her ear, so I can say something to her, but I haven't. I think she's too lost in her dreams to know my voice. But with all the travel decisions, I have an opportunity to go out west to see her early, on thursday instead of waiting for news of a funeral. But J might actually get to come and depending on HOW he gets here, I need to be at my mom's for that. But I was thinking about it, and realized that I think I also just don't know how to be around a dying person. Or maybe its because I DO know how to be around them. I watched my Dad die, and ever since I have avoided dying people. Either see them early to say good bye, or wait till the end. So maybe I don't want to go early because of my 'phobia'.

Did you know that funeral homes can keep bodies for varying lengths of time before services, depending on the age and state of the body? Apparently, my grandma's estimate is 5 days. I find it very odd to know that. Then again, when I was 13 I went with my parents to pick out my father's casket. While the adults were making decisions in the office, I played tag with my sister in the casket room. That's very odd too.

My soon-to-be-ex brother in law wants to travel with us to a funeral. THAT's been a big issue between my sisters and mom and I. It will come down to my telling Kevin-the-cheating-bastard he would probably NOT want to ride in a car with me and my lil sister for 8 hours. The boys will be in the car, but I know it will be stressful, and the trip would eventually feature a confrontation between him and any number of my cousins and sister and I. Explanations need to be had!

And then there's J. I miss him very much. I thought that since we haven't really been together since September, one more month wouldn't be too hard. But it is! And now I feel bad because he wasn't supposed to travel the week of christmas. But it looks like a funeral will be early next week (the 5 day body rule allows my uncles to schedule it at a more convenient time) and if he comes up, it will be like traveling anyways. Our only problem, as always, is money. We may still be able to use frequent flier miles to get him here, but the closer to the holiday it is, we won't. And he's threatened to drive, but if he drives up, then it would make sense for me to ride back with him, since I only bought a one way ticket up here. On top of that, he didn't get a paycheck last week because of computer error. Supposedly he'll get paid double this week, but we can't make ANY plans until we have cash in the bank. I really want him to come, but again, it might not happen. Stupid computers.

Post-Thanksgiving

This is the time of year that I want to run away and join the foreign service corps. They're more forgiving than the French foreign legion anyways, and don't mind that I'm a girl. But I will be positive

Ten Things I'm thankful for this year:

1. The health care reform bill passed. And J's surgeon agreed to a smaller monthly payment than I was afraid we'd have to do. Starting payments in December, we will officially have paid the sawbone off in 12 years and 2 months. Like I said before, reform is a good thing (even if it won't apply to us).

2. J is settling into his new position. It's exciting to have more cash flow in than out! Yes Virginia, we CAN have a little christmas! (and pay off debts).

3. We are fortunate to have local family who will let us stay at a house rent-free.

4. My advisor hasn't sent me a guilt trip email in 4 weeks now. I'm hiding from my email, and trying to work work work.

5. My nephews are getting through the storm of the divorce ok. But I wish that the 4 yr old didn't have to go to a counselor for anger management issues, and didn't think daddy 'gave him up' on Thanksgiving (he did though).

6. I have been very grateful for being on the recieving end of a lot of selfless giving this year. It may be a viable adage that it takes a village to raise a child, I also think it is entirely accurate to say that no man is an island, and despite the disconnected layers of current society (how far away we all are from one another, and how the internet intercedes)-- it takes a community to help us all live. When in need, its your friends who will help you, not corporations or insurance companies (but never borrow money from your family).

7. I will go see my family this holiday, and my mom and sister need me around for awhile. Plus, its pretty official that I will live in this town for the next 4 years, so I want to break away for awhile. I want some snow. And a bathtub.

8. J and I have been married for 1 year and 4 months (almost), and have experienced hardships and blessings along the way. We've really seen more hardships than good, but instead of getting cranky and losing the sparkle of what you married people call 'the honeymoon phase,' we are still silly in love together. Seriously.

9. Ambien. I know its a crutch, but it's very awesome. On Thursday night I dreamt that my to do list was a monster, trying to eat my face. I didn't take ambien then-- I had to get up early to shop for my sister. But I took it last night, by god!

10. coffee.

post deleted because I was being a bitch about in laws issues. Must stop that. now.

Sunshine Day

I must say, things are looking up, I think. It feels very nice to know that J will get a paycheck Friday. And I'm excited that our trip is coming up soon. AND I just recieved notes back on the Diss intro. I haven't read them, but I'm gonna later-- movin on, movin on.

I drove the delta88 this weekend a bit, and have decided that I won't do that again. Yesterday, SUNDAY, I ran to Walmart. I have a legitimate reason- I needed sunscreen and if its not onsale at Target, then I should get it cheaper.

I found myself driving up in this beat down car, in the rain (it leaks in the rain). The driver door doesn't shut entirely because it's banged up on the outside. The rear view mirror fell off a while ago, apparently. There's no interior light, and the back tire needs inflating every other time we drive.

So I thought it was funny rolling up to Walmart, inbetween an overstuffed minivan and a super truck. I went inside and realized too late that my shoes were rubbing blisters into my heels, so I started doing this odd shuffle hop to avoid the blisters, pushing my cart around. AND, I hadn't taken a shower yet, so I had sleep hair. Let me tell you, I was just waiting for the intercom voice to announce, "Here's yer Sign......"

16 days in counting.....

Ok so I admitted that the part that makes me the crankiest, besides J's general absence, is that I'm stuck here. Part of being stuck here includes CAD and the MIL. They want to help me and I want them to go away. MIL keeps telling me that in order to keep CAD under control, and perhaps not cause another meltdown, I should accept her help at some point. Here's the sitch:

CAD finally realized that she's made a crapper of a life for herself, as she was turned down by a local community college for school. It seems that she has flunked out one two many times from there and they don't feel she's a safe bet (duh). J's recent promotion also pisses her off, mainly because she's the kind of person who bullies in order to make themselves feel better (and somehow suggest her son is better than J). Well, now she's the one stuck in a crummy house with a deadbeat son who's serving probation for marjijuana and contempt of court. Cousin has no ambition or drive beyond playing video games and manipulating the family for money. And he's 23 I think.

Anyway, apparently she's been freaking out that she realized that she has no skills, and appears to be unable to hold down a job. In front of J and MIL I said that one day she will be forced to use the government. I even said welfare, which made MIL flinch. But I'm sorry, CAD made her bed. I have my own crazy aunt on my maternal side who manipulated and squeezed my grandparents. In the 80s, she landed on welfare and that is the situation that inspired her to get an associate's degree and to really take care of my cousins. It may not seem like it, but welfare empowered my CAT (again, she's a maternal aunt I don't really talk about) because she had to feel the results of each choice she made, rather than running to my broke grandparents. I think this is what is needed with CAD.

I know that the prodigal son should be treated well, but it doesn't count if he's family. Also, in the parable, the prodigal son was SORRY, and admitted is failures. CAD will never do that, so she'll never get a free ride from me. Welfare is not a bad place-- it can work, and I don't appreciate that the stereotype is such. Its true that public assistance is the perfect storm- but I believe in the indomitable human spirit, and I've witnessed the goodness that family support (without money) can bring about wonderful changes-- CAD is lost.

I babble and I know that I'm not expressing myself clearly. One point, is that I am still a hopeful when it comes to government. I believe in a little bit of big government, because we all need some help these days. I also believe, based on my own experience, that often times the people who need the most help don't qualify for government aid. I know that at some point in my life, a situation will occur for a friend and I will go out of my way to help them, because someone did it for us. I believe in paying it forward, when you can.

I also believe that the health care system needs a drastic overhaul, and change should come NOW. I don't care if doctors wine that they spent x dollars on graduate school in the anticipation of y dollars in career salary. Well Dr. doctor, I spent x dollars on graduate school and I KNOW I will not get anywhere near your average hourly appointment wage. You are not entitled. Tax the rich. If I win the lottery, I'll pay the taxes because that's the price we pay to live here and not somewhere else.

Oh, the other point is that I really want to avoid any rides offered by CAD or food. erg.

J's gone

It's a good thing! J left for training for 10 weeks. Well, actually it's 8 weeks training but we are going on a honeymoon in 17 days. So it's 17 days, honeymoon, then October 23-Dec. 6th. It's not that long, but I don't like it. I know this is good, and that it has to happen. I just have to admit that I kind of resent it because he leaves me here, in this house, alone. I have to be honest and say that I am annoyed that I have to live here alone. It wouldn't be so offputting if we lived in a better place.

Oh wait, I have to stop typing. My mother in law just got here for the nightly visit to the dog and cat.... at 9pm.

holiday meal

A Double HA! today-- we decided that the 'family' thanksgiving meal will be potluck, and we're bringing the turkey (from C&J BBQ) so there's no insance 9 hour debacle like last christmas. CAD will be told she can bring her nutty rolls, but we're taking care of the dishes we really like :)

Yard work (despite how mean the tone of this is, I'm not that bitchy)

I've been irritated by some overgrown bushes on our driveway for quite awhile. Besides being in the way when exiting a car, there are also huge spiders that spin webs when the sun goes down, attached between the bushes and the cars-- so needless to say I carry a flashlight at night, so I won't walk into cobwebs on the way to the house.  So yesterday I decided to clean up.

When I told J what I was going to go do with my hedge clippers, he commented that we shouldn't do that because the pomegranate tree (the biggest overgrown crap) was CAD's. I said you can't stop me. She doesn't live here, and seriously, its a damn bush. He also mentioned that he would back me up (of course) if she were to notice and make a big stink about it. I said he had no choice because he married me, and we don't like her anyways (of course).

But as I was chopping away for 45 minutes, I found myself daydreaming the scenario that she drives by, sees it and stops. It's not unlikely she would think she could yell at me or perhaps shove. My only concerns are that A) I would find myself beating up a 40year old, and might have to work hard at it and B) I'd have to be quiet because if J heard the commotion, he'd come outside and step in-- a much more uneven battle.

Then I realized, SERIOUSLY, why am I daydreaming about the potential catfight that won't happen? The scary part is that it is possible. She's so many tacos short of a mexican platter, that all she has is a scoop of guacamole in the middle!

So, now I have a cleaner driveway. Next weekend, I'm going to start looking for 'her' things and change them. First item on the list (I kid you not) is moving the stupid gecko suncatcher stuck in a window. I'm done with avoiding and learning to deal with her. I'm on the offensive.

And I still don't see why I should answer her phone calls.

Alright, I shouldn't be here typing when I should be working on my diss. But cie la vie!

Things have gotten better with the house. The cat appears to be much happier in the kitchen, and never tries to 'break out'. I believe this to be because the....sigh, embarrassing part... two couchs in the living room are full of fleas. We have arranged for pest control, and vet visits for both the crapper- I mean- cat, and the dog outside. I think there's weak insulation between the house and outside, as the fleas appear to come from the window next to the dog house. I'm very glad we discovered it, but also am irritated by it. But just think, if we hadn't moved in here, poor Bingo and Sasha would still be lonely, bitten, and scratchy.

We are still waiting on the official offer of job for J-- they called Friday to ask if he had ever filled out an application (someone got ahead of themselves somewhere!) so sadly the talent exec said she'd have to call again after she finished paperwork on credit/background check. sigh.

On the upswing, I'm having a very hard time concentrating on school because we splurged (probably at the wrong time) and bought a honeymoon package! But I'm tired of justifying it to the public-- by god we deserved a freaking vacation, and with J starting a new position, he won't have extra time off until January. I'll barely see him at christmas, let alone not-at-all for thirteen weeks of training. Thankfully, since we set it up before interviews, the company approves of the vacation.


Now, I just have to remember, when I start scratching my bugbites, the horrible lesson I learned of bedbugs in 2000. Remember the 156 bites on one leg, 63 on the other..... the horror! And the doctor only gave me calamine lotion- in a shot glass! Remember, rugburn was the only way to itch them all...

So many people took pictures of my legs back then-- if ONLY I had a copy of one of the pics!

I am being held hostage by a cat.

It was part of the move-in package, but now it's just too much for me. Bingo has targeted the two areas in the living room that we sit in-- the Couch and my office chair. But then again there is the top of the piano, the rug by the door, the lamp by the other door, the doorway to the bedrooms, and who knows where else. She craps and pees most places, but regurgitates on my chair. We have put our foot down on the cat- she goes, or I refuse to live here. We've decided on a compromise. We've exiled Bingo to the kitchen during the night, and when we are gone. We will see how that goes. Otherwise, she's out. I wish it were easier to just send her to another family home, but it's impossible because the family believes that Grandma's will to live is wrapped up in her cat. CAD's house is too dirty and hoard-ed to be a good option for the cat. It's not humane to the cat.

BUT the good news is J got a promotion and hopefully we'll have some paychecks soon that will let us move into a REAL house, that's clean and big and nice and doesn't have fleas in the couch, or a pissy cat that hates me (for no forseeable reason) or a broken kitchen. yeay!

Trust me, there will be an amazing dinner party when that happens! (probably in January or February)

ADDED TUESDAY:

Last night she stayed in the kitchen, and didn't crap on anything! yeay!

Kitchen woes

We thought that things were actually going quite well in our modified kitchen. We have a hot plate, a microwave, an electric griddle, and a george forman grill. Unfortunately, we've discovered that we can't run two appliances at the same time. So J's trying to boil hot dogs and microwave popcorn, and the power went out.

I guess we only get one outlet at a time!

In the Middle Pic

Here's the living room today. Still being sorted out, and due for the second washing, but still better than before.

BEFORE Pics

This photo was taken after some of the clutter had been removed by family members, but before we moved in.

The second photo is during my cleaning process-- really just to show you the dust, cat hair, dirt. I still can't take a clean photo for all the dust in the air.

moved

It's been a very long and stressful summer, but in the past 30 days we have accomplished:
1. surgery for J
2. waiting on J hand and foot before surgery, and trying to keep him from doing to much while in recovery
3. packed up the house
4. moved into J's grandma's empty house--- empty of people, but not crap.
5. am cleaning said house to a livable condition
6. done absolutely nothing on my diss, risking the wrath of She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Forgotten
7. successfully juggled the bills (but I'm sad that this means more of the student loan will clean off debt-to-people vs. credit debt).

I'm hiding in my office today, thanks to grades being due, and intend to prolong this visit so I don't have to be there when J's friends move the fridges around between the two houses. I don't want to be asked to help. But J can't lift anything, so I should be there, but oh well. I just can't deal with more moving.

If I was awake and smart, I would have brought the camera cable to upload pictures to this computer, so I could share some of what I've accomplished. But I'm not. So here's a short list:

1. I cleaned the vacuum out 4 times yesterday from cat hair. It's a pet hair Bissell too.
2. My hands permanentely smell like Murphy's wood oil soap.
3. I can't stand CAD.
4. My belongings are now mostly in storage.
5. There's a beautiful upright piano at the house, that I polished last night. It's out of tune, and belongs to CAD supposedly, but she never took lessons. Dammit I will not ask permission to touch it!
6. Have you ever spent a Saturday vacuuming roach poop out of closets?
7. We have no stove at the house, so will live on microwave, crock pot, and toaster meals. Oh, and the kitchen sink doesn't work, so dishes have to be cleaned in the bathroom sink.
8. Speaking of bathrooms, one has a working toilet, and one was a shower. The Shower room has a toilet that's falling through the floor. CAD's son left a crap in that toilet a year ago. She refused to have him come over and clean it. Guess what I had to do.
9. I would use stronger words for CAD if I had the strength. I can't stand her.
10. It is a three bedroom house, however two rooms are packed 5 feet tall with junk cleaned out of one bedroom, the kitchen, and living area. The pest man says that he can't gaurantee his treatments because of all the crap. And tree limbs on the roof.
11. We cannot use one closet due to a weak floor (termite damage).
12. Cable is connected now, and we look forward to starting our journey into TrueBlood.
13. An example of the packrat, bi-polar shopping sprees CAD did with Grandma's money- 3 computer desks, 1 in the box, stored at the house.

I'll say more later, but I'm too tired. Atleast Jack is doing better, and should soon be off the pain meds. I think his scar is healing well, and we'll see the doc next wednesday. I want his permission for conjugal activities.

I should be very grateful that I have the best motivator for finishing schoolwork, staying at school, and going to the gym-- I don't want to go home for more than sleeping and well, eating cold foods. Oh, and no rent, don't forget the free rent (not really free because we have to start paying back J's mom for all the money we borrowed this summer).

My attempt at 15 minutes of fame a night hasn't worked. Too much work. Oh well.

I'm exhausted this week-- from waiting and scheduling and stressing and packing. My dear uncle sent me some boxes, which have helped. I did spend the past three days cleaning out the office. I'm sad to say that I did, indeed, throwout the essays written for Dr. Z's Am. Lit seminar of 2002. But seriously, I'm a 'brit' person now, so no need for it right?

We are in limbo about J's surgery. A finance rep called monday and said we had to pay 4500 upfront for the surgery, no payment plan offered. Motha(*&)&$%^(*&$#$^&*!!! I lost it Monday, with all the stress. Seriously, what is the most stressful is my Diss and Chair. We will meet tomorrow and I need to be blunt, keep my cajones and ask her if she plans on punishing me via another unsatisfactory this summer, or if she will threaten to ditch me again-- This is the core of my stress and fear. If I knew she was not going to leave me, I'd be much happier I think-- or not. After all, who's really happy dissertating?

So I don't know if there will be surgery. The accounting rep has ducked our calls since Tuesday. J put our 'case' to her and she said she'd look into it. But will this happen? Will a nurse call tomorrow with pre-op instructions? Should I be making my house post-surgery ready (change the sheets at least)? I hate, hate, hate that we may have to make a health decision based on cost. But surely, we are not the only people who need a surgery and don't have 4500 bucks!

I need a valium. Actually, what I need more is 8 uninterrupted hours of writing!

blowin in the wind

We've had some stressful moments in the past week. If my brain was a parfait, or trifle (hey, sometimes this is the best analogy), the first level of worry is my diss.

level one descending- Coolwhip
I wanted to have a complete chapter done by July 31st, and I was supposed to send roughly half to my Chair by July 6th. I think 9 pages doesn't count- it doesn't feel like a completed thought yet at least.

level two- red jello
J has been bedridden for the past 4 days, and it's too similar to when he got hurt 2.5 years ago. This is very depressing and I feel bad, because J can tell and has constantly apologized. I know he can't get up and get his own lunch or dinner, but I still kind of resent him for needing me to make up trays of food and help him to the bathroom. I also don't want him to see this emotion on my face but what can I say, I'm an open book.

The good/bad news is that we just went to the neurologist yesterday. J will have surgery next Friday. We finally have a solution! But, he will be out of work for almost a month. We can make August on my paycheck, but I have to call some credit card companies to negotiate paying late. He also can't lift anything weighing more than ten pounds, but can go back to hosting at work possibly by 10th, but I need to be sure the door to hold open at work doesn't weigh more than that. This is one time when seriously people, open your own damn door. Then again, at least it'll be a paycheck that pays for health insurance!

Yeah that's the other part. J's cap on his insurance is 3,000. We've spent 1,000 already on this back. I'm going to have to go negotiate a payment plan with the hospital before they'll do the surgery. Yeay.

Level three- different color jello
We will be moving at some point before the 15th. I have to pack our belongings into two units-- that stuff that goes into a storage unit (almost all) and that stuff that goes to the house we are moving into. Financially, this is good because we plan on leaving small town for Big town in December or January, and will not pay rent to J's Grandma (her house). Emotionally, I'm moving farther into the 'family' space and had to clarify boundaries on CAD popping over with her dog. So this level of worry is about having time to pack, and boxes.

Level four- this metaphor is too tired
No one has really lived in this house for over 2 years. It's in a bad condition, and worse- cluttered with junk that no one properly stored. Dust hangs in threads from everything. Mold is on old wallpaper and the ceilings. One toilet works in one bathroom, and the shower in another. A new water heater is needed for that too (no hot water yet). We can't use the kitchen. Basically we will camp. But the worry here is that I have to clean it.

My MIL and CAD have started going through the stuff, which is stressful enough. We have to say things a certain way so as not to flip out CAD. Personally I don't care. She needs some tough love, the leech. And once I move in, if I see junk being stored (think plastic pickle jars from the 80s) I will toss it. Along with the wallpaper. There are power issues and she would throw a tantrum about stuff. So literally, we will not mention the 1960s era wall paper, that practically is coming down on its own, that I will rip off. But I have to do the cleaning myself! Time is very precious, as I'm working on summer school and the diss!

On one hand, I'd rather clean myself, so I can do it 'right'. ha ha the words of a control addict? maybe. I think when it comes to a healthy clean environment, I get to demand that.

Level Next- I lost count
I have to figure out moving. As J can't do anything but pack and carry toilet paper, I have to figure out movers for our furniture. I'm going to start taking stuff to storage at the start of August, but inevitably I have furniture I can't lift myself. So I've figured that we need one day to move most everything to storage (with help), one day to move everything to the house (clothing, a refrig. swap and coffee table/tv stand) and to MIL house (she's getting our big TV and couches), and many days to pack up. This all has to happen aroung graduation, when my friends are busy and when moving companies are busy. So as you can see, scheduling needs to work out.

I also have to find manpower, a truck, and a way to pay them. This leads to the next problem

Screw the damn level
I don't have any money to pay movers or rent a truck. We have no credit, not even to get an emergency loan from school (cause i'm paying back one from last year). We've borrowed money from family, and if I can do the math right, and delay some bills (like just pay electricity late) then we have enough to make it. How is it that this 4 room duplex costs 320 for utilities, but the House, on level payment plan, will cost us 180? It has 9 rooms! Anyway, its nervewracking to count pennies, but I know that we can make it if I'm vigilant.


I just need time to plan this all out, and I KNOW I will make it happen. Surprisingly, I haven't freaked out (too bad) yet. I have decided to take more time for myself, and to be unbending on how much time I get each day to work on the diss. I will not sacrifice it for my summer 2 course, or for this cleaning and moving. That stuff will fall in place. I'm also going to try to write atleast 15 minutes a day, in an effort to unload my frsutrations before I deal with J. It's not fair. I will also notice one good thing a day.

today's good thing: on vicodin, J can do the dishes! Yeay for this week!

NEWSFLASH ON SCHOOL LOANS

Reasonable and affordable monthly college loan payments for borrowers. On July 1, a new Income-Based Repayment program will go into effect that caps borrowers’ monthly loan payments at just 15 percent of their discretionary income (15 percent of what a borrower earns above 150 percent of the poverty level for their family size). Any current or future borrower whose loan payment exceeds 15 percent of their discretionary income is eligible. After 25 years in the program, borrowers’ debts will be completely forgiven.

Back from UK/IRE

There's so much I could post about my research trip, but it'll have to wait. my jetlag is horrible, like never before! N and I have deduced that its because we weren't gone long enough. You see, I used to spend a month in Dublin, and this time around was only two weeks (1 Ireland, 1 UK). Of course, it could also be a bit of the age factor...... But really, I'm not 30 for a few more weeks-- should I really be going to bed at 10 and getting up at 530?

I am taking the weekend (or took) to clean up, rest, and stock the kitchen. I love J, but his definition of 'cleaning' is just not the same. I must gloat--- I went to the store today, and thanks to The Grocery Game, my 114.07 bill became 72.21!!!!!

Sundays and Family and Shopping

Three things need to be dealt with right now. First, the fun:

I went grocery shopping today to prepare for my departure on Wednesday (research trip). I'm quite proud of the 'guy' food I got, hoping that it will keep J from fast food while I'm gone. Of course, his mom does live less than a mile away, so I'm sure he'll be at her table often.

At HEB, I spent 27.23 and got 15.23 free with coupons! Again, this is all based on the Grocery Game shopping lists. Some of the deals:

2.50 Ritz Crackers
free wheat thins
free philadelphia cream cheese
0.75 Hefty paper plates (reg 2/3.00)
0.95 Hefty plastic cups (reg 2/3.00)
2.50 Eckrich rope sausage (2/5.00)
free Eckrich premium weiners (with two rope sausages)
1.45 Hillshire farm sausages (reg 2.00)
4.25 Digiorno pizza (reg. 2/11.00)

Then I went to Target to get bathroom stuff. They have alot of new clearance items on the endcaps, and I got razors, shaving cream, body spray, body wash, and tweezers for 10.56, using 7.60 in coupons!

Then I went to Kroger, and stocked up on the pasta sauce sale-- organic sauces and salsas are on sale. I spent 20.19 and used 4.55 in coupons. BUT I had a 20.00 gift card for transferring a prescription last week, so I only spent 19 cents! We got:

0.99 lunchables (three of them)
2.97 J's man razor (reg. 8.79)
1.91 Newman's own pasta sauce x2
1.49 Emeril pasta sauce
1.27 organic Prego sauce
1.99 milk (that's just a normal price now, it seems)
1.44 land o lakes butter (reg. 1.99)
3.99 kroger olive oil

So the cool part is that I left the house planning to spend 33.00 for a week of groceries (we have alot of staples in stock now). I ended up spending 37, thanks to a 20.00 gift card. AWESOME!


Part Two--- Let me just say that my peas were a problem tonight. Yes, my peas. It was J's family birthday dinner, and CAD apparently is trying to be nice, via a dried out pork chop and wierd yellow squash casserole. I called to offer to bring something, and was told that CAD pitched a mini fit in the grocery store, because 'she's trying to avoid starches'. HA! So I said I'd play dumb and bring peas.

If fishing for compliments was a sport, this lady thinks she's a pro. Seriously, talk about needing validation! We've talked about how she has limited her emotional communication skills to food, and so she tries to share feelings through food, hence the cooking. But, she burns stuff. So the cassarole tasted more like a stuffing that happend to have yellow squishy rinds in it. And she insisted we take some home, to the point of driving over to give it to us, after I told her I don't like yellow squash and will not eat it. I ate some at the table to be polite (yes, I'm trying- atleast I didn't freak out with the 16-year-old-trapped-in-a-22-year-olds-body-thinks-hes-a-witch refused to hold my hand during grace. He then flipped out and said he just had a shiver down his whole body. Someone should seriously educate him on Wiccan philosophy. Praying over your food is not bad!

SO the avoiding-starch CAD takes two rolls, two hunks of butter, and at dessert asks for seconds on the homemade angel food and boiled frosting!!! Yeah, she's watching starchs--- march straight into her mouth. hypocrite.

And I seriously think she's helping lazy cousin sell drugs from her house. I recalled that wonderful moment in the first season of real world, when his cell phone rang at the table, and they exchanges some looks and words.

THEN, to the best part.

CAD is passive aggressive to the max. She doesn't ask questions the right way. So when she asks me if I've seen Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, I say no. She asks if I'd like to, so I say no. I do want to rent it eventually, but I'm not interested in wasting money. THEN she says she was thinking of planning a girls night for her, me, and MIL. J giggled, and I said oh. Then the conversation changed. I'd love to hang out with my MIL, I think. But I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut around her now, crazy lady who needs medication to control her violence.

I'm hoping that if I release my pissed off levels here, I can put off the eventual blow up. I don't see how I'm supposed to forget the thing she did (which I apoligize I won't post, but trust that it was inexcusable) and if the topic was ever broached, I will tell her she's crazy, needs therapy, and will never ever touch my children, EVER-- no holding a baby, no touching my stomach, no talking to them. When we move away, they will not be a part of our lives. I'll send her a christmas card, but when they start asking for cash (in the 5-10 year future, obviously) the answer is no.

Ok, I'm still pissed. This is the precise reason I blog the rage, and avoid eye contact for the hour long meal. Any more time than that, well, I just can't stop myself.

Shopping Trip #1: HEB

This weekend, in total, I got about $46 in free groceries. The two big lessons I learned are:

1) At Kroger (not at HEB, as I found out) you can use 1 coupon per item.
So that yogurt coupon for $.40 off a purchase of 6 yogurts, is totally valuable!
6 yogurts at $.60 = 3.60
6 coupons= -2.40
Kroger doubles!= -2.40 This means that Kroger pays YOU $1.20 to buy 6 yogurts!

In reality, I only had 3 coupons, so instead of paying $3.60 for 6, I paid $1.20.

2) At Kroger, you can use paper coupons AND electronic coupons on the same item. It's just that the electronic coupons don't double or triple. So I bought Charmin (huge pack) for 16.99, and used a paper coupon (.25 x3) plus electronic coupon (.50) and ended up paying 15.74 or .24 a roll. I actually got $1 off of Bounce using .55 paper and .50 electronic coupons, too.

Here's the cool deals I got at HEB:

Total cost: $50.41 Coupons saved: $23.49

Colgate Toothpaste 2.98 (original)
- $1 off coupon
- free reusable shopping bag

Secret Clinical Deoderant 7.57 (original) (very odd combination for sale)
- $1.50 off coupon
- free frozen HEB meatballs ($2.99)

Two Marie Callendar's Pasta Frozen Meals 2.69 x 2 (original)
- Free 1 pint HEB ice cream ($1.49)
- Free Fresh Express Lettuce ($2.29)
- $1 off Lettuc Coupon


There were other deals, but these were the ones that I combined in store coupons with manufacturer coupons, based on the list from The Grocery Game.


I'll post Kroger's when I find my reciept.

Fascinated with Frugality

I know I shouldn't spend my energy on this, and should focus on the Diss. But I find the subject of coupons and money saving fascinating. I'm going to occassionaly try to post my weekend shopping trips, to record how much I'm saving as I start following 'the grocerygame' .

And as embarrassing as I think it is, I'm using more coupons at Target.

Today starts the tally! (once I get back from the store)

Three strikes and your out

I've complained more than enough about the new drama associated with joining another family, but really, my own is quite enough. Or actually, let me just say that the man who previously married my mother has written his own ticket out of my life. The 'ex-step-father' has now lied to me three times in my life and I will have no more. I don't think he's a respectable person, because I don't respect his choices in life. I know that this post doesn't make sense to most people, but the blog is self-flatulation anyways, and truly is meant to serve myself, so I guess I'm not really sorry about not filling in holes. Or for using too many double negatives.

1. He lied when he said he was leaving the priesthood because it was the right thing to do, and DID NOT have anything to do with my mother or my sisters and I. He said that because of his time spent with my family, he realized something he wanted, but that he expressly was not leaving for any of us.

2. He lied when he said that the divorce would not affect our relationship, and that he was capable of having a relationship with us girls without my mother around (no, he's a drama queen who has pained my mother for no logical reason for the 2 years since the divorce. Hypocrite-victim-mentality, illogical, passive-aggressive drunk.)

3. He lied to me two days ago. And he betrayed me and my sister directly.

It has never been so easy to write a person out of my life. Goodbye man who never should have married my mother in the first place. I tried to be nice, because my dad took pity on you and welcomed you into our home. But you are one crazy f*#!@$%er.

Frugal Lesson #2: Don't send your husband

I love my husband. He's a great guy. He is not a great shopper. I have the flu, so the grocery trip was his responsibility this week. I made him promise to go with his mom for guidance. She didn't bring the leash I recommended.

You see, grocery stores are fun for J. I gave him a list, and for two days warned him to stay on the list. But he still brought home
corndogs
chips ahoy
expensive apples (he 'just got apples, what's the difference?')
chocolate milk
paper products we don't need
potato chips
expensive pop (and yes, I said pop. I'm sick. I get to relapse to midwestern slang right now)
and more.

sigh.

Perhaps I should just be happy that he DID get the vegetables and fruit on the list. And he did get me the nice soft kleenex......

But still "Just the Essentials" never, in my book, ever, includes corndogs.

Seriously, along with flouride, the city of Hometown and College Town needs to add Zoloft to its water system. And maybe a truth serum. So much crazy shit-- literally--- for so many family members today just really points out the calm in my life.

As J said, after the two hour conferencing with my sisters, "Hey, the dishes may not be done, laundry pilin up, and all this (gesturing to the rental unit, and suggesting all our troubles with school, money, work, and such), and we may be broke, but at least we're happy."

Right on.

Sunday Funday: The Beginning of Cutting Corners

This isn't really the beginning of cutting corners, but I'm really excited to make the homemade washing soap tonight. I found the recipe on another blog-- frugal upstate.

CAD strikes again

I wish I was in colorado with my nephews and family on their Easter break.

I just also gotta pause and note that today's is my parent's wedding anniversary. They would have been married almost 40 years. He died March 25, 1993. On a Thursday. I went to state history day the next day.

I know that I am avoiding my work right now, but I have been working since 11am. , so I should deserve a break.

Spring Break:
I drove home with J last week to see my ailing grandma. On the positive, she is healthy enough to last awhile, as long as she doesn't get sick. On the negative, she's now in the alziehmers ward. This is the most depressing place on earth, for her. Looking at all the medicated heads bobbing in wheelchairs, I sense an odd happiness, because I know they are all probably lost in the memories of their youth and happy. But for my grandma, she doesn't have many people to talk to. Yes, she has dementia, but not full blown alzeihmers.

It's horrible to think that my grandma is slipping away.

There were many interesting stories that my crazy aunt T had filled her head with, and I had to set my grandma straight on a few things ( no, my mom didn't steal your diamonds, that was aunt T; No, my dad died before i got married- 16 years beforehand; etc). I had not the heart to remind her my grandpa died 2 years ago. Why remind her of sadness?

Anyways, I saw her for a few hours, then bawled my eyes out on the way east to see the family. My mom is doing better (she's a bit of the woman scorned these days) and so are my sister's family (they had a 'marraige maintenance weekend' in vegas. bullocks for them!) My nephews are as cute as can be. And I did share one unasked for opinion, even though I did point out that they have 8 candy bars in the fridge that that's horrible. Full sized ones!

-- backstory: my sister and I grew up with healthy snacks and one soda a day. Now she uses all kinds of candy as a reward. Food as a reward sends the wrong signal. It started out ok because my first nephew was underweight and they needed him to eat. Now he's just picky (normal kid) and eats alot of chocolate between meals. erg. I will not say anything!

Back home, my dissertation is frying. I actually have about 15 pages of an intro, and will have a second revision of that (expanded) for wednesday.
--------- pause-------------------- (i have to go to yoga, keeping with my new stress plan!)

Stress Reduction Plan

Apparently I did a very normal thing. I went with J to his workplace, and shared with a friend of ours my stress and new stress plan. Apparently, when I JOKE and say I need "more wine more massage more yoga and more sex" it implies that my husband, his coworker, cannot satisfy me. I totally didn't mean that! I was just being funny, and implying that yes, sex is considered a stress reliever. I wasn't implying J's manhood was incapable!

Sigh. I think its kinda funny, actually.

Lucky #13

It is just my luck that I got sick this weekend. And even worse, I got sick because I was so stressed. I need to find a way to chill out. I was upset that I gave my diss. chair a section of a chapter on friday, and it wasn't my best work. Well, then I ended up vomiting after a nightmare on saturday night. And I've slowly come to acknowledge that the heart palpitations, irritability, crying, and crankiness are real, and I need to do something about it. I was ignoring this idea of stress, because I was internalizing it (read: made myself sick). Well, I guess I shouldn't internalize. So I have two options.

Plan A: This is the fall-back plan. I go back on zoloft.

Plan B: More wine
Massages
More yoga
J does more housework so I can't use it as an excuse

We already began on Plan B.

#12

Dilemma: research.

I have to go get my primary sources for the diss. And I need to hit both ireland and London (source #1 and #2). I can also get the 3rd source (if not on ILL) from the Ransom Center or Rice U. But Columbia also has some issues of #2. I'd like to go to just Ireland (cheaper) and then NY later for #2, but my gut is telling me I need to do both.

I'm just afraid I won't get enough funding. I know I can get an outside loan of 1,000 from the study abroad people on campus, as I have done that before. But I don't want loans.

Ultimately, I feel guilty, planning a trip out of country without J, and we haven't even had a honeymoon yet. We gotta work on that.

Monday's #11

So yesterday (Monday) the horrible jackhammering drove me from the office. J picked me up and on the car seat was a card and red,red rose. It was very sweet-- we had a sushi lunch (J likes to call miso soup 'foot soup' so he sticks to rolls). We then went to Macy's, where he picked out a valentine's present for me (I'm trying to resist looking at our store credit balance).

We don't get the 'real' valentine's day, in the restuarant world. J will work allllllll day saturday. So yesterday he surprised me with our own day. Sadly, no work got done. But I have a pretty ring now.

#10

Ok ok I have to admit it.... I actually researched the average time period that pregnant women experience morning sickness. I was JUST CHECKING to see where it would be a feasible point to plan a kid. I have heard so much advice, and it's all different, because its based on experience-- which is honestly the only qualified advice that exists. But this is what I was looking up-- that if 'something happens' (look at me, to sheepish to say conception) between Christmas and Valentines NEXT YEAR, I won't have morning sickness until I'm ready to defend (if I follow my schedule).

But then again, I kinda think I won't get bad sickness. When I was prepping myself for 5 months on an ocean going vessel, I got as drunk as possible, then woke up early and rode every ride at Worlds of Fun (KC's version of six flags). AND I didn't hurl. I was hung over, and realized that in no way, shape, or form was my idea a GOOD one, but it comforted me enough to make me think I wouldn't have horrible sea sickness..... and I didn't. Atleast, not until we went through the typhoons. But any human would feel horrible if you were rocking back and forth at 45degree angles 24/7. Although, the only reason I spewed then was the wine, not the barf feeling.

But, I know that a strong stomach doesn't mean anything, when it comes to INTERNAL reasons to barf. I just think that I can stop the urge to purge (but then again, if someone's inside me it'll be their call not mine).

Ah sigh, I can't think of any other euphimisms for puke. And I'm not ready to seriously plan a child. I don't think. I mean, I'm still on birth control.

#9: to tattle or not

Today in class, a girl sat next to me with a laptop for notetaking. I always wondered what she was really doing, and figured she was screwing around. Well for about 30 minutes she took notes. I couldn't help but look occassionally at her screen so I could know if she was working. Then, she whipped out the facebook. And email. I am so annoyed. I wanted to tattle on her, but what do I do? My anger is, of course, born by the anger of an instructor who is pissed that she disrespects her instructor that way (in a lecture). But then, she pissed me off because its not fair. I can multi-task, and I would also like to have a computer during the less than interesting lecture moments.

So, do I tattle? Or do I stay quiet? J said be quiet, but I owe no allegiance to these undergrads--- and she kept missing what people were saying and asking me to repeat.

Unknown #8

I'm horrible about correspondence. I haven't finished my wedding thank yous yet! But shhhh, don't tell my mom!

Unknown #7

I'm a bit scared to death of my meeting with diss advisor today. I'm now constantly paranoid that they really WILL say, "no, you're not good enough for this. We won't give you 6th year funding. Go away."

Unknown #6 (Monday)

I don't like chili.

Unknown #5

J's regional boss came in today to check up on his progress for management training. She wants him done, which means she might already have a spot ready for him. I'm hoping this holds, because in this economy, you never know who's going down next.

Unknown #4 (for yesterday)

The week is running away from me. I can't keep up with my new plan to post 1 thing a day. I think I've decided to take the weekends off. So there.

#4. I signed up for juicyjuice's website so I could get a free sippy cup for Didder, who I used to sit for. I have no children of my own, but I'm still recieving emails that suggest I do.

Unknown #3 (for yesterday)

I've decided that this dissertation must be approached like swimming with fish is (for me): I am severely afraid of what I cannot see underwater. I say it's jelly fish that I'm afraid of, because you can't predict a brainless being's movements. But really, it's anything. The truest panic attack I ever had was the day I climbed my friend like a ladder trying to get out of the ocean (with no ground to go to).

The point is, I'm so afraid of swimming in places that other things live, that it drives me to actually creating tense moments. I stupidly choose to keep proving to myself that my anxiety will not get the best of me. That's how I ended up almost drowning Devon in Malaysia, and why I jumped into the middle of a swarm (is that the word?) of jellyfish off of Capri. That day, I was so keyed up that I didn't even feel the stings until about 5 minutes after the adrenaline stopped pounding in my ears. And no, peeing on it doesn't help.

So, writing this dissertation must be approached in the similar way. I will think of it as the second stage of anxiety.

The first is "I'm going to be the first one off the boat since i'm afraid to do it".

The second is "I jumped-- don't look down don't look down! Focus, ignore whatever just touched you- don't think ahead don't look down swim swim keep going forward, don't think about the past or the present, just stay on TOP of the wave of anxiety!"

The Third is, "why did I do that?! And the wave of anxiety CRASHES down, stops your breathing, makes you scream and look like a baby as your try to pull your body back onto a boat with no ladder and laughing italian boatmen who won't give you the ladder because, really its not that bad".

So, the second is where i will try to be-- in the moment where I pretend that there are no sharks near me, and the burning smell in my nose is ok, that smell of acrid ammonia before you pass out but it makes your senses sharper. I will do this anyways.

Unknown info about me #1 and #2

#1 I feel foolish and excited and happy and disappointed and awake. I spent this weekend in an all-consuming Read, the kind when you read a book, and right before the bookstore closes, dash off to buy #2. It's the kind of Read when you absentmindedly find yourself sitting in all the rooms of your home looking for the best light on the page. It's surprising how comfortable the bathroom floor can be.

I read all the Twilight books this weekend. Straight through. The kitchen and laundry look like it too. Neglected.

I see some value in these stories, but was not that impressed-- it was even more fun knowing that I was reading not just non-research related material, frivolous storylines, but that I don't think they were particularly well-written. It's even more sinful (in such a good way) to waste a weekend reading not-that-great writing. Because I CAN DO THAT. I mean, I can write that. It made me happy, to give myself over to the Read, and to follow it through the three trips to the store to get the next book, and the lack of housework, and the husband who was ok with it (he was sick).


#2. I think I have a clock. I noticed how cute the kids are next to starbucks (at daycare) this morning. I usually see them, but it was different. I've always thought the kids I know-- my beautiful nephews and Didder and my friends' kids were very cute. But today, I thought stranger's kids were cute! Mentally, I want a kid. But I think, today, I physically wanted to have a child?